Facebook Junkie

"Do you need everyone's eyes just to be seen? Look inside and find that beautiful person. Once you see how beautiful and wonderful you are so will everyone else and you won't need their eyes to see you."~ Shuntella Whitfield written June 22,2010 as a morning affirmation to family and friends via text.

As I am peeling back these layers of negativity about myself  the question was presented to me as to why I feel the need to be on facebook so much?Why do I need to share so much? What does facebook do for me?

Wow! Those were darn good question! Here is what I sat with and came to terms with.

Why do I feel the need to be on facebook so much?

Well, the surface answer; some of it is because I am bored. My kids are getting older and have friends they would rather talk to or hang out with so I just get on facebook. I am an open person and I like to share things with people. I want to keep in contact with my friends and family and share with and in what is going on in our lives.I greatly do enjoy seeing and sharing family pictures and accomplishments of my family and friends it keeps me close to them.

The dig deeper answer: 
Because I have a low self esteem. Plain and simple. I feel like my family and friends are doing better than I am so I subconsciously get on to live vicariously through them. To see how I measure up. I want to see if I'm really as big of a disappointment as I think I am compared to my peers.

Why do I need to share so much?

 I want confirmation from my peers that I am doing well. It is like being a little kid seeking your parents approval for doing something good. "See ya'll! See what I did? Did I do good? Huh? Did I?" and waiting for the number of likes to go up and feeling a great disappointment when they don't. Wondering why? How or what did I or not do to get this outcome? Crazy, I know but this is my thought process. To take it a little further, I get to the point where I look to see if the person(s) I admire the most have liked my status(Not going to mention their names). Then, there is a GREAT excitement when you see them actually LIKE my status. I literally jump for joy sometimes or get tremendously overjoyed on the inside. I swear to God this is the truth. I feel so proud. It's like that instant gratification that I am did something right. "They like it! They really, really like it!". This all is rooted in childhood issues of needing to be accepted.

Another reason is to say,"See I'm not a f@&* up!" a "Ah ha in your face!" kinda deal. For those who have laughed and talked behind my back this is the moment I can shine and PROVE I am the S@!#! Look at me now! You thought I was going to fail but I didn't! At these moments I don't really care about the likes because it wasn't about seeking approval it was/is about saying "I got the last laugh. Now go run tell that!"

Once I got to the point where my self esteem became a little bit stronger the post/sharing became more about empowering others. I made it this far let me stretch my hand to you and help you up. I don't care about the likes now. It is about putting the information and lessons out there to inspire or help someone who doesn't have the voice to speak out. The person who is hurting and doesn't see a way out. I want to use this particular social media to say,"There is a way out of the dark. Let me show you." It isn't going to be without pain but it can be done!


What does Facebook do for me?

It is my shadow feeder. After taking a little break from facebook and reflecting on these questions, facebook just feeds my shadows and demons. It is my outside stimulation to feel good about myself.  When the truth of the matter is I should feel good about myself regardless of what people think of me! Either way it goes somebody, somewhere will have something to say about me whether it is good or bad. Yes, I prefer it to be all good, who doesn't? But let's be honest here there is ALWAYS a hater ready to throw 2 billion pounds of salt in your game! The thing is I need to find that balance between being humble and confident and not needing other people eyes to see how wonderful I am! This is the part I am working on real hard Learning to Love me Inside and Out!

I share this stuff in a blog not to seek approval,but to help someone else. I have come to experience that there are a lot of people like me but either they are in denial about it, they feel alone or they don't have anyone to talk to about what they are feeling. Well hell I will do it for you! It is what it is! If I can put myself out there in order to help someone else then I will! Because guess what? that is the type of person I am! If I eat, you eat! If I have, you have. What is the point of growing and learning and then keeping all this growth to yourself?!

There are a lot of Facebook stalkers. The ones that go to personal pages just to see what people are doing and saying so they can have conversation at the water cooler at work because they don't have a life. Good! Run tell this! I am putting my own s#@$ on blast. It isn't to appease you and could care less to whom you call or text about this blog and the contents therein. This is about ME healing me and not allowing my demons to be feed anymore. I want them to starve and die! In the process of my own healing I am helping kill someone elses demons. Hell, I just may be assisting in healing yours! :-) and that's cool too!

So, with all that being said feel free to delete me if this offended you. Feel free to never like another status post ever again. It's cool. I am beautiful. I matter to me. I am worthy of love. I AM LOVE! with or without facebook.

Yesterday's workout:

Treadmill:
Level 4
Leg shaper
30 minutes
2.6 miles ran
396 calories burned

Elliptical:
20 minutes
2.5miles
257 calories burned

Lifting:
worked on back