I Ain't Who You Think I Am.

" If I didn't define myself for myself I would be crushed into other peoples fantasies of me and eaten alive." ~ Audre Lorde

Today has been a day of feeling inadequate to say the least. It started off pretty normal. Getting up getting dressed for work "thinking" I looked good and cute in my cream colored turtle neck sweater with my brown pencil skirt and brown knee high boots. But the moment. The very moment I step outside the thoughts come as they often do. Can people see my stomach? Do my thighs shake when I walk? My face looks fat. Do I look fat in this outfit? You're ugly. You're fat. No one wants you. The struggle is REAL.

Most people THINK I am so confident. Nope not really. I literally talk myself up and hide behind the smile and making people laugh. If you asked me to get naked-I would gladly, but I would let you know as I undressed all about my flaws. "Ok? But do know I have stretch marks. And cellulite. I have a stomach as well. There is skin that hangs loose under my arms. And my thighs touch.I don't have perky breast.I have 2 C-Section scars and a pacemaker scar. Oh! and back fat and my left ear has what's called cauliflower ear." I want to make you aware because I don't want you to be disappointed by what you see. I honestly don't want you to have high expectations of me and I not meet those expectations. I want to expose all my imperfections before you can notice them yourself. Crazy I know.  I believe therapist call this the Imposter Syndrome. The imposter syndrome is defined as; a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. Imposters suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feeling of success or external proof of their competence. What does that mean? It means yes I know I lost weight. Yes I know I have kept the majority of it off . No matter how much I lose or tone it won't be enough. I feel like I can do better. I can pull off a successful event but I can tell you all the things I could do better and I feel like people think I could have done better despite them saying otherwise. This happens in many areas of my life, not just weight loss.

Consequently so even with the death of my mother. People can tell me all day everyday how well I did with taking care of her all those years. I feel I could have done better. I could have done more. How much more? I don't know! Maybe not get so irritated at times. Been around even more.Listened more. I don't know. All I know is that inside I feel like the world sees something that I feel I am not. I'm not a wonderful daughter, sister or friend. I honestly feel like I am an imposter. Yes. I am very open and transparent about a lot of things, more than likely too many things at times, but I feel like I have to expose my flaws so that you see me. You see that I am not who you think I am. I don't want to disappoint you or make you think I am more than I am.  In my head I can say I am a good person but I will follow it with.. BUT... I am not sure how I became this way but I have my theories. One being my mother used to tell me all the time how gullible I was and that I needed to stop letting people run over me. To me, I wasn't being gullible I was doing what felt right and good in my heart and spirit,but most people take advantage of that. And that mad Myrtle fighting mad. "Why do you let people treat you like that Shuntella? Can't you see they aren't treating you right?" Honestly, I couldn't see it and often don't most times until I really get my feelings hurt. Maybe because deep down I feel like somehow I deserve it because gullible people are stupid people, so you deserve to get your feelings hurt. I am fully aware that is an untrue statement and no one deserves to be mistreated but how else can you explain it? My beloved mentor once enlightened me when I turned 30 and said, " You are not gullible Shuntella. You do things with pure and positive intent. If others choose to misuse your intentions that is on them not you. You can never be gullible if your intentions are pure." Never a truer statement has been made,but 13 years later it's just as hard to take in and change my thoughts.

Changing old habits and your thought process is THE HARDEST thing to do. When talking to one of my best friends I told her about how a man had paid me a compliment about my body and how after the compliment was made I immediately started sharing my flaws and why I wasn't nicely built like the person thought. She asked me why. "Why do you do that Shuntella? Why? You are a beautiful person inside and out just take the compliment and say thank you and let that be that." I wish I could. I know I should but I can't most times. Once you see for real what I look like you won't like me. You will run away. I am sure of it. I guess it's some kind of defense mechanism to avoid being hurt and hearing she's cute but... In the back of my mind I see my spiritual mother lovingly looking at me,tilting her head, raising her eyebrows and sweetly saying,"And what else is this about Shuntella?" Ugh! It's about a learned behavior of being humble and not praising yourself. I was taught to be humble and don't let compliments give you a big head." As well as if you did something good you don't praise yourself that's being conceded. And" God doesn't like you being vain and bragging on yourself." So I mastered deflecting. "Thank you. But I ain't all that and here is why." If ever a compliment was made to me in my house it was often followed by a but. You did good BUT... That was good BUT why did you do xyz? You look cute in that BUT... Do you have any idea how that has affected me? I do. I can't take a compliment now.I question your intent behind the compliment. Are you making fun of me because I am gullible enough to think you really mean it? I wait for the but and if there is no but I will give you one because I know you saw the flaw. I know I wasn't and can't be good enough that you can't find something that could be better. You are just playing nice and not saying it. So let me say it for you. That was good BUT... Yes. I can quickly tell others there is no but when others do it. That is because I know how this turmoil feels and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to ever endure this. Over the past couple of years I have gotten better and make every effort to practice what I preach, but it is a battle.

This battle has allowed me to learn and affirm to love myself where I am. To be consciously aware of what I am doing and why I am doing it. To assure myself where I am and set goals for where I want to be and can be because I am good enough if I get out of my own way. To redefine me. To redefine my beauty and be able to just say, "Thank you." when a compliment is given and shut my mouth. There is no but. It is what it is. Constantly affirming to myself I am who I say I am. And if by chance I fail at something it's ok. Most people won't see you as an imposter because you failed they will see you as a person who tried and it just didn't work out-this time. I am Shuntella unapologetically. I am beautifully made. I have worked hard to get here and stay here. I ain't who you think I am. I am who I say I am. Who I am learning to be without other peoples opinions of me and who I should be.
I Am...
Beautiful
Determined
A Dancing Spirit
Music Lover
A Goddess
Healing from the inside out
Fully assembled with batteries included
Whole
Enough
A Divine woman
Love
Joyful
Going for everything the Universe has for me
Delightful
Healthy
A Phenomenal Woman

And I don't need your eyes to see me or to define me.

Change: 6 months later

Dear Momma,

May 30th will mark 6 months since you have been gone. I am... well you know. 
I started to paint the house and was all excited about it, but then it hit me. The change. For over 20 year my brothers and I and your grandchildren,all we have known are mint green walls(green was your favorite color because you said God loved green). Kira made a statement that pierced my heart. She said,
" Painting the walls is making this really real. Green walls are all I have ever known. She's really gone." We both shed tears. She went on to get ready for prom and I went back to painting. By Monday I was damn near paralyzed with grief. I literally had to pep talk myself out of bed,
" Come on Shuntella you gotta get up. You have bills to pay. You can't afford to lose your job. Get up. Come on. You can do this. Just make it through the day and you can come home and go back to bed." I keep trying to shine a positive light on this change and get in HGTV mode, but if I speak my truth. MY REAL TRUTH! I ain't ok mom. I smile, laugh and joke in public and die at home. Don't let 'em see you cry. Be strong. The Moore way.

Whoever knew such a task could be debilitating. As June 26th- your 78th birthday approaches I wonder what will happen? Now, I try to stay busy to occupy my mind and stay in a positive space. But it's really hard when you really want to climb in bed and be alone, but you really really really really really don't want to be alone. Good news is momma, I haven't backtracked to people who weren't good for me just so I won't be alone. Not even for a night!!! This to shall pass I tell myself. It will hurt worse going backward in the long run than it does now. I have mastered calling on you and my enlightened Ancestors for support. Some nights I pull through like a CHAMP, others,not so much. Change is hard momma. Life without you is very different. The kids are growing up and doing their own thing and this is the FIRST time in my adult life I am alone. Like, I went from your house to my husband's house, back to your house with a 1 year old and pregnant after we separated. Then,to my own house with two kids when we divorced, then back to take care of you with two teenagers. Now you're gone. The kids stay gone and it's just...me and King. Lol. See King came for a reason. The Universe knew I needed him! Gotta laugh. It's the only way I stay sane. I don't do well when my scales are tipped(it's a Libra thing). I like my life to be as balanced as possible. And it's been turned upside down. The shift that is happening is honesty liberating and almost debilitating if I allow myself to journey down that dark path.

I promised you I would keep an eye on your boys. They are ok. I ain't killed one yet! Lol. Vincent carries around your obituary in his pocket. He is still in the same clothes from your funeral. Not sure why he won't change them even though he washes them and has other clothes. He still keeps saying"he thought he would go before you". I told him God knew you wouldn't be able to handle it so he took you first. He said he thinks about you everyday. Terral is good too. He hit some rough patches as well but he's ok. They are both ok. We are going to be ok. I am going to be ok. Just takes time and me writing while I cry. I know most feel like I share too much but it's my outlet. What else am I going to do? People get uncomfortable when I start to talk about you. Like, mom you can feel the energy shift so quickly. And it's not that I am even speaking about you in a sad manner, just me sharing a story or memory and people tense up real quick and get quiet or give that half awkward smile. My favorite is that quick change of subject. So, I try not to talk too much about you. Which makes me bottle everything up inside until moments like this where I cry and write. Write and cry. This is how I am choosing to grieve all while trying not to eat and drink myself do death!

I love you momma. Talk to you later.

Love,

Pooh-Pooh

My nephew Quinton and brother Vincent

                              20 years. Change. Mint Green to Tan

Death and An Emotional Eater

November 18,2018 my mom kept complaining that she needed to go to the hospital because she "just knew something wasn't right." I angrily got her dressed and headed to the car to take her to the hospital. I just knew this was going to be another pointless trip to the hospital.  She kept complaining that she couldn't get in the car so I called the ambulance. When I arrived to the hospital her blood pressure was 201/134! But she was mom. Laughing, cracking jokes, sleeping and wanting something to eat. They decided they were going to keep her breathing,"just wasn't right." To us her breathing was always like that it was "normal".  What was supposed to be a one night stay turned in the ER Observation Unit turned in two, then three then, we can't seem to get her breathing under control we are going to move her upstairs.

November 21,2018 I get a call from my mom's nurse practitioner while I am at work. I believe the time was between 1:30-2 pm. She says, "Shuntella, we really need to have the discussion about placing your mother in Hospice care. We have tried all kinds of medicines(she list them name by name), but nothing is working. I know this is hard to take in but she just isn't getting better sweetie. We don't just offer Hospice care just for the sake of offering. Generally, when we suggest Hospice there is a 6 month to 1 year life expectancy. Blah blah blah blah blah." That's how I remember the rest of the conversation. I remember walking over to my dear friend at work and I began to cry. I couldn't believe this was happening. I thought I was prepared for this moment but NOTHING absolutely NOTHING prepares you for this. My friend offered to drive me to the hospital but I declined the offer because I had to pull myself together and handle this. WRONG! I made it maybe a mile or two down Richmond road and had to call one of my best friends to come and get me. My first moment in vulnerability. I couldn't do this simple task of driving to the hospital to see my dying mother. Who was going to get the kids? how was I going to tell the kids? I have to call the family. Who do I call first? How do I tell them? Should I wait until after I speak to the Hospice people? Hospice? Bluegrass Care Navigators? Death? She is leaving me? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!!!

True to my nature I suck it up. I don't have time for this crying shit. Shit needs to be taken care of so suck it sweetie and let's handle this shit. My best friend and I get the kids. I tell them on our way to the hospital. I call my brother who is out of town and tell him to come home. I call my Aunt, she offers to call the rest of the family. I call my cousin who lives in Florida and tell her to prepare herself to take a flight to Lexington.

November 22,2018 Thanksgiving. She was in good spirits kept talking about my Aunt Henrietta's banana pudding and how she always cooked. My brother came home.

November 23,2018 we prepared my mom's room for her to come home. She wanted to come home. Hospice was coming with her hospital bed tomorrow. She told them she wanted a hospital bed. They(Hospice Representatives and her Nurse Practitioner) had discussed Hospice care with my mom. She asked if she was dying. The NP's response was,"Let' just say your body is getting tired Myrtle and we just want to make you as comfortable as possible." She smiled and said," That's ok, I know Jesus and he loves me. I just have to learn to love myself."

.
November 24,2018 The bed, oxygen tanks arrive. I go shopping for bed sheets to fit the mattress. I don't want white sheets feels and looks like death. I chose a pretty blue pattern and a white and grey in a similar pattern.

Kira and I pick her up from the hospital.I ride in the backseat. We stop at Rally's to get Devin something to eat. Mom looks out the window and ask, " Are we on Georgetown Street?" Yes ma'am.
"Mr. Lenoard's house used to be right there. It's gone now. Wonder why they tore it down?" Mr. Lenoard is my mother's foster father and where she grew up. I smiled because she remembered and she ALWAYS said the same exact thing every time we came down Georgetown Street and passed where his house used to be, (there is a new house built there now.")

We get her home and to her room. The first thing she says is,"That's not my bed." We all laugh. "Yes mom we know it's not your bed. Remember you told them you wanted a hospital bed?" She says hmmm... and that was the beginning of a very long night.

She was very uncomfortable. Tossing and turning in the bed. She was having a really hard time breathing and I didn't know what to do. Finally at 8 pm the Hospice nurse comes. I laugh here now because she was coming to do paperwork and she and I both were unprepared for the events that happened next. Mom really became anxious. The nurse called the on call doctor and they upped her dose of meds to keep her comfortable. Mom's breathes became shallow. I distinctly remember the nurse looking at me like she didn't know how to tell me what was about to happen or quickly happening. I looked at her and asked,"Should I call people to come?" Yes.

That night I didn't sleep. People were coming all the way up until 4 am. To pay their respects and see Aunt Myrt, Cousin Myrt, Mrs. Myrtle one last time.

My Aunt Lolo sat at her side and sang to her. I tired to sleep.

November 25,2018:

She's still alive. In and out of coherence. Often agitated. I was diligent with keeping her comfortable and medicated. I used her little writing tablet she kept by her bed. I kept it and a pencil at the foot of the bed on a food tray that Hospice provided. The social worker came and saw mom so uncomfortable she sprung into action. She was on the phone so quick and making things happen so fast I didn't know what to do. By the time she left we had meds being delivered, a CNA coming 2 times a week to bathe her and mom's oxygen turned up to 8(typically 5 is as high as you can or should go) to help her breathe. I wanted to cry,but I am not one to allow people I don't know see me crack.

I had been schooled as to how the days may unfold by different folk. One being the "Hospice Rally".It's when your loved one appears to be getting better they are eating, talking and just having a good time. An indication the end is near. I watched and waited. I took video. I climbed in the bed with my momma. I kissed my momma. I sung with my momma. I had never done that before. I stayed by my momma's side. I didn't want her to die alone. She always said she didn't want to die alone. And if you know me, you KNOW MY MOMMA WASN'T GOING TO DIE ALONE ON MY WATCH.

November 26,2018:

Her Hospice Rally Day

November 27,2018:
The days before were people in and out still to visit with mom. She got to eat all her favorite food. My Aunt Henrietta's banana pudding that momma had been asking for, chicken and dumplings, her Sprite and Ginger Ale. Just before going to the hospital my Aunt Henrietta had made my mom some liver and rice. She had called Aunt Henrietta to inform her that "She had made THE BEST Liver she had ever had!" All her favorites. The banana pudding was and chicken and dumplings were about the only thing I could get her to stay awake and eat by this point.

1pm my cell phone rings. It's my little brother who is in prison and can't come home. The priest has allowed him to call to talk to mom. She is staying incoherent more than coherent. But for a few minutes when she hears, "Hi momma! it's your son Terral momma." Her eyes light up and she smiles. She briefly looks around the room because she can't see him(I tell her he is on the phone) and says,"Hi Terral." He quickly tells her he loves her and he is sorry for all he has done and that he can't be there now for her. She fades away. My brother is frantically asking if she hears him and asking why isn't she answering him. I try to explain that this is where she is at and she hears him she just can't respond.

She went to sleep and her spirit didn't come back.


November 28,2018:

She is hardly waking up. Her eyes are becoming empty. Her kidneys are shutting down. She is hardly going. No # 2 for a week now. No smiles. No moans unless you moved her. She would take a few ice chips. I had to hold her mouth closed for her to swallow. No more cries for God to help her. No more ,"Pooh-Pooh help me. Pooh-Pooh I love you.You're a good daughter."
Just ever deepening swallow breathes.

November 30,2018:

Her eyes are empty. She isn't moaning even when you move her. She smiled early that day because her last grand-baby came to see her. My little brother's son. He is 3 years old. Without any fear A'mirean is placed on the bed to kiss her and he smiles and kisses her on the cheek. As he stands by her bedside I snap a picture. She takes what is seemingly her last breath. It is just him, my niece(his sister) and myself in the room. I freeze. Oh Shit! Oh Shit! Oh Shit. My niece ask what's wrong. I say,"she stopped breathing. Oh Shit!" I go down the hallway to get my brother Renoard (the 2nd oldest) he runs by her side. She comes back. He picks up her hand and says,"I'm here momma . Me and Pooh-Pooh are here."

Inhale.
She is gone.
5:40 pm

I am a spiritual woman. So I made SURE my momma's journey to the afterlife was done correctly and with love. My sisters came to support and help me. Kira just so happened had taken her next to last final at U of L. So my cousin Quiana went to pick her up. Devin was with a friend so he had to be brought home. Everyone came to say good-bye to my momma. How ironic that the same nurse that came to do paperwork in the beginning was there at the end. She said " I am here for YOU. If I need to tell people to leave then i will. YOU tell me when to call the funeral home and what funeral home to call because it's YOUR CHOICE and I will take care of it. And she did. I will be forever grateful to Hospice.

The Days After:

The days to follow are slowly coming back to me as to the events that took place. I really didn't have time to grieve. There was so much to be done, people coming by, the roof was getting fixed. It was a lot. It's not the death that is hard. It's the paperwork, the decisions, people's opinions of how you should do things. Like UGH!!!

My eating consisted of sweets and alcohol. I was determined to "drink until this shit was funny." Literally that's what I said and meant.
It was full of wonderful memories and family and friends that I hadn't seen in some time. But it was also lonely. I couldn't dance. There was no music in the house. She wasn't waking me up with church music at 3 am. She wasn't singing. She wasn't here. I thought I was ready, but I was so far from ready.

For a person who grits her teeth and smiles when she is in absolute pain. It was difficult to do. I had it all together. "No worries."  My favorite phrase. I can't sleep through the night(it's better now but I have my sleepless nights still). Worrying about how everyone else is doing. I drink to sleep. But I can't keep drinking like this because my father was an alcoholic. DAMN! How am I supposed to cope? Fudge rounds, candy, Cool Ranch Doritos, Pound Cake and Cheesecake that's how. Oh and glasses of wine.

I didn't officially "break down" until December 21st. I remember because I was listening to Christmas music at work and that ain't me. Not a huge fan of the holidays, Christmas especially(but that's a whole other blog), but it was my momma's favorite. She literally woke up Christmas morning and shouted," HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS." I found myself crying at work. I couldn't stop. I kept running to the bathroom to get my shit together. It wasn't working. When I got home finally at 6 pm, I cried until Saturday morning. I didn't answer the phone, I didn't return text messages. I didn't talk to my children. I just cried. My chest hurt. My eyes hurt. I couldn't breathe but dammit it felt good. To release. To mourn my momma. To not put on a brave face. To not hear people say," it's going to be ok. Don't cry." I cried. I allowed myself to be vulnerable for me. I allowed this scared little girl to not be ok. That is a huge feat for me. HUGE!

Present:

I have my moments when my energy is solemn and I don't know why and I just can't seem to make a shift in it. So, I let it be and experience it for what it is. I still eat the junk. But I am more aware of doing it now and address the feelings and emotions associated with it. Let me tell ya, that shit hurts!!! Cause it isn't always about my momma being gone. Her being gone is the surface issue, but it's the mess I keep digging at that gets me. What is this about? And what is that about? Now what is this really about? And how did this make you feel Shuntella? And what is that really about? (Inside joke for my SFM sisters). But that is what I do. I am grateful to have learned how to deal with my shit and heal. Learning that helped heal my momma's womb, my womb, my daughters and future wombs to come in my family. I did the work momma for US. I wanted to heal us. I learned to LOVE me and you learned to LOVE YOU before you transitioned. Kira, Devin and I watched it. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. Kira and Devin formed relationships with you that me and my brothers never really had with you. Only because you were a young single mother of 6. You HAD to handle your business and keep us on the straight and narrow as much as you could. You STAYED PRAYED UP!

It's rough on all of us here in the house especially because we had been with her. I have taken care of my momma for at least 18 years. I saw parts of my momma no child wants to see. I feed her. I bathed her. When she became incontinent I cleaned her. Combed her hair. Dressed her. Took her to doctors appointments.Fought with her. LOVED her with everything in me. I was blessed to hear her tell me she was proud of me. That's all I needed to hear.

The music is back in the house. At any given moment from any 3 rooms in this house someone is playing music or singing. We start and end the day with it. Momma wouldn't have it any other way.

Keep praying for us. Don't stop asking if I'm ok. One day I will tell the truth and say, "No. I'm not ok and cry." And that's ok. I don't have to be strong all the time, but I will be cautious about who I share my vulnerability too.

Self-Care IS the Best Care

When I was growing up, my mother "taught" me that going to get your hair done, getting yours nails done and pedicures were a "waste of money". Heck, even shaving was a waste of time. Now, I realized that it was her way of saying we couldn't afford to do those things.  The older I got and the more women I came in contact with I started to learn that these things aren't as expensive as I was taught and most can been done yourself. To some people, a woman or man that goes to get his/her nails and toes done and eyebrows and body waxed are high maintenance. But in reality, it's not. It is, in my opinion, a person that is simply loving themselves FIRST!

There is the old saying,"when momma's not happy, no one is happy." And that's true for anyone not just momma.  How can a person who is not happy themselves make others happy or even enjoy others happiness? You MUST love yourself FIRST in order to truly love anyone else.  With that, I have learned that when you take time for you, life is a lot better. To step out of your reality for just moment to RECOUP and REJUVENATE does wonders. Take that time to do things that bring you joy. Whether it be pampering yourself with manicures and pedicures, spending the night at a hotel, hiking, getting a massage,going to see a movie, treat yourself to dinner, whatever it takes to help you refocus, regroup and be happy! I encourage you to put ME TIME in your calendar of events and budget at least once a month. If you can afford to do it more often, DO IT! Trust me, me time is awesome!

I don't think I can say it enough, when I say that, loving you FIRST is perfectly healthy! Self care does wonders for you and those around you.

Rejuvenate

Wow! It's been a mighty long time since I have blogged. A lot has been happening and caused a great shift in my life. Mostly for the good. I am hitting some bumps along the way. But thankfully I have been blessed to have learned how to cope with life's journey. I have learned that even though I am learning to love myself first, there is a lot that comes along with that than just saying it!  You absolutely MUST pamper yourself.  In order to be of help to others you must take care of yourself FIRST. So every now and then CHECK OUT from your reality. Even if it is for 1 hour to a week or two of doing something that brings you JOY. You are of no good to others or yourself if you are constantly stressed out, depressed, feeling worthless or undeserving of the very best that life has to offer you.  YOU ARE WORTHY! It doesn't have to be some lavish trip, just take a moment at least once a month to do something for you! Whether it be going to the park alone to have lunch or take a walk or sit and be still and connect with nature.  Ladies, go get a medi/pedi, a massage, treat yourself to dinner and a movie.  Let me stop here. That was the hardest thing for me to do is "date" myself. But I have come to find that, if I can't be comfortable with me,myself and I,how can I be good company for a potential mate?! It is weird at first,but DO IT! You learn so much about yourself. What you used to like may not bring you the same joy now. Try new things and go places, you might find something new that brings you happiness that you never knew could or would. Do things alone, you will get used to it and the people around you will admire you because they wish they had the courage to do it to! Men, it is ok for you to love on you as well and go places alone.  Go get a massage,do something you enjoy and that brings you happiness.

Rejuvenate! Rejuvenate! Rejuvenate! This year I turned 40 and made the conscious decision to travel to Jamaica with some of my girlfriends for 5day!!! The BEST decision of my life and surprisingly theirs as well.  See, you never fully understand how much of a break you need until you do it! So, I have made the decision every year for my birthday I will travel somewhere. State side or international. I love on myself once a month with a media/pedi or massage and when my schedule allows hang with people I enjoy being around and we make each other better people. Take some time for yourself to rejuvenate. I promise you won't regret it and the people around you will appreciate you to. Your energy will shift and attitude will change. All for the better!

Day 7 & 8 of Green Smoothie Cleanse

Day 7 was Super hard! Why? Because I cooked for my family; pot roast, cabbage, roasted potatoes, and cresent rolls! Yes lordt the struggle was REAL!! Unfortunely, I gave way to temptation :-(. I ate a few roasted potatoes and not one, but TWO rolls! I must admit it tasted soooo good, but yet I felt so bad. I felt bad enough to come and confess to my daughter what I had done. On a good note, I got my mom to drink another smoothie!!! She liked the Day 7 smoothie.

Appetite:
Honestly, I am not "hungry", but I am over not being able to eat what I want to eat.  I just want a piece of grilled chicken or salmon!

Energy Level:
Off the charts! I have soooo much energy and feel absoultely GREAT! It's crazy how I used to get up in the morning very sluggish, and sleepy. Now when the alarm clock goes off I am up and at it and STAY alert all day. Even my mind is clearer. I am able to think things through and when things do go well I am not quick to anger or be frustrated. I am fairly calm and think of a more postive, helpful response.

Sleep:
For the most part it has been A-MAZ-ING! Last night, I kept waking up every few hours like I used to do. It may have something to do with that forbidden food I ate :-(.

Taste:
The taste of  Day 7 Pineapple Berry was good! I do not use stevia in my smoothies because I am not a fan of it. So for the most part I don't use anything, although on the ones that call for kale I do use honey.


Day 8: Spinach Kale Berry
Boy-o-boy! I should not have eaten that food. I couldn't sleep last night and when I got up, my body let me know quick-fast-and in a hurry that it did not appreciate what I had done. I had a headache, I had diarrhea and my stomach hurt. Bet I won't do that mess again EVER! Needless to say I was back on track this morning.

Appetite:
Still non-existent. But I continue to snack every two hours and drink my 3 smoothies a day

Taste:
Didn't really care for this one but I drunk it.

Energy Level:
Is still on 100! I feel great and looking a little slimmer!

Day 6: GSC

Wooo hoooo!! Day 6 and holding very STRONG. I am already planning my NEXT 10-day cleanse.

Pineapple Spinach

APPETITE:
Umm...I really still don't have an appetite.  I don't allow myself to get hungry. I eat when the alarm clock says eat! lol

SLEEP:
AWESOME!!!! I wake up energized and ready to take on the day with a smile on my face!


ENERY LEVEL:
It is great! I workout just as fine, if not better than before! Although, after the workout it takes a while for me to come down and relax. But I guess that is'nt too bad.


TASTE:
ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!! On a scale of 1-10 I give this one a 20!!! Here is just how good it is.  Each day I ask my mother to taste each smoothie and each smoothie she says is nasty. Today, I let her taste this one and her words were,"It's still green." she takes a sip and then...another sip! She liked it! She really liked it! She said,"This is the best one yet" and she even drunk the whole 16oz!

and she even thanked me! She thanked me! Ooooo yeah!!!! Bring on Day 7!

DAY 5! of 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse/Weigh In

Day 5 of GSC and I feel Grrrrreat!


Day 5: Berry Peachy



TASTE:
I have to give this one on a scale of 1-10 a 10! I love the taste and consistency of this smoothie. In the last few smoothies I have not used a sweetener. I am not a fan of stevia so I used honey in one. Although, the last 3 smoothies I have used NOTHING. This one was a little more liquefied than the others-the others were more thicker.

APPETITE:
About the same as yesterday. Not very hungry, but what I have done is set the alarm on my phone to go off every two hours so I can keep my metabolism up. I snack on carrots, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, almonds & raisins, peanuts, apples and bananas.  I am drinking four 16.9oz bottles of water a day.

HOW MY BODY FEELS:
My body feels very energized and healthy! I LOVE this feeling. I have energy, my taste buds have changed, the taste of my fruits and vegetables seem more vibrant-if that makes sense. Even my nails are stronger! I am still sleeping very well( a little too well sometimes, I have overslept for work). :-). I feel light, my mood is pleasant and happier, and mind clear.

With this being day 5 and we are half way through I weighed in this morning! Drum roll please!...

 

 

Why yes, you are reading this correctly that is 6 pounds I have loss in just 5 days! I am soooo happy and excited! Bring on the next 5 days!



Day 4 : Green Smoothie Cleanse

Well... Good ol'day 4!


Day 4: Berry Peachy

TASTE OF SMOOTHIE:
I must honestly say I did not particularly care for this smoothie. I believe that it has something to do with it have the berry mix, which contains rasberries and rasberries have seeds, so I was spitting out the seeds the whole time. The taste was something to be desired. On a scale of 1-10, I give this one a 3.

APPETITE:
I don't have much of an appetite, although today I made the mistake of thinking I could come home and get a snack. I had a smoothie at my schduled time of 11am, but I got busy and didn't get back home. So all I had with me where 6 baby carrots and 4 cucumbers. By 3 o'clock I was starving! I managed to get some peanuts around 5pm.

 ENERGY LEVEL:
My energy has been very good.

SLEEP:
Oh My God! Sleep has been amazing! I wake up in the morning without a problem, ready to start the day. I stay awake and alert all day.

HOW MY BODY IS FEELING:
My body has been feeling good. I have noticed that my sense of smell has intensified. My brother cooked pork smoked sausage the other day and the smell bout made me vomit. Yesterday, I was craving brussel sprouts. And I fixed some and they tasted A-MAZ-ING!
At times I get a little nauseated. Not sure what is causing this, but it usually doesn't last long.

Tomorrow is Day 5 and weigh in. Can't wait!

Day 3: 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse

Well... I am doing this a little backwards, but I decided to do a blog about this 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse I have joined a group of people doing.

So, the whole point of this cleanse is to detox your body from all the mess we put into our body and start your body to crave healthy foods.In the process you can possibly lose any where from 10-15pounds. The cleanse is 10 days of smoothies (3 a day), fruits, vegetables, water and tea. NO sugar, bread or meat for 10 whole days!

Backing all the way up to Day 1. I was super excited to get started. I went out bought all the ingredients I needed for the first 5 days (shopping list and recipes are included in the book). Came home that night and made my 3 smoothies for the day-I make mine the night before so that I can stay on track. I also prepped my veggies and nuts to snack on.



Day 1: Berry Green

I did pretty well on Day 1. I only had a very slight headache and was EXTRA sleepy. 

Day 2: Apple Strawberry (sorry no photo taken). Went well. Not very hungry, I didn't particulary care for the taste of this one, to me it was kindof  bland. But I was super ready for day 3!

So, here we are on Day 3. I feel GREAT! I wasn't very hungry but I drank my smoothie and ate 2 hard boiled eggs.  I am sleeping very well! and I have more energy! BRING ON DAY 4!

Oh! I almost forgot I weighed myself of course on Day 1 and I topped the scale at 183.6.
My measurements:
Waist: 37
Bust: 38
Hips: 40 1/2

I will weigh again at the end of the week.





A Difference A Year Makes.

So, I took the picture on the left last year and the picture on the right this year. I have picked  some weight huh? How about 15pounds! It's the same size 8 dress that zippens in the back(it zipped without any problems and as you can see didn't squeeze into it). I am currently weighing in at 178 pound. I was around 160 something in the other picture.

How do I feel about seeing these photos side by side? At first, I was hurt,disappointed in myself and I felt F-A-T. My initial thought was,"Oh my God I'm getting fat again. I have fallen off.  Oh I bet some people are seriously enjoying this." But, I had to let that all go. I am a curvey,beautiful,intelligent,happy,healthy woman!  I love my thick thighs,little butt and curvey body. I could do without the stomach though! The good news about my stomach is, my stomach and thighs have broken up! What does that mean? It means, while standing my stomach NO LONGER touches my thighs! New goal is to have that happen while I am sitting! :-).

The weight loss journey is not an easy journey by any means. It is very easy to fall off and gain the weight loss plus some back. This is why the journey MUST be a lifestyle change. The change that happened in my life of working two jobs and being a mom has kindof hindered me from going to the gym everyday like I used to. Although, I am teaching Zumba 4days a week which is my cardio workout, but I miss running and lifting weights
I have had to rely on my eating to sustain my weight. Weight loss and maintaining your weight is 80% of what you eat and exercise is 20% of your lifestyle change.

I LOVE the body I am in and will continue to love and cherish it. I have promised myself to NEVER reach 232pounds ever again. So, I will continue to eat healthy and exercise because I can't afford to buy new clothes!

My Purpose

I am 38 years old and it surprises me that I have just found my purpose in life. To think that fresh out of high school I wanted to be an English teacher just like Ms. M. She was my favorite high school teacher that inspired me to pursue that dream. Sadly, I never accomplished that dream. I did however, enroll in the University of Kentucky as an English major, but later flunked out. I then went on to Eastern Kentucky University to major in Interior Design.  Again, I didn't finish. Although this time I didn't flunk out, I was married and became pregnant with my beautiful daughter Kira.  After that, life happened. After 5years of marriage and two children, I got divorced. I was working and taking care of an ailing mother.

Eventually, I went back to school at Sullivan University-Louisville,Ky.( Yes, I drove back and forth 3-4days a week for 18months). At Sullivan I majored in Baking and Pastry Arts and I FINISHED Cum Laude! I was 31years old. I tried for awhile to bake from home with my little business I called, Sweet As Me Creations. But baking/cake decorating takes up a lot of time that I didn't have as a single mother. So now I have this education and over $26,000 in student loans and I worked in a factory for a total of 15years! Sounds depressing huh? Try living it! I somewhat failed at school, a failed 5year marriage, a failed 9year relationship and I was a factory worker.

Fast forward to now. I am published poet ( Accents-Publishing, Lexington Poetry Month). I graduated college as professional baker, PROUD single mother of two beautiful children. I have successfully kept my weight off for 3years! I am a licensed Zumba instructor. I have been seizure free for 1 year 7 months! and work for Fayette County Public schools. Wow! Talk about winning!

As part of my growth and healing, I started sending each morning affirmations/inspirational text to my family and friends. A few days ago I sent this message:

"Everything that you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for."~unknown

Hmm...how fitting. I had these dreams of doing great things for and with my life,being a teacher, pastry chef, and wife. All in which, in my eyes then I failed at.  As I have grown and healed a lot of things within myself I have come to realize I have not failed at all.  All those events in my past life have prepared me for the life I am moving toward.  I did become a teacher, not only to my children but to the children on my bus. By teaching them about life and guiding them in the right direction. I teach Zumba fitness 3days a weeks. I am a teacher/inspiration that even though you have health issues and life throws you body blows you can stumble, and you will fall, but GET UP! The fight ain't over until the higher power says it's over!  I may not be the best writer and pretty sure my grammar and punctuation is not always correct, but I have managed to write and publish my poetry with Accent publishing blog of Lexington Poetry Month. With my professional baking diploma I can help others and teach them how to bake healthy sweet treats.  At first, to me these were just simply mundane accomplishments, but in reality they are pretty dog-on good accomplishments.  I have had to learn to stop looking at my accomplishments in life as if no one cares and it's nothing to write home about.  If I don't care why would any one else? I have done a lot with the hand that has been dealt. I didn't give up! I kept pressing forward and that speaks volumes if I have to say so myself-and I do!

Consequently, everything that I "believed" I had failed at wasn't a failure at all. It was all in preparation for becoming the woman I am today. A woman who thinks more highly of herself and is understanding she deserves everything she has dreamed and asked for. God said." You have not because you ask not." and the Universe is steadily waiting for me to come grab what is rightfully mine.

I will end this with a conversation I had with my spiritual father. A spiritual father is a man whom is close you like your biological father, you speak with and guides you in your spiritual life. While speaking to my spiritual father one day, he began telling me how proud he was of me, watching me grow from this wounded little girl to this "powerhouse" woman standing before him.(Best words my ears,heart and spirit have ever heard!). I looked at him proudly and said,"Baba, I have finally found my purpose. It took me 38years to find it, but I found it! Health & Fitness brings me so much joy. It isn't work for me, I enjoy it." As he smiled at me he said,

" Listen Shuntella, we are all on this planet searching for our purpose. You have been blessed to find yours. Many leave this earth still searching. Keep walking in your purpose and let God and the ancestors guide you where you need to go and you can't go wrong. You can't go wrong. It's all upward for you now."

Learning to Love Shuntella Inside and Out: Save the Date!

Learning to Love Shuntella Inside and Out: Save the Date!: Hahaha! No I am NOT getting married! Wish I could surprise you guys with that news,but nope! Save the date is for the 2nd Annual Fabulously...

Save the Date!

Hahaha! No I am NOT getting married! Wish I could surprise you guys with that news,but nope!
Save the date is for the 2nd Annual Fabulously Fit ! Yep! We are doing it again this year. Bigger and Better!

WHEN: SATURDAY JANUARY 10,2015
WHERE: THE GENESIS CENTER 4050 Georgetown Rd. Lexington,Ky 40511
TIME: 9 AM-12 NOON
COST: FREE! FREE! FREE!

This years instructors include:
Tara Johnson-Booiakia
Davin Hausley- Butts - Guts
Felicia Walker - Zumba
Belinda Adams - Zumba
Neil Burns and Maureen Graham - Beastmode
And...
DJ ALWAYS on the ones & twos

Also including: Registered Dietitian Yolanda Jackson,MS,RD, LD , Paige Commodore- Community Education Rep at CareSource  and more...

There will be prize giveaways and so much more!

SAVE THE DATE: January 10,2015

One Goal Accomplished!

Wow! Can't believe it has been since christmas that I have posted a blog! Not a lot has happened.
April 2014 I became a licensed Zumba instructor! I can truthfully tell you it was the most exciting day of my life, as I accomplished one of my goals. It was the most exhilarating feeling!  You know, when you set goals for yourself and DO NOT allow ANYONE or ANYTHING stand in your way of reaching that goal. I am proud of myself. To some it is nothing big, but to me it is GREAT!
I attempted to set out another goal by training to compete in the NPC physique divison. Sadly, it didn't work out with the trainer I had. And I will leave it at that! I have NOT given up on this dream. When God and the Universe give guidance that it time for this to happen, I will gladly follow suit! So, I have just continued to workout, eat clean(most of the time!) and enjoy life!

Merry Christmas with a Sincere Smile

You know every year for the past 11 years I have been so depressed come Christmas morning. Either I was depressed because I was all alone with no one to sit up late with to wrap Christmas presents or cuddle up to Christmas morning and watch the kids open their gifts. Or, I was lying in the bed crying because I wasn't able to afford to buy the kids gifts at all or all that they wanted for Christmas.  Christmas hasn't been a very pleasant holiday for me for many years.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR!!!

I started off being a little down that this was year number 11 ALONE. My kids leave every Christmas morning and spend most of the day with their father and his family and I am home all alone. But who cares(shrugs shoulders and smiles). I am happy and healthy. My kids are happy and healthy as well as my family and friends.  Then, I was a little down that I couldn't get all of what my kids wanted but, I just said Thank you Lord for what I AM ABLE to get them!Underneath the Christmas tree won't be empty. I got up this morning and watched my kids open their gifts and smile, they were so happy! They weren't expecting much but they weren't expecting to get what they got either :-)TING! What I love about my kids and my relationship is that I am open and honest with them about things happening in our lives and they are understanding.  Yes, they get a little down because they don't have all of what their friends have but, they are grateful for what I can provide for them. The most AWESOME part is when I step aside and stop worrying and truly hand things over to God, HE PROVIDED!!! Family and friends stepped in to help make things possible for my babies! I am eternally grateful. All morning I have been thanking God for what he has done for us.

This week has been very trying but I didn't lose FAITH. Can you believe it? I didn't lose FAITH! Normally, I would just give up go to my room and cry and ask God why are you doing this to me? What have I done wrong? BUT NOT THIS YEAR! This year I am smiling and dancing in my kitchen floor praising God for what he blessed me with this year and seeing the blessing in the ALL small things! He truly has made a way out of NO WAY this week, month and year for me. I danced in the kitchen while I sung " Can't nobody, do me like Jesus. Can't nobody, do me like the Lord. Can't nobody do me like Jesus cause he's my friend!" Woo THANK YA JESUS!

The BEST Christmas ever started on Friday. I received the news that I was approved to host my dream of Fabulously Fit at the Charles Young Community Center for FREE January 11,2014. Next, I received an unexpected message from a Humana Representative wanting to be a part of the Fabulously Fit event! THANK YOU LORD! Then, I thought I was going to experience some even harder times. I prepared my kids and the house for the worst and guess what? GOD came through ON TIME and all is well! Then, I was down about not too many Christmas gifts under the tree for my kids. But, my family and friends sent things I didn't know were coming and gave without asking anything in return. My kids were blessed any how and I was PROUD for once for what I COULD do and not sad about what I couldn't. My kids were so excited to see me open my gifts from them that they either made for me or bought for me with their own money. They enjoyed seeing me smile on Christmas as much as I did them! They even took pride in buying for each other! My mother is alive and well. She has even managed to lose 25 pounds in four months! All her numbers a GOOD! Doctor is impressed and told her to keep it up and she was even happy and wants to keep losing weight! Last but not least, I was blessed with a second job! That I actually enjoy and it works perfect for my weird schedule. How can I not be happy this Christmas!

Through my studying and wisdom from my spiritual mother, I have found that by me constantly focusing on what I don't have or can't afford and all the other negative stuff,that is what I keep attracting in my life. So, I have been making a very conscious effort to focus on what I DO HAVE and being grateful for what I have been blessed with and more of those blessings have been brought into my life. When I find myself saying I can't afford this or that. I change the thought to," I will get it later just not right now and that is ok." It doesn't make me a failure because I can't run out and buy the things I want or even need. It just means I need to come up with a better way of getting to what I want and need or sitting still and let God bring it to me in due time whichever way he/she decides they want me to receive it. I have even learned that it doesn't make me a failure or weak to ask for help. We all need help sometimes and there are people willing to help when they know you are trying. THANK YOU to ALL of you that have been there for me and my kids! We appreciate you beyond words.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Fabulously Fit " Where Loving Yourself FIRST is perfectly healthy."

Fabulously Fit " Where loving yourself FIRST is perfectly healthy." 

Fabulously Fit is an event to invoke a fun, positive and lasting lifestyle change for the community. To introduce to people the different avenues of fitness workouts that I have used in my weight loss journey. Those avenues being: Aerobics, DAFRI fitness, Zumba and Boot camp. I want to feature and introduce to the community the amazing LOCAL instructors that teach these classes and have inspired me to keep pushing forward!

So what is in store for the community? Six different instructors teaching their classes. Each instructor will have a 20 minute showcase their class. Then, we will have the wonder Neil Burns as guest speaker. Neil is from Richmond, Ky. and has lost over 400 pounds! He will share his story. There will be a photographer on hand to start you off on your before and after photos and Lexington's very own Chris Hudson will be on hand with his Life's Journey clothing line.

The instructors include:
Krisi Sexton - Tai Chi
Felicia Walker- Zumba
Jason Thompson- DAFRI Dance Fitness(DAFRI meaning " Dance Free"
Mark Johnson - Aerobics
Marvin Robinson & Willie Mays - Bootcamp
 AND
Neil Burns - Guest Speaker
Shawn Connor- Connor Photography
Chris Hudson- Life's Journey Clothing
Paige Commodore- Humana Community Health Education


WHEN: January 11,2014
WHERE: Charles Young Community Center
TIME: 10am-12noon
COST: FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!

The back story:
A few months back I was at work and this great idea popped into my head. I was scribbling down my ideas on a piece of paper and took it to my best friend LaToya and asked her what she thought. She said she thought it was a great idea and would really be a hit! Plus, she liked how I was thanking my instructors and giving back to the community. I am the type of person that feels like you can never thank a person too much for what they have done for you. I always keep the mind set that people don't "have" to do anything for you, so when they do you should totally appreciate it, because I meant enough to you for you to do something for me!

Anyway, the idea came that I wanted to put together an event that would say THANK YOU to ALL the instructors that have supported me in my weight loss journey and it would answer the question to many whom have asked, "What did you do to lose the weight?" "Where do you go?", "Who teaches that class?"
I know how it is to want to lose the weight and can not afford the gym memberships each month so you get discouraged. I want to present to the community the LOCAL instructors that have classes that are AFFORDABLE and they are WONDERFUL, CARING, SUPPORTIVE people to help keep you motivated and on the right path and I wanted to do this FOR FREE!
So, I put in a call to a local entrepreneur, CEO and founder of Life's Journey clothing Chris Hudson and asked," How do I make this happen? You started with a dream can you give me advice on how to go about this?" And he did! I am so grateful that he took the time out oh his busy day to give little ole me some direction. THANK YOU Chris!

So once I wrote down my ideas as Chris advised and I kept them close to my heart until I was really ready to act. Things started to shift a bit so I put the idea aside but it kept coming back over and over and over again. Finally, one day I decided OK! this isn't going to leave me alone so God MUST be trying to tell me something! So, I went for it. I started by contacting the instructors and asking if they would volunteer their time and each agreed. I jumped the first hurdle. Then, I needed to put my ideas neatly in a proposal so that I could find a space to have this event. Done! Next, was presenting the proposal. FAIL! I was turned down. I was hurt and said I was going to keep moving and try someone else but in reality I set the proposal aside and kinda gave up. Allowing the negative thoughts to creep in and tell me that my dream would never come to pass. But then I read something that Tyler Perry said,"You can get a thousand no's from people, and only one "yes" from God." God was giving my "yes" with the idea all i needed to do was step out on faith and he would take care of the rest. Sometimes I think God will throw the no's in there to see just how bad you really want it. So, I did a redraft of the proposal and took it somewhere else.

I am so excited to say that on Friday December 20,2013 at 3:22pm I got a voicemail from Debbie Griggs at Charles Young Community Center that said..."YES" OMG! I am so excited my dream is coming true!

I hope to see you there and bring your friends and family with you and start the New Year off right by adapting and living a healthy lifestyle!

Accepting my Curves

" All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't."~
 Marilyn Monroe

Today was a FAB-U-LOUS day for me! Not because I won the lottery or anything. It was because I woke up feeling pretty with a smile on my face ready to take on the day, whatever came my way I was going to greet it with my FMDS, Fabulous Million Dollar Smile! :-)TING!

 As I got dressed to go to work this morning I felt so pretty. I even had my son take a picture of me. On my way to work I had to laugh at myself in the car because I found it truly amazing how adorning my body in basic black and these wonderful accessories had changed my whole attitude about myself for a moment. How I walked with my head up, chest out and eyes with pride. There was a certain rhythmic sway in my walk and I wanted to smile and greet everyone! I can not express how pretty I felt and here it is 7:30pm and I am STILL smiling and feeling pretty.So today I did as my spiritual advisor tells me when I feel this way,I " Bottle up this feeling so when you are feeling down or people aren't on your side you can pull this out and remember how gooood it felt."

There aren't many days I feel this way. I always see the negative in myself and the physical flaws( fat rolls, hanging skin, stretch marks,etc.) but not today! Today, I saw a beautiful young woman. A woman that had a lot to offer to the world. As I drove to work this random thought came across my mind how women compare themselves to other women. In this particular thought, how women compare themselves to the ex's new girl or the one he cheated on them with. What is the first thing women say?,"She ain't even cute! He could've at least upgraded. She don't even look like nothin''. Then, we proceed to critique her hair,clothes, how she talks, walks and acts.  But it dawned on me that the men aren't seeing her that way. No, she may not be as cute as you are or dress as well as you, but it is all in how she carries herself. That confidence is something sexy! Think about it, every woman wants a confident man. A man who KNOWS who he is and what he brings to the table and KNOWS he has the finest woman in town and he has her mind,body and soul so he doesn't have to worry about no other man stealing her away from him! So what does he attract? The woman who is confident, her head is up (but not stuck up), she cares about how she presents herself and carries herself as a lady and she KNOWS what she brings to the table and if you don't like it please feel free to get up from her table so someone else can appreciate what she has to offer. Yes, physical attraction plays a part in all this but the confidence is what draws you in.  She/he can be the most beautiful thing that God created but if they lack that self confidence you tend to turn away from them and then say,"Man she cute and all but that's all she is." Or, "Girl he is fine but he doesn't have that umf to him,you know what I mean?" Their lack of confidence doesn't make you want to get to know them better or even be around them even more.

I have a sister friend that thinks she is the Sh*T! and you can't tell her otherwise. When she walks past a mirror or even a window she watches herself until she can't anymore and then proceeds to walk with her head up and switchin' so hard you would think she is going to throw her hip out! But I LOVE that about her. I always said,"I wish I could have just an ounce of your confidence, I would be one bad woman." She always laughs at me and says,"Ms. Shuntella I don't know why you don't you are a very beautiful woman." But see I don't see what she sees. I see with negative eyes. I see fat rolls, big thighs and back fat. Things I feel that need to be fixed in order for people to see me as pretty. My disillusional eyes.

After playing dress up for this new job I found a new appreciation and acceptance of the body I am in. I realized I will NEVER be model skinny, that's just not in my DNA. I have embraced my thick thighs,big calves and full hips. That is how God made me. BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE my curves. There are women out there that wish they had what I was wishing to get rid of. And there is a man that KNOWS I am the finest woman in town, at least in his eyes and KNOWS what I bring to the table. Why? Because I KNOW I may not be the finest woman in town but I will sho'nuff give the finest a run for her money honey! and what I bring so to the table is God sent and has been worked on and continues to be a work in progress!

Facebook Junkie

"Do you need everyone's eyes just to be seen? Look inside and find that beautiful person. Once you see how beautiful and wonderful you are so will everyone else and you won't need their eyes to see you."~ Shuntella Whitfield written June 22,2010 as a morning affirmation to family and friends via text.

As I am peeling back these layers of negativity about myself  the question was presented to me as to why I feel the need to be on facebook so much?Why do I need to share so much? What does facebook do for me?

Wow! Those were darn good question! Here is what I sat with and came to terms with.

Why do I feel the need to be on facebook so much?

Well, the surface answer; some of it is because I am bored. My kids are getting older and have friends they would rather talk to or hang out with so I just get on facebook. I am an open person and I like to share things with people. I want to keep in contact with my friends and family and share with and in what is going on in our lives.I greatly do enjoy seeing and sharing family pictures and accomplishments of my family and friends it keeps me close to them.

The dig deeper answer: 
Because I have a low self esteem. Plain and simple. I feel like my family and friends are doing better than I am so I subconsciously get on to live vicariously through them. To see how I measure up. I want to see if I'm really as big of a disappointment as I think I am compared to my peers.

Why do I need to share so much?

 I want confirmation from my peers that I am doing well. It is like being a little kid seeking your parents approval for doing something good. "See ya'll! See what I did? Did I do good? Huh? Did I?" and waiting for the number of likes to go up and feeling a great disappointment when they don't. Wondering why? How or what did I or not do to get this outcome? Crazy, I know but this is my thought process. To take it a little further, I get to the point where I look to see if the person(s) I admire the most have liked my status(Not going to mention their names). Then, there is a GREAT excitement when you see them actually LIKE my status. I literally jump for joy sometimes or get tremendously overjoyed on the inside. I swear to God this is the truth. I feel so proud. It's like that instant gratification that I am did something right. "They like it! They really, really like it!". This all is rooted in childhood issues of needing to be accepted.

Another reason is to say,"See I'm not a f@&* up!" a "Ah ha in your face!" kinda deal. For those who have laughed and talked behind my back this is the moment I can shine and PROVE I am the S@!#! Look at me now! You thought I was going to fail but I didn't! At these moments I don't really care about the likes because it wasn't about seeking approval it was/is about saying "I got the last laugh. Now go run tell that!"

Once I got to the point where my self esteem became a little bit stronger the post/sharing became more about empowering others. I made it this far let me stretch my hand to you and help you up. I don't care about the likes now. It is about putting the information and lessons out there to inspire or help someone who doesn't have the voice to speak out. The person who is hurting and doesn't see a way out. I want to use this particular social media to say,"There is a way out of the dark. Let me show you." It isn't going to be without pain but it can be done!


What does Facebook do for me?

It is my shadow feeder. After taking a little break from facebook and reflecting on these questions, facebook just feeds my shadows and demons. It is my outside stimulation to feel good about myself.  When the truth of the matter is I should feel good about myself regardless of what people think of me! Either way it goes somebody, somewhere will have something to say about me whether it is good or bad. Yes, I prefer it to be all good, who doesn't? But let's be honest here there is ALWAYS a hater ready to throw 2 billion pounds of salt in your game! The thing is I need to find that balance between being humble and confident and not needing other people eyes to see how wonderful I am! This is the part I am working on real hard Learning to Love me Inside and Out!

I share this stuff in a blog not to seek approval,but to help someone else. I have come to experience that there are a lot of people like me but either they are in denial about it, they feel alone or they don't have anyone to talk to about what they are feeling. Well hell I will do it for you! It is what it is! If I can put myself out there in order to help someone else then I will! Because guess what? that is the type of person I am! If I eat, you eat! If I have, you have. What is the point of growing and learning and then keeping all this growth to yourself?!

There are a lot of Facebook stalkers. The ones that go to personal pages just to see what people are doing and saying so they can have conversation at the water cooler at work because they don't have a life. Good! Run tell this! I am putting my own s#@$ on blast. It isn't to appease you and could care less to whom you call or text about this blog and the contents therein. This is about ME healing me and not allowing my demons to be feed anymore. I want them to starve and die! In the process of my own healing I am helping kill someone elses demons. Hell, I just may be assisting in healing yours! :-) and that's cool too!

So, with all that being said feel free to delete me if this offended you. Feel free to never like another status post ever again. It's cool. I am beautiful. I matter to me. I am worthy of love. I AM LOVE! with or without facebook.

Yesterday's workout:

Treadmill:
Level 4
Leg shaper
30 minutes
2.6 miles ran
396 calories burned

Elliptical:
20 minutes
2.5miles
257 calories burned

Lifting:
worked on back

So, this is what healing feels like?

"Dear God, teach me to love myself beyond the distorted perceptions and false beliefs I have created about myself." ~ Iyanla Vanzant


The last few weeks have been full of pain, re-living hurt feelings from my past and dealing with pain that isn't even mine. I have made terrible decisions in my life. Things that can't be undone, but they are lessons none the less. Through pain there is growth if you allow it.

I have spent 37 years of my life living and feeding the dark shadows inside me. They are shadows of lies I have self imposed and things so called friends and family have said about me at one time or another in my life that I accepted into my heart as TRUTH. By not dealing with these issues of the years I have let things fester in one form or another,be it over eating, not eating,or depression. None of it has been healthy for me. I am at a place in my life where I MUST face my demons and step away from the shadow into the light.


I am at a point in my life where I want to heal and grow and walk in my magnificent light, but I am afraid. What terrifies me is this life of pain, self doubt and feeling like I don't matter to myself or anyone else.This is the only life I know, if I let go of this old life and way of thinking what will I do?What do I do without it?
Who am I, really? What if the new me doesn't like me? What kind of people will I attract into my life and will my kids, family and friends accept me? What if I fail? People will laugh and talk about me, again.

I sat down one day and wrote a list of the lies I have told myself and the hurtful things people have said about me over the years. The list came to a total of twenty-five. I sat with this list for a little bit and put it away. One day, on my way home from a movie I had a breakdown/break through. I cried all the way home.I cried and screamed cried and cried and cried some more. I cried and screamed to the point I made myself sick. As I sat there on my knees with my face in the toilet I cried some more between the purging sessions. When I finally got up, my stomach felt light and it was pulsating. For those of you who do or don't know anything about chakra's the stomach area is your third chakra that deals with self esteem, personal power and will. Exactly what I have been working on healing! which explains my stomach feeling light and pulsating.
 As I got up from the floor I looked in the bathroom mirror at my red face,swollen eyes and thought to myself...I'm beautiful. Despite what I look like right now I am beautiful.  I went back to my bedroom and laid across the bed and was exhausted, but yet I cried some more. You know what I wanted to do so bad? Run to my daddy's arms and cry in his arms. Never felt like that before. I didn't go to him I just stayed in bed and eventually fell asleep.

There is nothing like dealing with all this hurt and pain and feeling so alone with no one to talk to. Although, I am blessed to have two ladies that have been guiding me through this.

Going back to this Lie List I wrote. After all the purging I just did, I decided I had to let go of the lies or I will never heal and move on. So, I set fire to the list! Yep!  Burn baby burn! They no longer own a place in my heart or mind. I watched them burn and I released ALL the hurt and pain.  I have now replaced that list with a 30 day Appreciation list. For 30 days I will write down what I appreciate about myself. I am replacing the self hatred, doubt, feeling worthless, like I don't matter to anyone and undeserving of life's blessings with ALL THE GOOD there is within me! I have written eight little affirmations and taped them to my mirror:
1) I am beautiful.               (5) I am worthy.
2)I am love.                      (6) I matter.
3)I am God.                      (7) I deserve to be happy.
4) I am whole.                   (8) I am worthy of love.
  They are there so that I remind myself EVERYDAY how beautiful I am inside and out. This is what healing is about. It isn't easy and God knows it is painful but I will rather hurt now and heal than spend the rest of my life and future lives in pure misery.