Healing through the Drum

Things are getting worst between he and I. We could days without talking to each other weeks even a month without seeing each other. I soon STOPPED putting our( the kids and my) life on hold to accommodate his when he wasn't for us. So the kids started playing sports and I started slowly enjoying life again. Positive people were coming into my life and helping me find the old Shuntella that had been buried for many,many years now. He didn't really like the fact the that his friends were becoming my friends as well. The fact that I was having conversations without him being around didn't sit well with him. He would constantly ask,"So when did ya'll get so close?", "So how long ya'll been talking?". I had reached a point were I wasn't happy but I STILL was in love with him and determined to make it work, but we called it quits for the one millionth time. We were going to still try to fix this and make it work and we weren't going to see other people,but our title of boyfriend/girlfriend was gone.

In the mean time,I ran into an old middle/high school friend who was apart of "his" circle and we became close again like we were back in the day. We talked about what was going on and how people who KNEW me didn't really care for the Shuntella they saw now. I wasn't smiling, I wasn't glowing, I wasn't laughing like I ALWAYS did. I was emotionally unhealthy. I didn't do any of those things anymore because if I did it would lead to him questioning, Why?, which would lead to "why you laughing with them you don't laugh with me." but he failed to realize he created this atmosphere with between us,serious all time gotta look good when we in public you have to look and act a certain way. If you know me I will cut up in a minute and as friendly as I can be. Hell, I would speak to a stranger in the mall with a simple Hello and a smile and it was "who is that? where you know them from?" Really? Vicky was so surprised by the stuff going on and wanted to help me. So she sent me this email about a Healing Vibration and West African Drumming workshop. Seemed interesting and looking at the photo on the email it was the same lady that approached me at the Sweat lodge that was leading the workshop. Hmmm... I'm in!

I headed over to Southland drive one night to attend this Healing Vibration and Drum workshop not knowing what to expect. Praying Vicky would be there like she said she was going to be so I had my comfort zone. I walked in there are candles and the smell of sage burning. There were four other women there and I felt at peace didn't matter if Vicky came or not I was where God needed me to be EXACTLY at that moment. I will never,never,never,never forget that day as long as my memory will stay strong. This was the first time I sat in mediation and felt so much stuff come up and out I swear it was scary but it felt GOOD,AMAZING,RELEASING.Ya'll I did the ugly,ugly, my momma just died cry!!! My chest hurt from releasing so much that night and the fact that there were these BEAUTIFUL woman there to support me with positive,loving, healing energy blew my mind. I wanted more!

So, I made time in my schedule to start drumming with this AMAZING woman Joan. Every Tuesday night was the highlight of my week! It started with only Vicky and me. But slowly Vicky dropped off. I figured God got her to do what he needed her to do with me and moved her along to something else. I STRONGLY believe everyone is in your life for a reason. Some get to stay for extended period some don't. When they have done their part and you have learned what they were there to teach they move on. So then came these other amazing women that are STILL there on Tuesday night with me today. They consisted of a ballet/modern dance instructor in her late 40's, A massage therapist in her late 40's, A teacher/artist/realtor/free spirit woman in her late 40's. Later came another teacher/poet in her 40's, a teacher and artist in woman studies in her 60's and a government worker/singer,lover of Egypt in her 40's and me a 30year old single mother of two!. Some have left the Tuesday night group so only five of us remain, but let me tell you this, EACH one of these women are parts of me inside. What do I mean? When I was little I wanted to be a choreographer, I'm free spirited and wanted to be a teacher (English was my major), and the healing of people and making them feel good has always been there. I write poetry, I sing and I love art. I LOVE,LOVE,LOVE these women !!!! We began to share and heal our lives every Tuesday night. We grew as individuals and as sisters. Tuesday night with Joan became SCARED! Don't plan anything on Tuesday cause I WON'T be there!!!

Joan allowing the Ancestors to guide her has touched my life in ways I can't even explain in words. Through the drum(djembe) I began to heal ALL this mess and self esteem issues and love and feeling of unworthiness of blessings in my life. Before our hands touch the drum we talk,we mediate and focus the energy that needs to be dealt with all while listening to the rhythm of the DoonDoon(West African drum). I have been drumming with Joan now for five year! Even was asked to join her group Scared Sisters of the Drum. This is where my transition into womanhood began! Joan is working with me and enlightened me and helped me see me with my own eyes not with someone else's eyes that I am beautiful, I am funny, I am joy, I am love, I am loved, I am a Goddess. I'm growing stronger spiritually,mentally and physically everyday. Joan encouraged me to step outside my box, my comfort zone. She got me to sing in front of people I didn't even know and it felt GREAT! The poet of the group encouraged me to read my poetry in front of people on a Tuesday evening after drum practice at Poetry In Motion(then held at Mia's)

Reading At Poetry In Motion

They even came to support me. He came too but was late,even though he knew I was going to do this that day ahead of time. He decided to go get a hair cut after he got off work at 5pm knowing the event started at 8pm and he had to drive hour to get here.(typical behavior). Later, after I read a poem about him he said,"He didn't know me anymore. It was good the growth he was seeing but he didn't recognize me anymore." I was growing right before his eye.


I wasn't sure how my mother was going to react to all this because she is heavy into the Baptist church and anything else is of the devil! So, I started to grow my dreadlocks in 2007. Mom didn't understand it but accepted it with her"your hair looks like you have little turds all over it."jokes. Then when I started to go to Sweat lodges(Native American Spiritual tradition of cleansing) she really was like are, "you joining a cult!" "No mother it isn't a cult these a merely different religious traditions that I am embracing and it's healing me."My brothers thought I was loosing it and cracked jokes but it was all good. I was healthy enough now to laugh and be secure in who I was to not allow it to effect me. Before, I would've cried and stopped embracing what made me happy to please others. and substituted my happiness with food.


In 2009, Joan decided to get all her drum classes(Tuesday and Saturday) together and have a drum share at one of her students home.So, I invited my mother and sister-in-law, and my kids to my first drum share. My mother LOVED IT!!! Mom even bought me my own djembe! My children loved it, my sister-in-law enjoyed it still something to get used to for her at this point but they embraced it with open arms and hearts and that just took me to the next level.

Mom participating in the drum share

The djembe my mother bought for me.

First Drum Share with all Joan's classes

Through all this Joan and the women I drum with on Tuesdays showed me what LOVE is! They taught me what LOVE is! They let me FEEL WHAT LOVE IS!!!!!!!!! and I realized what I had with him wasn't love. It was unhealthy and it hurt. I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU LOVE DOESN'T HURT!!! LOVE DOESN'T HURT! LIFE ISN'T A BITCH.  Life is the journey of lessons once you learn them you move on. You don't get the lesson it will KEEP coming back til you do! Life isn't fucking you, you are! Stop for a minute and look and see what's going on and change it! Watch you begin to move forward. I remember when I felt LOVE in it's purest,unconditional state I absorbed it so that I would NEVER forget this feeling. Once I got it, after 8yrs I walked away from him. He wasn't ALL at fault we both had our issues with one another. He felt as if I emasculated him, I wasn't supportive of his needs and wants, and  he wanted his own children that I couldn't give him because my tubes were tied. I love him dearly and always will, but I do it from a distance. I am BLESSED to have my time with him. I learned so much and met the most Awesome people,gained some wonderful friends and learned valuable lessons in self,love and life. Without him I wouldn't have made it to this point in my life and my kids lives were blessed as well. I had to love me more than him and I have to teach my children this isn't healthy and it's ok to walk away and be happy. Your happiness matters.
I'm 232pounds wearing a 18-20women's it's time to bring the healing from the inside to the outside!