I Ain't Who You Think I Am.

" If I didn't define myself for myself I would be crushed into other peoples fantasies of me and eaten alive." ~ Audre Lorde

Today has been a day of feeling inadequate to say the least. It started off pretty normal. Getting up getting dressed for work "thinking" I looked good and cute in my cream colored turtle neck sweater with my brown pencil skirt and brown knee high boots. But the moment. The very moment I step outside the thoughts come as they often do. Can people see my stomach? Do my thighs shake when I walk? My face looks fat. Do I look fat in this outfit? You're ugly. You're fat. No one wants you. The struggle is REAL.

Most people THINK I am so confident. Nope not really. I literally talk myself up and hide behind the smile and making people laugh. If you asked me to get naked-I would gladly, but I would let you know as I undressed all about my flaws. "Ok? But do know I have stretch marks. And cellulite. I have a stomach as well. There is skin that hangs loose under my arms. And my thighs touch.I don't have perky breast.I have 2 C-Section scars and a pacemaker scar. Oh! and back fat and my left ear has what's called cauliflower ear." I want to make you aware because I don't want you to be disappointed by what you see. I honestly don't want you to have high expectations of me and I not meet those expectations. I want to expose all my imperfections before you can notice them yourself. Crazy I know.  I believe therapist call this the Imposter Syndrome. The imposter syndrome is defined as; a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. Imposters suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feeling of success or external proof of their competence. What does that mean? It means yes I know I lost weight. Yes I know I have kept the majority of it off . No matter how much I lose or tone it won't be enough. I feel like I can do better. I can pull off a successful event but I can tell you all the things I could do better and I feel like people think I could have done better despite them saying otherwise. This happens in many areas of my life, not just weight loss.

Consequently so even with the death of my mother. People can tell me all day everyday how well I did with taking care of her all those years. I feel I could have done better. I could have done more. How much more? I don't know! Maybe not get so irritated at times. Been around even more.Listened more. I don't know. All I know is that inside I feel like the world sees something that I feel I am not. I'm not a wonderful daughter, sister or friend. I honestly feel like I am an imposter. Yes. I am very open and transparent about a lot of things, more than likely too many things at times, but I feel like I have to expose my flaws so that you see me. You see that I am not who you think I am. I don't want to disappoint you or make you think I am more than I am.  In my head I can say I am a good person but I will follow it with.. BUT... I am not sure how I became this way but I have my theories. One being my mother used to tell me all the time how gullible I was and that I needed to stop letting people run over me. To me, I wasn't being gullible I was doing what felt right and good in my heart and spirit,but most people take advantage of that. And that mad Myrtle fighting mad. "Why do you let people treat you like that Shuntella? Can't you see they aren't treating you right?" Honestly, I couldn't see it and often don't most times until I really get my feelings hurt. Maybe because deep down I feel like somehow I deserve it because gullible people are stupid people, so you deserve to get your feelings hurt. I am fully aware that is an untrue statement and no one deserves to be mistreated but how else can you explain it? My beloved mentor once enlightened me when I turned 30 and said, " You are not gullible Shuntella. You do things with pure and positive intent. If others choose to misuse your intentions that is on them not you. You can never be gullible if your intentions are pure." Never a truer statement has been made,but 13 years later it's just as hard to take in and change my thoughts.

Changing old habits and your thought process is THE HARDEST thing to do. When talking to one of my best friends I told her about how a man had paid me a compliment about my body and how after the compliment was made I immediately started sharing my flaws and why I wasn't nicely built like the person thought. She asked me why. "Why do you do that Shuntella? Why? You are a beautiful person inside and out just take the compliment and say thank you and let that be that." I wish I could. I know I should but I can't most times. Once you see for real what I look like you won't like me. You will run away. I am sure of it. I guess it's some kind of defense mechanism to avoid being hurt and hearing she's cute but... In the back of my mind I see my spiritual mother lovingly looking at me,tilting her head, raising her eyebrows and sweetly saying,"And what else is this about Shuntella?" Ugh! It's about a learned behavior of being humble and not praising yourself. I was taught to be humble and don't let compliments give you a big head." As well as if you did something good you don't praise yourself that's being conceded. And" God doesn't like you being vain and bragging on yourself." So I mastered deflecting. "Thank you. But I ain't all that and here is why." If ever a compliment was made to me in my house it was often followed by a but. You did good BUT... That was good BUT why did you do xyz? You look cute in that BUT... Do you have any idea how that has affected me? I do. I can't take a compliment now.I question your intent behind the compliment. Are you making fun of me because I am gullible enough to think you really mean it? I wait for the but and if there is no but I will give you one because I know you saw the flaw. I know I wasn't and can't be good enough that you can't find something that could be better. You are just playing nice and not saying it. So let me say it for you. That was good BUT... Yes. I can quickly tell others there is no but when others do it. That is because I know how this turmoil feels and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to ever endure this. Over the past couple of years I have gotten better and make every effort to practice what I preach, but it is a battle.

This battle has allowed me to learn and affirm to love myself where I am. To be consciously aware of what I am doing and why I am doing it. To assure myself where I am and set goals for where I want to be and can be because I am good enough if I get out of my own way. To redefine me. To redefine my beauty and be able to just say, "Thank you." when a compliment is given and shut my mouth. There is no but. It is what it is. Constantly affirming to myself I am who I say I am. And if by chance I fail at something it's ok. Most people won't see you as an imposter because you failed they will see you as a person who tried and it just didn't work out-this time. I am Shuntella unapologetically. I am beautifully made. I have worked hard to get here and stay here. I ain't who you think I am. I am who I say I am. Who I am learning to be without other peoples opinions of me and who I should be.
I Am...
Beautiful
Determined
A Dancing Spirit
Music Lover
A Goddess
Healing from the inside out
Fully assembled with batteries included
Whole
Enough
A Divine woman
Love
Joyful
Going for everything the Universe has for me
Delightful
Healthy
A Phenomenal Woman

And I don't need your eyes to see me or to define me.

Change: 6 months later

Dear Momma,

May 30th will mark 6 months since you have been gone. I am... well you know. 
I started to paint the house and was all excited about it, but then it hit me. The change. For over 20 year my brothers and I and your grandchildren,all we have known are mint green walls(green was your favorite color because you said God loved green). Kira made a statement that pierced my heart. She said,
" Painting the walls is making this really real. Green walls are all I have ever known. She's really gone." We both shed tears. She went on to get ready for prom and I went back to painting. By Monday I was damn near paralyzed with grief. I literally had to pep talk myself out of bed,
" Come on Shuntella you gotta get up. You have bills to pay. You can't afford to lose your job. Get up. Come on. You can do this. Just make it through the day and you can come home and go back to bed." I keep trying to shine a positive light on this change and get in HGTV mode, but if I speak my truth. MY REAL TRUTH! I ain't ok mom. I smile, laugh and joke in public and die at home. Don't let 'em see you cry. Be strong. The Moore way.

Whoever knew such a task could be debilitating. As June 26th- your 78th birthday approaches I wonder what will happen? Now, I try to stay busy to occupy my mind and stay in a positive space. But it's really hard when you really want to climb in bed and be alone, but you really really really really really don't want to be alone. Good news is momma, I haven't backtracked to people who weren't good for me just so I won't be alone. Not even for a night!!! This to shall pass I tell myself. It will hurt worse going backward in the long run than it does now. I have mastered calling on you and my enlightened Ancestors for support. Some nights I pull through like a CHAMP, others,not so much. Change is hard momma. Life without you is very different. The kids are growing up and doing their own thing and this is the FIRST time in my adult life I am alone. Like, I went from your house to my husband's house, back to your house with a 1 year old and pregnant after we separated. Then,to my own house with two kids when we divorced, then back to take care of you with two teenagers. Now you're gone. The kids stay gone and it's just...me and King. Lol. See King came for a reason. The Universe knew I needed him! Gotta laugh. It's the only way I stay sane. I don't do well when my scales are tipped(it's a Libra thing). I like my life to be as balanced as possible. And it's been turned upside down. The shift that is happening is honesty liberating and almost debilitating if I allow myself to journey down that dark path.

I promised you I would keep an eye on your boys. They are ok. I ain't killed one yet! Lol. Vincent carries around your obituary in his pocket. He is still in the same clothes from your funeral. Not sure why he won't change them even though he washes them and has other clothes. He still keeps saying"he thought he would go before you". I told him God knew you wouldn't be able to handle it so he took you first. He said he thinks about you everyday. Terral is good too. He hit some rough patches as well but he's ok. They are both ok. We are going to be ok. I am going to be ok. Just takes time and me writing while I cry. I know most feel like I share too much but it's my outlet. What else am I going to do? People get uncomfortable when I start to talk about you. Like, mom you can feel the energy shift so quickly. And it's not that I am even speaking about you in a sad manner, just me sharing a story or memory and people tense up real quick and get quiet or give that half awkward smile. My favorite is that quick change of subject. So, I try not to talk too much about you. Which makes me bottle everything up inside until moments like this where I cry and write. Write and cry. This is how I am choosing to grieve all while trying not to eat and drink myself do death!

I love you momma. Talk to you later.

Love,

Pooh-Pooh

My nephew Quinton and brother Vincent

                              20 years. Change. Mint Green to Tan

Death and An Emotional Eater

November 18,2018 my mom kept complaining that she needed to go to the hospital because she "just knew something wasn't right." I angrily got her dressed and headed to the car to take her to the hospital. I just knew this was going to be another pointless trip to the hospital.  She kept complaining that she couldn't get in the car so I called the ambulance. When I arrived to the hospital her blood pressure was 201/134! But she was mom. Laughing, cracking jokes, sleeping and wanting something to eat. They decided they were going to keep her breathing,"just wasn't right." To us her breathing was always like that it was "normal".  What was supposed to be a one night stay turned in the ER Observation Unit turned in two, then three then, we can't seem to get her breathing under control we are going to move her upstairs.

November 21,2018 I get a call from my mom's nurse practitioner while I am at work. I believe the time was between 1:30-2 pm. She says, "Shuntella, we really need to have the discussion about placing your mother in Hospice care. We have tried all kinds of medicines(she list them name by name), but nothing is working. I know this is hard to take in but she just isn't getting better sweetie. We don't just offer Hospice care just for the sake of offering. Generally, when we suggest Hospice there is a 6 month to 1 year life expectancy. Blah blah blah blah blah." That's how I remember the rest of the conversation. I remember walking over to my dear friend at work and I began to cry. I couldn't believe this was happening. I thought I was prepared for this moment but NOTHING absolutely NOTHING prepares you for this. My friend offered to drive me to the hospital but I declined the offer because I had to pull myself together and handle this. WRONG! I made it maybe a mile or two down Richmond road and had to call one of my best friends to come and get me. My first moment in vulnerability. I couldn't do this simple task of driving to the hospital to see my dying mother. Who was going to get the kids? how was I going to tell the kids? I have to call the family. Who do I call first? How do I tell them? Should I wait until after I speak to the Hospice people? Hospice? Bluegrass Care Navigators? Death? She is leaving me? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!!!

True to my nature I suck it up. I don't have time for this crying shit. Shit needs to be taken care of so suck it sweetie and let's handle this shit. My best friend and I get the kids. I tell them on our way to the hospital. I call my brother who is out of town and tell him to come home. I call my Aunt, she offers to call the rest of the family. I call my cousin who lives in Florida and tell her to prepare herself to take a flight to Lexington.

November 22,2018 Thanksgiving. She was in good spirits kept talking about my Aunt Henrietta's banana pudding and how she always cooked. My brother came home.

November 23,2018 we prepared my mom's room for her to come home. She wanted to come home. Hospice was coming with her hospital bed tomorrow. She told them she wanted a hospital bed. They(Hospice Representatives and her Nurse Practitioner) had discussed Hospice care with my mom. She asked if she was dying. The NP's response was,"Let' just say your body is getting tired Myrtle and we just want to make you as comfortable as possible." She smiled and said," That's ok, I know Jesus and he loves me. I just have to learn to love myself."

.
November 24,2018 The bed, oxygen tanks arrive. I go shopping for bed sheets to fit the mattress. I don't want white sheets feels and looks like death. I chose a pretty blue pattern and a white and grey in a similar pattern.

Kira and I pick her up from the hospital.I ride in the backseat. We stop at Rally's to get Devin something to eat. Mom looks out the window and ask, " Are we on Georgetown Street?" Yes ma'am.
"Mr. Lenoard's house used to be right there. It's gone now. Wonder why they tore it down?" Mr. Lenoard is my mother's foster father and where she grew up. I smiled because she remembered and she ALWAYS said the same exact thing every time we came down Georgetown Street and passed where his house used to be, (there is a new house built there now.")

We get her home and to her room. The first thing she says is,"That's not my bed." We all laugh. "Yes mom we know it's not your bed. Remember you told them you wanted a hospital bed?" She says hmmm... and that was the beginning of a very long night.

She was very uncomfortable. Tossing and turning in the bed. She was having a really hard time breathing and I didn't know what to do. Finally at 8 pm the Hospice nurse comes. I laugh here now because she was coming to do paperwork and she and I both were unprepared for the events that happened next. Mom really became anxious. The nurse called the on call doctor and they upped her dose of meds to keep her comfortable. Mom's breathes became shallow. I distinctly remember the nurse looking at me like she didn't know how to tell me what was about to happen or quickly happening. I looked at her and asked,"Should I call people to come?" Yes.

That night I didn't sleep. People were coming all the way up until 4 am. To pay their respects and see Aunt Myrt, Cousin Myrt, Mrs. Myrtle one last time.

My Aunt Lolo sat at her side and sang to her. I tired to sleep.

November 25,2018:

She's still alive. In and out of coherence. Often agitated. I was diligent with keeping her comfortable and medicated. I used her little writing tablet she kept by her bed. I kept it and a pencil at the foot of the bed on a food tray that Hospice provided. The social worker came and saw mom so uncomfortable she sprung into action. She was on the phone so quick and making things happen so fast I didn't know what to do. By the time she left we had meds being delivered, a CNA coming 2 times a week to bathe her and mom's oxygen turned up to 8(typically 5 is as high as you can or should go) to help her breathe. I wanted to cry,but I am not one to allow people I don't know see me crack.

I had been schooled as to how the days may unfold by different folk. One being the "Hospice Rally".It's when your loved one appears to be getting better they are eating, talking and just having a good time. An indication the end is near. I watched and waited. I took video. I climbed in the bed with my momma. I kissed my momma. I sung with my momma. I had never done that before. I stayed by my momma's side. I didn't want her to die alone. She always said she didn't want to die alone. And if you know me, you KNOW MY MOMMA WASN'T GOING TO DIE ALONE ON MY WATCH.

November 26,2018:

Her Hospice Rally Day

November 27,2018:
The days before were people in and out still to visit with mom. She got to eat all her favorite food. My Aunt Henrietta's banana pudding that momma had been asking for, chicken and dumplings, her Sprite and Ginger Ale. Just before going to the hospital my Aunt Henrietta had made my mom some liver and rice. She had called Aunt Henrietta to inform her that "She had made THE BEST Liver she had ever had!" All her favorites. The banana pudding was and chicken and dumplings were about the only thing I could get her to stay awake and eat by this point.

1pm my cell phone rings. It's my little brother who is in prison and can't come home. The priest has allowed him to call to talk to mom. She is staying incoherent more than coherent. But for a few minutes when she hears, "Hi momma! it's your son Terral momma." Her eyes light up and she smiles. She briefly looks around the room because she can't see him(I tell her he is on the phone) and says,"Hi Terral." He quickly tells her he loves her and he is sorry for all he has done and that he can't be there now for her. She fades away. My brother is frantically asking if she hears him and asking why isn't she answering him. I try to explain that this is where she is at and she hears him she just can't respond.

She went to sleep and her spirit didn't come back.


November 28,2018:

She is hardly waking up. Her eyes are becoming empty. Her kidneys are shutting down. She is hardly going. No # 2 for a week now. No smiles. No moans unless you moved her. She would take a few ice chips. I had to hold her mouth closed for her to swallow. No more cries for God to help her. No more ,"Pooh-Pooh help me. Pooh-Pooh I love you.You're a good daughter."
Just ever deepening swallow breathes.

November 30,2018:

Her eyes are empty. She isn't moaning even when you move her. She smiled early that day because her last grand-baby came to see her. My little brother's son. He is 3 years old. Without any fear A'mirean is placed on the bed to kiss her and he smiles and kisses her on the cheek. As he stands by her bedside I snap a picture. She takes what is seemingly her last breath. It is just him, my niece(his sister) and myself in the room. I freeze. Oh Shit! Oh Shit! Oh Shit. My niece ask what's wrong. I say,"she stopped breathing. Oh Shit!" I go down the hallway to get my brother Renoard (the 2nd oldest) he runs by her side. She comes back. He picks up her hand and says,"I'm here momma . Me and Pooh-Pooh are here."

Inhale.
She is gone.
5:40 pm

I am a spiritual woman. So I made SURE my momma's journey to the afterlife was done correctly and with love. My sisters came to support and help me. Kira just so happened had taken her next to last final at U of L. So my cousin Quiana went to pick her up. Devin was with a friend so he had to be brought home. Everyone came to say good-bye to my momma. How ironic that the same nurse that came to do paperwork in the beginning was there at the end. She said " I am here for YOU. If I need to tell people to leave then i will. YOU tell me when to call the funeral home and what funeral home to call because it's YOUR CHOICE and I will take care of it. And she did. I will be forever grateful to Hospice.

The Days After:

The days to follow are slowly coming back to me as to the events that took place. I really didn't have time to grieve. There was so much to be done, people coming by, the roof was getting fixed. It was a lot. It's not the death that is hard. It's the paperwork, the decisions, people's opinions of how you should do things. Like UGH!!!

My eating consisted of sweets and alcohol. I was determined to "drink until this shit was funny." Literally that's what I said and meant.
It was full of wonderful memories and family and friends that I hadn't seen in some time. But it was also lonely. I couldn't dance. There was no music in the house. She wasn't waking me up with church music at 3 am. She wasn't singing. She wasn't here. I thought I was ready, but I was so far from ready.

For a person who grits her teeth and smiles when she is in absolute pain. It was difficult to do. I had it all together. "No worries."  My favorite phrase. I can't sleep through the night(it's better now but I have my sleepless nights still). Worrying about how everyone else is doing. I drink to sleep. But I can't keep drinking like this because my father was an alcoholic. DAMN! How am I supposed to cope? Fudge rounds, candy, Cool Ranch Doritos, Pound Cake and Cheesecake that's how. Oh and glasses of wine.

I didn't officially "break down" until December 21st. I remember because I was listening to Christmas music at work and that ain't me. Not a huge fan of the holidays, Christmas especially(but that's a whole other blog), but it was my momma's favorite. She literally woke up Christmas morning and shouted," HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS." I found myself crying at work. I couldn't stop. I kept running to the bathroom to get my shit together. It wasn't working. When I got home finally at 6 pm, I cried until Saturday morning. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't return text messages. I didn't talk to my children. I just cried. My chest hurt. My eyes hurt. I couldn't breathe but dammit it felt good. To release. To mourn my momma. To not put on a brave face. To not hear people say," it's going to be ok. Don't cry." I cried. I allowed myself to be vulnerable for me. I allowed this scared little girl to not be ok. That is a huge feat for me. HUGE!

Present:

I have my moments when my energy is solemn and I don't know why and I just can't seem to make a shift in it. So, I let it be and experience it for what it is. I still eat the junk. But I am more aware of doing it now and address the feelings and emotions associated with it. Let me tell ya, that shit hurts!!! Cause it isn't always about my momma being gone. Her being gone is the surface issue, but it's the mess I keep digging at that gets me. What is this about? And what is that about? Now what is this really about? And how did this make you feel Shuntella? And what is that really about? (Inside joke for my SFM sisters). But that is what I do. I am grateful to have learned how to deal with my shit and heal. Learning that helped heal my momma's womb, my womb, my daughters and future wombs to come in my family. I did the work momma for US. I wanted to heal us. I learned to LOVE me and you learned to LOVE YOU before you transitioned. Kira, Devin and I watched it. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. Kira and Devin formed relationships with you that me and my brothers never really had with you. Only because you were a young single mother of 6. You HAD to handle your business and keep us on the straight and narrow as much as you could. You STAYED PRAYED UP!

It's rough on all of us here in the house especially because we had been with her. I have taken care of my momma for at least 18 years. I saw parts of my momma no child wants to see. I feed her. I bathed her. When she became incontinent I cleaned her. Combed her hair. Dressed her. Took her to doctors appointments.Fought with her. LOVED her with everything in me. I was blessed to hear her tell me she was proud of me. That's all I needed to hear.

The music is back in the house. At any given moment from any 3 rooms in this house someone is playing music or singing. We start and end the day with it. Momma wouldn't have it any other way.

Keep praying for us. Don't stop asking if I'm ok. One day I will tell the truth and say, "No. I'm not ok and cry." And that's ok. I don't have to be strong all the time, but I will be cautious about who I share my vulnerability too.

Self-Care IS the Best Care

When I was growing up, my mother "taught" me that going to get your hair done, getting yours nails done and pedicures were a "waste of money". Heck, even shaving was a waste of time. Now, I realized that it was her way of saying we couldn't afford to do those things.  The older I got and the more women I came in contact with I started to learn that these things aren't as expensive as I was taught and most can been done yourself. To some people, a woman or man that goes to get his/her nails and toes done and eyebrows and body waxed are high maintenance. But in reality, it's not. It is, in my opinion, a person that is simply loving themselves FIRST!

There is the old saying,"when momma's not happy, no one is happy." And that's true for anyone not just momma.  How can a person who is not happy themselves make others happy or even enjoy others happiness? You MUST love yourself FIRST in order to truly love anyone else.  With that, I have learned that when you take time for you, life is a lot better. To step out of your reality for just moment to RECOUP and REJUVENATE does wonders. Take that time to do things that bring you joy. Whether it be pampering yourself with manicures and pedicures, spending the night at a hotel, hiking, getting a massage,going to see a movie, treat yourself to dinner, whatever it takes to help you refocus, regroup and be happy! I encourage you to put ME TIME in your calendar of events and budget at least once a month. If you can afford to do it more often, DO IT! Trust me, me time is awesome!

I don't think I can say it enough, when I say that, loving you FIRST is perfectly healthy! Self care does wonders for you and those around you.

Rejuvenate

Wow! It's been a mighty long time since I have blogged. A lot has been happening and caused a great shift in my life. Mostly for the good. I am hitting some bumps along the way. But thankfully I have been blessed to have learned how to cope with life's journey. I have learned that even though I am learning to love myself first, there is a lot that comes along with that than just saying it!  You absolutely MUST pamper yourself.  In order to be of help to others you must take care of yourself FIRST. So every now and then CHECK OUT from your reality. Even if it is for 1 hour to a week or two of doing something that brings you JOY. You are of no good to others or yourself if you are constantly stressed out, depressed, feeling worthless or undeserving of the very best that life has to offer you.  YOU ARE WORTHY! It doesn't have to be some lavish trip, just take a moment at least once a month to do something for you! Whether it be going to the park alone to have lunch or take a walk or sit and be still and connect with nature.  Ladies, go get a medi/pedi, a massage, treat yourself to dinner and a movie.  Let me stop here. That was the hardest thing for me to do is "date" myself. But I have come to find that, if I can't be comfortable with me,myself and I,how can I be good company for a potential mate?! It is weird at first,but DO IT! You learn so much about yourself. What you used to like may not bring you the same joy now. Try new things and go places, you might find something new that brings you happiness that you never knew could or would. Do things alone, you will get used to it and the people around you will admire you because they wish they had the courage to do it to! Men, it is ok for you to love on you as well and go places alone.  Go get a massage,do something you enjoy and that brings you happiness.

Rejuvenate! Rejuvenate! Rejuvenate! This year I turned 40 and made the conscious decision to travel to Jamaica with some of my girlfriends for 5day!!! The BEST decision of my life and surprisingly theirs as well.  See, you never fully understand how much of a break you need until you do it! So, I have made the decision every year for my birthday I will travel somewhere. State side or international. I love on myself once a month with a media/pedi or massage and when my schedule allows hang with people I enjoy being around and we make each other better people. Take some time for yourself to rejuvenate. I promise you won't regret it and the people around you will appreciate you to. Your energy will shift and attitude will change. All for the better!

Day 7 & 8 of Green Smoothie Cleanse

Day 7 was Super hard! Why? Because I cooked for my family; pot roast, cabbage, roasted potatoes, and cresent rolls! Yes lordt the struggle was REAL!! Unfortunely, I gave way to temptation :-(. I ate a few roasted potatoes and not one, but TWO rolls! I must admit it tasted soooo good, but yet I felt so bad. I felt bad enough to come and confess to my daughter what I had done. On a good note, I got my mom to drink another smoothie!!! She liked the Day 7 smoothie.

Appetite:
Honestly, I am not "hungry", but I am over not being able to eat what I want to eat.  I just want a piece of grilled chicken or salmon!

Energy Level:
Off the charts! I have soooo much energy and feel absoultely GREAT! It's crazy how I used to get up in the morning very sluggish, and sleepy. Now when the alarm clock goes off I am up and at it and STAY alert all day. Even my mind is clearer. I am able to think things through and when things do go well I am not quick to anger or be frustrated. I am fairly calm and think of a more postive, helpful response.

Sleep:
For the most part it has been A-MAZ-ING! Last night, I kept waking up every few hours like I used to do. It may have something to do with that forbidden food I ate :-(.

Taste:
The taste of  Day 7 Pineapple Berry was good! I do not use stevia in my smoothies because I am not a fan of it. So for the most part I don't use anything, although on the ones that call for kale I do use honey.


Day 8: Spinach Kale Berry
Boy-o-boy! I should not have eaten that food. I couldn't sleep last night and when I got up, my body let me know quick-fast-and in a hurry that it did not appreciate what I had done. I had a headache, I had diarrhea and my stomach hurt. Bet I won't do that mess again EVER! Needless to say I was back on track this morning.

Appetite:
Still non-existent. But I continue to snack every two hours and drink my 3 smoothies a day

Taste:
Didn't really care for this one but I drunk it.

Energy Level:
Is still on 100! I feel great and looking a little slimmer!

Day 6: GSC

Wooo hoooo!! Day 6 and holding very STRONG. I am already planning my NEXT 10-day cleanse.

Pineapple Spinach

APPETITE:
Umm...I really still don't have an appetite.  I don't allow myself to get hungry. I eat when the alarm clock says eat! lol

SLEEP:
AWESOME!!!! I wake up energized and ready to take on the day with a smile on my face!


ENERY LEVEL:
It is great! I workout just as fine, if not better than before! Although, after the workout it takes a while for me to come down and relax. But I guess that is'nt too bad.


TASTE:
ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!! On a scale of 1-10 I give this one a 20!!! Here is just how good it is.  Each day I ask my mother to taste each smoothie and each smoothie she says is nasty. Today, I let her taste this one and her words were,"It's still green." she takes a sip and then...another sip! She liked it! She really liked it! She said,"This is the best one yet" and she even drunk the whole 16oz!

and she even thanked me! She thanked me! Ooooo yeah!!!! Bring on Day 7!