I Ain't Who You Think I Am.

" If I didn't define myself for myself I would be crushed into other peoples fantasies of me and eaten alive." ~ Audre Lorde

Today has been a day of feeling inadequate to say the least. It started off pretty normal. Getting up getting dressed for work "thinking" I looked good and cute in my cream colored turtle neck sweater with my brown pencil skirt and brown knee high boots. But the moment. The very moment I step outside the thoughts come as they often do. Can people see my stomach? Do my thighs shake when I walk? My face looks fat. Do I look fat in this outfit? You're ugly. You're fat. No one wants you. The struggle is REAL.

Most people THINK I am so confident. Nope not really. I literally talk myself up and hide behind the smile and making people laugh. If you asked me to get naked-I would gladly, but I would let you know as I undressed all about my flaws. "Ok? But do know I have stretch marks. And cellulite. I have a stomach as well. There is skin that hangs loose under my arms. And my thighs touch.I don't have perky breast.I have 2 C-Section scars and a pacemaker scar. Oh! and back fat and my left ear has what's called cauliflower ear." I want to make you aware because I don't want you to be disappointed by what you see. I honestly don't want you to have high expectations of me and I not meet those expectations. I want to expose all my imperfections before you can notice them yourself. Crazy I know.  I believe therapist call this the Imposter Syndrome. The imposter syndrome is defined as; a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. Imposters suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feeling of success or external proof of their competence. What does that mean? It means yes I know I lost weight. Yes I know I have kept the majority of it off . No matter how much I lose or tone it won't be enough. I feel like I can do better. I can pull off a successful event but I can tell you all the things I could do better and I feel like people think I could have done better despite them saying otherwise. This happens in many areas of my life, not just weight loss.

Consequently so even with the death of my mother. People can tell me all day everyday how well I did with taking care of her all those years. I feel I could have done better. I could have done more. How much more? I don't know! Maybe not get so irritated at times. Been around even more.Listened more. I don't know. All I know is that inside I feel like the world sees something that I feel I am not. I'm not a wonderful daughter, sister or friend. I honestly feel like I am an imposter. Yes. I am very open and transparent about a lot of things, more than likely too many things at times, but I feel like I have to expose my flaws so that you see me. You see that I am not who you think I am. I don't want to disappoint you or make you think I am more than I am.  In my head I can say I am a good person but I will follow it with.. BUT... I am not sure how I became this way but I have my theories. One being my mother used to tell me all the time how gullible I was and that I needed to stop letting people run over me. To me, I wasn't being gullible I was doing what felt right and good in my heart and spirit,but most people take advantage of that. And that mad Myrtle fighting mad. "Why do you let people treat you like that Shuntella? Can't you see they aren't treating you right?" Honestly, I couldn't see it and often don't most times until I really get my feelings hurt. Maybe because deep down I feel like somehow I deserve it because gullible people are stupid people, so you deserve to get your feelings hurt. I am fully aware that is an untrue statement and no one deserves to be mistreated but how else can you explain it? My beloved mentor once enlightened me when I turned 30 and said, " You are not gullible Shuntella. You do things with pure and positive intent. If others choose to misuse your intentions that is on them not you. You can never be gullible if your intentions are pure." Never a truer statement has been made,but 13 years later it's just as hard to take in and change my thoughts.

Changing old habits and your thought process is THE HARDEST thing to do. When talking to one of my best friends I told her about how a man had paid me a compliment about my body and how after the compliment was made I immediately started sharing my flaws and why I wasn't nicely built like the person thought. She asked me why. "Why do you do that Shuntella? Why? You are a beautiful person inside and out just take the compliment and say thank you and let that be that." I wish I could. I know I should but I can't most times. Once you see for real what I look like you won't like me. You will run away. I am sure of it. I guess it's some kind of defense mechanism to avoid being hurt and hearing she's cute but... In the back of my mind I see my spiritual mother lovingly looking at me,tilting her head, raising her eyebrows and sweetly saying,"And what else is this about Shuntella?" Ugh! It's about a learned behavior of being humble and not praising yourself. I was taught to be humble and don't let compliments give you a big head." As well as if you did something good you don't praise yourself that's being conceded. And" God doesn't like you being vain and bragging on yourself." So I mastered deflecting. "Thank you. But I ain't all that and here is why." If ever a compliment was made to me in my house it was often followed by a but. You did good BUT... That was good BUT why did you do xyz? You look cute in that BUT... Do you have any idea how that has affected me? I do. I can't take a compliment now.I question your intent behind the compliment. Are you making fun of me because I am gullible enough to think you really mean it? I wait for the but and if there is no but I will give you one because I know you saw the flaw. I know I wasn't and can't be good enough that you can't find something that could be better. You are just playing nice and not saying it. So let me say it for you. That was good BUT... Yes. I can quickly tell others there is no but when others do it. That is because I know how this turmoil feels and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to ever endure this. Over the past couple of years I have gotten better and make every effort to practice what I preach, but it is a battle.

This battle has allowed me to learn and affirm to love myself where I am. To be consciously aware of what I am doing and why I am doing it. To assure myself where I am and set goals for where I want to be and can be because I am good enough if I get out of my own way. To redefine me. To redefine my beauty and be able to just say, "Thank you." when a compliment is given and shut my mouth. There is no but. It is what it is. Constantly affirming to myself I am who I say I am. And if by chance I fail at something it's ok. Most people won't see you as an imposter because you failed they will see you as a person who tried and it just didn't work out-this time. I am Shuntella unapologetically. I am beautifully made. I have worked hard to get here and stay here. I ain't who you think I am. I am who I say I am. Who I am learning to be without other peoples opinions of me and who I should be.
I Am...
Beautiful
Determined
A Dancing Spirit
Music Lover
A Goddess
Healing from the inside out
Fully assembled with batteries included
Whole
Enough
A Divine woman
Love
Joyful
Going for everything the Universe has for me
Delightful
Healthy
A Phenomenal Woman

And I don't need your eyes to see me or to define me.