You know every year for the past 11 years I have been so depressed come Christmas morning. Either I was depressed because I was all alone with no one to sit up late with to wrap Christmas presents or cuddle up to Christmas morning and watch the kids open their gifts. Or, I was lying in the bed crying because I wasn't able to afford to buy the kids gifts at all or all that they wanted for Christmas. Christmas hasn't been a very pleasant holiday for me for many years.
BUT NOT THIS YEAR!!!
I started off being a little down that this was year number 11 ALONE. My kids leave every Christmas morning and spend most of the day with their father and his family and I am home all alone. But who cares(shrugs shoulders and smiles). I am happy and healthy. My kids are happy and healthy as well as my family and friends. Then, I was a little down that I couldn't get all of what my kids wanted but, I just said Thank you Lord for what I AM ABLE to get them!Underneath the Christmas tree won't be empty. I got up this morning and watched my kids open their gifts and smile, they were so happy! They weren't expecting much but they weren't expecting to get what they got either :-)TING! What I love about my kids and my relationship is that I am open and honest with them about things happening in our lives and they are understanding. Yes, they get a little down because they don't have all of what their friends have but, they are grateful for what I can provide for them. The most AWESOME part is when I step aside and stop worrying and truly hand things over to God, HE PROVIDED!!! Family and friends stepped in to help make things possible for my babies! I am eternally grateful. All morning I have been thanking God for what he has done for us.
This week has been very trying but I didn't lose FAITH. Can you believe it? I didn't lose FAITH! Normally, I would just give up go to my room and cry and ask God why are you doing this to me? What have I done wrong? BUT NOT THIS YEAR! This year I am smiling and dancing in my kitchen floor praising God for what he blessed me with this year and seeing the blessing in the ALL small things! He truly has made a way out of NO WAY this week, month and year for me. I danced in the kitchen while I sung " Can't nobody, do me like Jesus. Can't nobody, do me like the Lord. Can't nobody do me like Jesus cause he's my friend!" Woo THANK YA JESUS!
The BEST Christmas ever started on Friday. I received the news that I was approved to host my dream of Fabulously Fit at the Charles Young Community Center for FREE January 11,2014. Next, I received an unexpected message from a Humana Representative wanting to be a part of the Fabulously Fit event! THANK YOU LORD! Then, I thought I was going to experience some even harder times. I prepared my kids and the house for the worst and guess what? GOD came through ON TIME and all is well! Then, I was down about not too many Christmas gifts under the tree for my kids. But, my family and friends sent things I didn't know were coming and gave without asking anything in return. My kids were blessed any how and I was PROUD for once for what I COULD do and not sad about what I couldn't. My kids were so excited to see me open my gifts from them that they either made for me or bought for me with their own money. They enjoyed seeing me smile on Christmas as much as I did them! They even took pride in buying for each other! My mother is alive and well. She has even managed to lose 25 pounds in four months! All her numbers a GOOD! Doctor is impressed and told her to keep it up and she was even happy and wants to keep losing weight! Last but not least, I was blessed with a second job! That I actually enjoy and it works perfect for my weird schedule. How can I not be happy this Christmas!
Through my studying and wisdom from my spiritual mother, I have found that by me constantly focusing on what I don't have or can't afford and all the other negative stuff,that is what I keep attracting in my life. So, I have been making a very conscious effort to focus on what I DO HAVE and being grateful for what I have been blessed with and more of those blessings have been brought into my life. When I find myself saying I can't afford this or that. I change the thought to," I will get it later just not right now and that is ok." It doesn't make me a failure because I can't run out and buy the things I want or even need. It just means I need to come up with a better way of getting to what I want and need or sitting still and let God bring it to me in due time whichever way he/she decides they want me to receive it. I have even learned that it doesn't make me a failure or weak to ask for help. We all need help sometimes and there are people willing to help when they know you are trying. THANK YOU to ALL of you that have been there for me and my kids! We appreciate you beyond words.
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Fabulously Fit " Where Loving Yourself FIRST is perfectly healthy."
Fabulously Fit " Where loving yourself FIRST is perfectly healthy."
Fabulously Fit is an event to invoke a fun, positive and lasting lifestyle change for the community. To introduce to people the different avenues of fitness workouts that I have used in my weight loss journey. Those avenues being: Aerobics, DAFRI fitness, Zumba and Boot camp. I want to feature and introduce to the community the amazing LOCAL instructors that teach these classes and have inspired me to keep pushing forward!
So what is in store for the community? Six different instructors teaching their classes. Each instructor will have a 20 minute showcase their class. Then, we will have the wonder Neil Burns as guest speaker. Neil is from Richmond, Ky. and has lost over 400 pounds! He will share his story. There will be a photographer on hand to start you off on your before and after photos and Lexington's very own Chris Hudson will be on hand with his Life's Journey clothing line.
The instructors include:
Krisi Sexton - Tai Chi
Felicia Walker- Zumba
Jason Thompson- DAFRI Dance Fitness(DAFRI meaning " Dance Free"
Mark Johnson - Aerobics
Marvin Robinson & Willie Mays - Bootcamp
AND
Neil Burns - Guest Speaker
Shawn Connor- Connor Photography
Chris Hudson- Life's Journey Clothing
Paige Commodore- Humana Community Health Education
WHEN: January 11,2014
WHERE: Charles Young Community Center
TIME: 10am-12noon
COST: FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!
The back story:
A few months back I was at work and this great idea popped into my head. I was scribbling down my ideas on a piece of paper and took it to my best friend LaToya and asked her what she thought. She said she thought it was a great idea and would really be a hit! Plus, she liked how I was thanking my instructors and giving back to the community. I am the type of person that feels like you can never thank a person too much for what they have done for you. I always keep the mind set that people don't "have" to do anything for you, so when they do you should totally appreciate it, because I meant enough to you for you to do something for me!
Anyway, the idea came that I wanted to put together an event that would say THANK YOU to ALL the instructors that have supported me in my weight loss journey and it would answer the question to many whom have asked, "What did you do to lose the weight?" "Where do you go?", "Who teaches that class?"
I know how it is to want to lose the weight and can not afford the gym memberships each month so you get discouraged. I want to present to the community the LOCAL instructors that have classes that are AFFORDABLE and they are WONDERFUL, CARING, SUPPORTIVE people to help keep you motivated and on the right path and I wanted to do this FOR FREE!
So, I put in a call to a local entrepreneur, CEO and founder of Life's Journey clothing Chris Hudson and asked," How do I make this happen? You started with a dream can you give me advice on how to go about this?" And he did! I am so grateful that he took the time out oh his busy day to give little ole me some direction. THANK YOU Chris!
So once I wrote down my ideas as Chris advised and I kept them close to my heart until I was really ready to act. Things started to shift a bit so I put the idea aside but it kept coming back over and over and over again. Finally, one day I decided OK! this isn't going to leave me alone so God MUST be trying to tell me something! So, I went for it. I started by contacting the instructors and asking if they would volunteer their time and each agreed. I jumped the first hurdle. Then, I needed to put my ideas neatly in a proposal so that I could find a space to have this event. Done! Next, was presenting the proposal. FAIL! I was turned down. I was hurt and said I was going to keep moving and try someone else but in reality I set the proposal aside and kinda gave up. Allowing the negative thoughts to creep in and tell me that my dream would never come to pass. But then I read something that Tyler Perry said,"You can get a thousand no's from people, and only one "yes" from God." God was giving my "yes" with the idea all i needed to do was step out on faith and he would take care of the rest. Sometimes I think God will throw the no's in there to see just how bad you really want it. So, I did a redraft of the proposal and took it somewhere else.
I am so excited to say that on Friday December 20,2013 at 3:22pm I got a voicemail from Debbie Griggs at Charles Young Community Center that said..."YES" OMG! I am so excited my dream is coming true!
I hope to see you there and bring your friends and family with you and start the New Year off right by adapting and living a healthy lifestyle!
Fabulously Fit is an event to invoke a fun, positive and lasting lifestyle change for the community. To introduce to people the different avenues of fitness workouts that I have used in my weight loss journey. Those avenues being: Aerobics, DAFRI fitness, Zumba and Boot camp. I want to feature and introduce to the community the amazing LOCAL instructors that teach these classes and have inspired me to keep pushing forward!
So what is in store for the community? Six different instructors teaching their classes. Each instructor will have a 20 minute showcase their class. Then, we will have the wonder Neil Burns as guest speaker. Neil is from Richmond, Ky. and has lost over 400 pounds! He will share his story. There will be a photographer on hand to start you off on your before and after photos and Lexington's very own Chris Hudson will be on hand with his Life's Journey clothing line.
The instructors include:
Krisi Sexton - Tai Chi
Felicia Walker- Zumba
Jason Thompson- DAFRI Dance Fitness(DAFRI meaning " Dance Free"
Mark Johnson - Aerobics
Marvin Robinson & Willie Mays - Bootcamp
AND
Neil Burns - Guest Speaker
Shawn Connor- Connor Photography
Chris Hudson- Life's Journey Clothing
Paige Commodore- Humana Community Health Education
WHEN: January 11,2014
WHERE: Charles Young Community Center
TIME: 10am-12noon
COST: FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!
The back story:
A few months back I was at work and this great idea popped into my head. I was scribbling down my ideas on a piece of paper and took it to my best friend LaToya and asked her what she thought. She said she thought it was a great idea and would really be a hit! Plus, she liked how I was thanking my instructors and giving back to the community. I am the type of person that feels like you can never thank a person too much for what they have done for you. I always keep the mind set that people don't "have" to do anything for you, so when they do you should totally appreciate it, because I meant enough to you for you to do something for me!
Anyway, the idea came that I wanted to put together an event that would say THANK YOU to ALL the instructors that have supported me in my weight loss journey and it would answer the question to many whom have asked, "What did you do to lose the weight?" "Where do you go?", "Who teaches that class?"
I know how it is to want to lose the weight and can not afford the gym memberships each month so you get discouraged. I want to present to the community the LOCAL instructors that have classes that are AFFORDABLE and they are WONDERFUL, CARING, SUPPORTIVE people to help keep you motivated and on the right path and I wanted to do this FOR FREE!
So, I put in a call to a local entrepreneur, CEO and founder of Life's Journey clothing Chris Hudson and asked," How do I make this happen? You started with a dream can you give me advice on how to go about this?" And he did! I am so grateful that he took the time out oh his busy day to give little ole me some direction. THANK YOU Chris!
So once I wrote down my ideas as Chris advised and I kept them close to my heart until I was really ready to act. Things started to shift a bit so I put the idea aside but it kept coming back over and over and over again. Finally, one day I decided OK! this isn't going to leave me alone so God MUST be trying to tell me something! So, I went for it. I started by contacting the instructors and asking if they would volunteer their time and each agreed. I jumped the first hurdle. Then, I needed to put my ideas neatly in a proposal so that I could find a space to have this event. Done! Next, was presenting the proposal. FAIL! I was turned down. I was hurt and said I was going to keep moving and try someone else but in reality I set the proposal aside and kinda gave up. Allowing the negative thoughts to creep in and tell me that my dream would never come to pass. But then I read something that Tyler Perry said,"You can get a thousand no's from people, and only one "yes" from God." God was giving my "yes" with the idea all i needed to do was step out on faith and he would take care of the rest. Sometimes I think God will throw the no's in there to see just how bad you really want it. So, I did a redraft of the proposal and took it somewhere else.
I am so excited to say that on Friday December 20,2013 at 3:22pm I got a voicemail from Debbie Griggs at Charles Young Community Center that said..."YES" OMG! I am so excited my dream is coming true!
I hope to see you there and bring your friends and family with you and start the New Year off right by adapting and living a healthy lifestyle!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Accepting my Curves
" All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't."~
Marilyn Monroe
Today was a FAB-U-LOUS day for me! Not because I won the lottery or anything. It was because I woke up feeling pretty with a smile on my face ready to take on the day, whatever came my way I was going to greet it with my FMDS, Fabulous Million Dollar Smile! :-)TING!
As I got dressed to go to work this morning I felt so pretty. I even had my son take a picture of me. On my way to work I had to laugh at myself in the car because I found it truly amazing how adorning my body in basic black and these wonderful accessories had changed my whole attitude about myself for a moment. How I walked with my head up, chest out and eyes with pride. There was a certain rhythmic sway in my walk and I wanted to smile and greet everyone! I can not express how pretty I felt and here it is 7:30pm and I am STILL smiling and feeling pretty.So today I did as my spiritual advisor tells me when I feel this way,I " Bottle up this feeling so when you are feeling down or people aren't on your side you can pull this out and remember how gooood it felt."
There aren't many days I feel this way. I always see the negative in myself and the physical flaws( fat rolls, hanging skin, stretch marks,etc.) but not today! Today, I saw a beautiful young woman. A woman that had a lot to offer to the world. As I drove to work this random thought came across my mind how women compare themselves to other women. In this particular thought, how women compare themselves to the ex's new girl or the one he cheated on them with. What is the first thing women say?,"She ain't even cute! He could've at least upgraded. She don't even look like nothin''. Then, we proceed to critique her hair,clothes, how she talks, walks and acts. But it dawned on me that the men aren't seeing her that way. No, she may not be as cute as you are or dress as well as you, but it is all in how she carries herself. That confidence is something sexy! Think about it, every woman wants a confident man. A man who KNOWS who he is and what he brings to the table and KNOWS he has the finest woman in town and he has her mind,body and soul so he doesn't have to worry about no other man stealing her away from him! So what does he attract? The woman who is confident, her head is up (but not stuck up), she cares about how she presents herself and carries herself as a lady and she KNOWS what she brings to the table and if you don't like it please feel free to get up from her table so someone else can appreciate what she has to offer. Yes, physical attraction plays a part in all this but the confidence is what draws you in. She/he can be the most beautiful thing that God created but if they lack that self confidence you tend to turn away from them and then say,"Man she cute and all but that's all she is." Or, "Girl he is fine but he doesn't have that umf to him,you know what I mean?" Their lack of confidence doesn't make you want to get to know them better or even be around them even more.
I have a sister friend that thinks she is the Sh*T! and you can't tell her otherwise. When she walks past a mirror or even a window she watches herself until she can't anymore and then proceeds to walk with her head up and switchin' so hard you would think she is going to throw her hip out! But I LOVE that about her. I always said,"I wish I could have just an ounce of your confidence, I would be one bad woman." She always laughs at me and says,"Ms. Shuntella I don't know why you don't you are a very beautiful woman." But see I don't see what she sees. I see with negative eyes. I see fat rolls, big thighs and back fat. Things I feel that need to be fixed in order for people to see me as pretty. My disillusional eyes.
After playing dress up for this new job I found a new appreciation and acceptance of the body I am in. I realized I will NEVER be model skinny, that's just not in my DNA. I have embraced my thick thighs,big calves and full hips. That is how God made me. BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE my curves. There are women out there that wish they had what I was wishing to get rid of. And there is a man that KNOWS I am the finest woman in town, at least in his eyes and KNOWS what I bring to the table. Why? Because I KNOW I may not be the finest woman in town but I will sho'nuff give the finest a run for her money honey! and what I bring so to the table is God sent and has been worked on and continues to be a work in progress!
Marilyn Monroe
Today was a FAB-U-LOUS day for me! Not because I won the lottery or anything. It was because I woke up feeling pretty with a smile on my face ready to take on the day, whatever came my way I was going to greet it with my FMDS, Fabulous Million Dollar Smile! :-)TING!
As I got dressed to go to work this morning I felt so pretty. I even had my son take a picture of me. On my way to work I had to laugh at myself in the car because I found it truly amazing how adorning my body in basic black and these wonderful accessories had changed my whole attitude about myself for a moment. How I walked with my head up, chest out and eyes with pride. There was a certain rhythmic sway in my walk and I wanted to smile and greet everyone! I can not express how pretty I felt and here it is 7:30pm and I am STILL smiling and feeling pretty.So today I did as my spiritual advisor tells me when I feel this way,I " Bottle up this feeling so when you are feeling down or people aren't on your side you can pull this out and remember how gooood it felt."
There aren't many days I feel this way. I always see the negative in myself and the physical flaws( fat rolls, hanging skin, stretch marks,etc.) but not today! Today, I saw a beautiful young woman. A woman that had a lot to offer to the world. As I drove to work this random thought came across my mind how women compare themselves to other women. In this particular thought, how women compare themselves to the ex's new girl or the one he cheated on them with. What is the first thing women say?,"She ain't even cute! He could've at least upgraded. She don't even look like nothin''. Then, we proceed to critique her hair,clothes, how she talks, walks and acts. But it dawned on me that the men aren't seeing her that way. No, she may not be as cute as you are or dress as well as you, but it is all in how she carries herself. That confidence is something sexy! Think about it, every woman wants a confident man. A man who KNOWS who he is and what he brings to the table and KNOWS he has the finest woman in town and he has her mind,body and soul so he doesn't have to worry about no other man stealing her away from him! So what does he attract? The woman who is confident, her head is up (but not stuck up), she cares about how she presents herself and carries herself as a lady and she KNOWS what she brings to the table and if you don't like it please feel free to get up from her table so someone else can appreciate what she has to offer. Yes, physical attraction plays a part in all this but the confidence is what draws you in. She/he can be the most beautiful thing that God created but if they lack that self confidence you tend to turn away from them and then say,"Man she cute and all but that's all she is." Or, "Girl he is fine but he doesn't have that umf to him,you know what I mean?" Their lack of confidence doesn't make you want to get to know them better or even be around them even more.
I have a sister friend that thinks she is the Sh*T! and you can't tell her otherwise. When she walks past a mirror or even a window she watches herself until she can't anymore and then proceeds to walk with her head up and switchin' so hard you would think she is going to throw her hip out! But I LOVE that about her. I always said,"I wish I could have just an ounce of your confidence, I would be one bad woman." She always laughs at me and says,"Ms. Shuntella I don't know why you don't you are a very beautiful woman." But see I don't see what she sees. I see with negative eyes. I see fat rolls, big thighs and back fat. Things I feel that need to be fixed in order for people to see me as pretty. My disillusional eyes.
After playing dress up for this new job I found a new appreciation and acceptance of the body I am in. I realized I will NEVER be model skinny, that's just not in my DNA. I have embraced my thick thighs,big calves and full hips. That is how God made me. BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE my curves. There are women out there that wish they had what I was wishing to get rid of. And there is a man that KNOWS I am the finest woman in town, at least in his eyes and KNOWS what I bring to the table. Why? Because I KNOW I may not be the finest woman in town but I will sho'nuff give the finest a run for her money honey! and what I bring so to the table is God sent and has been worked on and continues to be a work in progress!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Facebook Junkie
"Do you need everyone's eyes just to be seen? Look inside and find that beautiful person. Once you see how beautiful and wonderful you are so will everyone else and you won't need their eyes to see you."~ Shuntella Whitfield written June 22,2010 as a morning affirmation to family and friends via text.
As I am peeling back these layers of negativity about myself the question was presented to me as to why I feel the need to be on facebook so much?Why do I need to share so much? What does facebook do for me?
Wow! Those were darn good question! Here is what I sat with and came to terms with.
Why do I feel the need to be on facebook so much?
Well, the surface answer; some of it is because I am bored. My kids are getting older and have friends they would rather talk to or hang out with so I just get on facebook. I am an open person and I like to share things with people. I want to keep in contact with my friends and family and share with and in what is going on in our lives.I greatly do enjoy seeing and sharing family pictures and accomplishments of my family and friends it keeps me close to them.
The dig deeper answer:
Because I have a low self esteem. Plain and simple. I feel like my family and friends are doing better than I am so I subconsciously get on to live vicariously through them. To see how I measure up. I want to see if I'm really as big of a disappointment as I think I am compared to my peers.
Why do I need to share so much?
I want confirmation from my peers that I am doing well. It is like being a little kid seeking your parents approval for doing something good. "See ya'll! See what I did? Did I do good? Huh? Did I?" and waiting for the number of likes to go up and feeling a great disappointment when they don't. Wondering why? How or what did I or not do to get this outcome? Crazy, I know but this is my thought process. To take it a little further, I get to the point where I look to see if the person(s) I admire the most have liked my status(Not going to mention their names). Then, there is a GREAT excitement when you see them actually LIKE my status. I literally jump for joy sometimes or get tremendously overjoyed on the inside. I swear to God this is the truth. I feel so proud. It's like that instant gratification that I am did something right. "They like it! They really, really like it!". This all is rooted in childhood issues of needing to be accepted.
Another reason is to say,"See I'm not a f@&* up!" a "Ah ha in your face!" kinda deal. For those who have laughed and talked behind my back this is the moment I can shine and PROVE I am the S@!#! Look at me now! You thought I was going to fail but I didn't! At these moments I don't really care about the likes because it wasn't about seeking approval it was/is about saying "I got the last laugh. Now go run tell that!"
Once I got to the point where my self esteem became a little bit stronger the post/sharing became more about empowering others. I made it this far let me stretch my hand to you and help you up. I don't care about the likes now. It is about putting the information and lessons out there to inspire or help someone who doesn't have the voice to speak out. The person who is hurting and doesn't see a way out. I want to use this particular social media to say,"There is a way out of the dark. Let me show you." It isn't going to be without pain but it can be done!
What does Facebook do for me?
It is my shadow feeder. After taking a little break from facebook and reflecting on these questions, facebook just feeds my shadows and demons. It is my outside stimulation to feel good about myself. When the truth of the matter is I should feel good about myself regardless of what people think of me! Either way it goes somebody, somewhere will have something to say about me whether it is good or bad. Yes, I prefer it to be all good, who doesn't? But let's be honest here there is ALWAYS a hater ready to throw 2 billion pounds of salt in your game! The thing is I need to find that balance between being humble and confident and not needing other people eyes to see how wonderful I am! This is the part I am working on real hard Learning to Love me Inside and Out!
I share this stuff in a blog not to seek approval,but to help someone else. I have come to experience that there are a lot of people like me but either they are in denial about it, they feel alone or they don't have anyone to talk to about what they are feeling. Well hell I will do it for you! It is what it is! If I can put myself out there in order to help someone else then I will! Because guess what? that is the type of person I am! If I eat, you eat! If I have, you have. What is the point of growing and learning and then keeping all this growth to yourself?!
There are a lot of Facebook stalkers. The ones that go to personal pages just to see what people are doing and saying so they can have conversation at the water cooler at work because they don't have a life. Good! Run tell this! I am putting my own s#@$ on blast. It isn't to appease you and could care less to whom you call or text about this blog and the contents therein. This is about ME healing me and not allowing my demons to be feed anymore. I want them to starve and die! In the process of my own healing I am helping kill someone elses demons. Hell, I just may be assisting in healing yours! :-) and that's cool too!
So, with all that being said feel free to delete me if this offended you. Feel free to never like another status post ever again. It's cool. I am beautiful. I matter to me. I am worthy of love. I AM LOVE! with or without facebook.
Yesterday's workout:
Treadmill:
Level 4
Leg shaper
30 minutes
2.6 miles ran
396 calories burned
Elliptical:
20 minutes
2.5miles
257 calories burned
Lifting:
worked on back
As I am peeling back these layers of negativity about myself the question was presented to me as to why I feel the need to be on facebook so much?Why do I need to share so much? What does facebook do for me?
Wow! Those were darn good question! Here is what I sat with and came to terms with.
Why do I feel the need to be on facebook so much?
Well, the surface answer; some of it is because I am bored. My kids are getting older and have friends they would rather talk to or hang out with so I just get on facebook. I am an open person and I like to share things with people. I want to keep in contact with my friends and family and share with and in what is going on in our lives.I greatly do enjoy seeing and sharing family pictures and accomplishments of my family and friends it keeps me close to them.
The dig deeper answer:
Because I have a low self esteem. Plain and simple. I feel like my family and friends are doing better than I am so I subconsciously get on to live vicariously through them. To see how I measure up. I want to see if I'm really as big of a disappointment as I think I am compared to my peers.
Why do I need to share so much?
I want confirmation from my peers that I am doing well. It is like being a little kid seeking your parents approval for doing something good. "See ya'll! See what I did? Did I do good? Huh? Did I?" and waiting for the number of likes to go up and feeling a great disappointment when they don't. Wondering why? How or what did I or not do to get this outcome? Crazy, I know but this is my thought process. To take it a little further, I get to the point where I look to see if the person(s) I admire the most have liked my status(Not going to mention their names). Then, there is a GREAT excitement when you see them actually LIKE my status. I literally jump for joy sometimes or get tremendously overjoyed on the inside. I swear to God this is the truth. I feel so proud. It's like that instant gratification that I am did something right. "They like it! They really, really like it!". This all is rooted in childhood issues of needing to be accepted.
Another reason is to say,"See I'm not a f@&* up!" a "Ah ha in your face!" kinda deal. For those who have laughed and talked behind my back this is the moment I can shine and PROVE I am the S@!#! Look at me now! You thought I was going to fail but I didn't! At these moments I don't really care about the likes because it wasn't about seeking approval it was/is about saying "I got the last laugh. Now go run tell that!"
Once I got to the point where my self esteem became a little bit stronger the post/sharing became more about empowering others. I made it this far let me stretch my hand to you and help you up. I don't care about the likes now. It is about putting the information and lessons out there to inspire or help someone who doesn't have the voice to speak out. The person who is hurting and doesn't see a way out. I want to use this particular social media to say,"There is a way out of the dark. Let me show you." It isn't going to be without pain but it can be done!
What does Facebook do for me?
It is my shadow feeder. After taking a little break from facebook and reflecting on these questions, facebook just feeds my shadows and demons. It is my outside stimulation to feel good about myself. When the truth of the matter is I should feel good about myself regardless of what people think of me! Either way it goes somebody, somewhere will have something to say about me whether it is good or bad. Yes, I prefer it to be all good, who doesn't? But let's be honest here there is ALWAYS a hater ready to throw 2 billion pounds of salt in your game! The thing is I need to find that balance between being humble and confident and not needing other people eyes to see how wonderful I am! This is the part I am working on real hard Learning to Love me Inside and Out!
I share this stuff in a blog not to seek approval,but to help someone else. I have come to experience that there are a lot of people like me but either they are in denial about it, they feel alone or they don't have anyone to talk to about what they are feeling. Well hell I will do it for you! It is what it is! If I can put myself out there in order to help someone else then I will! Because guess what? that is the type of person I am! If I eat, you eat! If I have, you have. What is the point of growing and learning and then keeping all this growth to yourself?!
There are a lot of Facebook stalkers. The ones that go to personal pages just to see what people are doing and saying so they can have conversation at the water cooler at work because they don't have a life. Good! Run tell this! I am putting my own s#@$ on blast. It isn't to appease you and could care less to whom you call or text about this blog and the contents therein. This is about ME healing me and not allowing my demons to be feed anymore. I want them to starve and die! In the process of my own healing I am helping kill someone elses demons. Hell, I just may be assisting in healing yours! :-) and that's cool too!
So, with all that being said feel free to delete me if this offended you. Feel free to never like another status post ever again. It's cool. I am beautiful. I matter to me. I am worthy of love. I AM LOVE! with or without facebook.
Yesterday's workout:
Treadmill:
Level 4
Leg shaper
30 minutes
2.6 miles ran
396 calories burned
Elliptical:
20 minutes
2.5miles
257 calories burned
Lifting:
worked on back
Sunday, December 8, 2013
So, this is what healing feels like?
"Dear God, teach me to love myself beyond the distorted perceptions and false beliefs I have created about myself." ~ Iyanla Vanzant
The last few weeks have been full of pain, re-living hurt feelings from my past and dealing with pain that isn't even mine. I have made terrible decisions in my life. Things that can't be undone, but they are lessons none the less. Through pain there is growth if you allow it.
I have spent 37 years of my life living and feeding the dark shadows inside me. They are shadows of lies I have self imposed and things so called friends and family have said about me at one time or another in my life that I accepted into my heart as TRUTH. By not dealing with these issues of the years I have let things fester in one form or another,be it over eating, not eating,or depression. None of it has been healthy for me. I am at a place in my life where I MUST face my demons and step away from the shadow into the light.
I am at a point in my life where I want to heal and grow and walk in my magnificent light, but I am afraid. What terrifies me is this life of pain, self doubt and feeling like I don't matter to myself or anyone else.This is the only life I know, if I let go of this old life and way of thinking what will I do?What do I do without it?
Who am I, really? What if the new me doesn't like me? What kind of people will I attract into my life and will my kids, family and friends accept me? What if I fail? People will laugh and talk about me, again.
I sat down one day and wrote a list of the lies I have told myself and the hurtful things people have said about me over the years. The list came to a total of twenty-five. I sat with this list for a little bit and put it away. One day, on my way home from a movie I had a breakdown/break through. I cried all the way home.I cried and screamed cried and cried and cried some more. I cried and screamed to the point I made myself sick. As I sat there on my knees with my face in the toilet I cried some more between the purging sessions. When I finally got up, my stomach felt light and it was pulsating. For those of you who do or don't know anything about chakra's the stomach area is your third chakra that deals with self esteem, personal power and will. Exactly what I have been working on healing! which explains my stomach feeling light and pulsating.
As I got up from the floor I looked in the bathroom mirror at my red face,swollen eyes and thought to myself...I'm beautiful. Despite what I look like right now I am beautiful. I went back to my bedroom and laid across the bed and was exhausted, but yet I cried some more. You know what I wanted to do so bad? Run to my daddy's arms and cry in his arms. Never felt like that before. I didn't go to him I just stayed in bed and eventually fell asleep.
There is nothing like dealing with all this hurt and pain and feeling so alone with no one to talk to. Although, I am blessed to have two ladies that have been guiding me through this.
Going back to this Lie List I wrote. After all the purging I just did, I decided I had to let go of the lies or I will never heal and move on. So, I set fire to the list! Yep! Burn baby burn! They no longer own a place in my heart or mind. I watched them burn and I released ALL the hurt and pain. I have now replaced that list with a 30 day Appreciation list. For 30 days I will write down what I appreciate about myself. I am replacing the self hatred, doubt, feeling worthless, like I don't matter to anyone and undeserving of life's blessings with ALL THE GOOD there is within me! I have written eight little affirmations and taped them to my mirror:
1) I am beautiful. (5) I am worthy.
2)I am love. (6) I matter.
3)I am God. (7) I deserve to be happy.
4) I am whole. (8) I am worthy of love.
They are there so that I remind myself EVERYDAY how beautiful I am inside and out. This is what healing is about. It isn't easy and God knows it is painful but I will rather hurt now and heal than spend the rest of my life and future lives in pure misery.
The last few weeks have been full of pain, re-living hurt feelings from my past and dealing with pain that isn't even mine. I have made terrible decisions in my life. Things that can't be undone, but they are lessons none the less. Through pain there is growth if you allow it.
I have spent 37 years of my life living and feeding the dark shadows inside me. They are shadows of lies I have self imposed and things so called friends and family have said about me at one time or another in my life that I accepted into my heart as TRUTH. By not dealing with these issues of the years I have let things fester in one form or another,be it over eating, not eating,or depression. None of it has been healthy for me. I am at a place in my life where I MUST face my demons and step away from the shadow into the light.
I am at a point in my life where I want to heal and grow and walk in my magnificent light, but I am afraid. What terrifies me is this life of pain, self doubt and feeling like I don't matter to myself or anyone else.This is the only life I know, if I let go of this old life and way of thinking what will I do?What do I do without it?
Who am I, really? What if the new me doesn't like me? What kind of people will I attract into my life and will my kids, family and friends accept me? What if I fail? People will laugh and talk about me, again.
I sat down one day and wrote a list of the lies I have told myself and the hurtful things people have said about me over the years. The list came to a total of twenty-five. I sat with this list for a little bit and put it away. One day, on my way home from a movie I had a breakdown/break through. I cried all the way home.I cried and screamed cried and cried and cried some more. I cried and screamed to the point I made myself sick. As I sat there on my knees with my face in the toilet I cried some more between the purging sessions. When I finally got up, my stomach felt light and it was pulsating. For those of you who do or don't know anything about chakra's the stomach area is your third chakra that deals with self esteem, personal power and will. Exactly what I have been working on healing! which explains my stomach feeling light and pulsating.
As I got up from the floor I looked in the bathroom mirror at my red face,swollen eyes and thought to myself...I'm beautiful. Despite what I look like right now I am beautiful. I went back to my bedroom and laid across the bed and was exhausted, but yet I cried some more. You know what I wanted to do so bad? Run to my daddy's arms and cry in his arms. Never felt like that before. I didn't go to him I just stayed in bed and eventually fell asleep.
There is nothing like dealing with all this hurt and pain and feeling so alone with no one to talk to. Although, I am blessed to have two ladies that have been guiding me through this.
Going back to this Lie List I wrote. After all the purging I just did, I decided I had to let go of the lies or I will never heal and move on. So, I set fire to the list! Yep! Burn baby burn! They no longer own a place in my heart or mind. I watched them burn and I released ALL the hurt and pain. I have now replaced that list with a 30 day Appreciation list. For 30 days I will write down what I appreciate about myself. I am replacing the self hatred, doubt, feeling worthless, like I don't matter to anyone and undeserving of life's blessings with ALL THE GOOD there is within me! I have written eight little affirmations and taped them to my mirror:
1) I am beautiful. (5) I am worthy.
2)I am love. (6) I matter.
3)I am God. (7) I deserve to be happy.
4) I am whole. (8) I am worthy of love.
They are there so that I remind myself EVERYDAY how beautiful I am inside and out. This is what healing is about. It isn't easy and God knows it is painful but I will rather hurt now and heal than spend the rest of my life and future lives in pure misery.
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