Sprinting towards the Light!

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health-food,people,things,situations and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is Love of self~ Charlie Chaplin Today hasn't been the best so far. Full of tears,hurt,purging and questions. I had to pull out my book of positive morning quotes I send to my friends and family each morning at 8am. Had to remind myself what I had been through and come through and the person it has made me. Sometimes we have to take a step back, momentarily, and see how far we have come! I told a dear friend yesterday after she asked how I was feeling since the surgery."I feel great! Everything that I have been through was in preparation for this moment." I probably wouldn't have made it if I was in the unhealthy place I was almost 2years ago. My mind,body and soul was sick. I had to heal those things first so that I could be strong enough to weather this storm. Some of people feel like I'm strong but I don't want to be strong all the time. I want to vulnerable. I want to be held. I want to cry in someone's arms and have them reassure me that this to shall pass. Being "strong" is over rated. Today a very dear friend gave me the most inspiring and soothing words of encouragement that I desperately needed. It read as follows: Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.~Brene' Brown Thank you Marcus. I must stop looking back in the darkness the light is just ahead and I got my running shoes on and sprinting my way towards it!

It's Been Awhile

Wow! It has been awhile since I last wrote on my blog. Let's see I believe when I last wrote I had just finished the UMC(Urban Mountain Challenge). I had decided to pursue my dream and enter a body building competition come fall. Well, things have changed since February. Training was going so well. Willie had me running the treadmill on level 5,speed 7 and walking on 5(a jog) for 30minutes. I was burning over 400calories a day doing that. Marvin had me lifting weights with light and heavy weeks. Heavy weeks consisted of heavier weights (got up to 15pounds) with less reps. I was beginning to lift my own body weight with push up and working on doing pull up. Light lifting weeks were lighter weights (about 10-12pounds) with more reps. Rob was working my abs. I am seeing the definition come up in my body and waist getting smaller, down to a size 8/10! 34inch waist. Booty is right and tight. I started drinking green smoothies, spinach or kale, mixed with fruits; such as mangos,pineapple,apples,blueberries and almond milk. My goal was/is to do this ALL natural,meaning no protein shakes and pills. I want to challenge my body and see just how far my body would go on it's own and I was doing pretty good. If you noticed I am switching back and forth between past and present tenses. It's not because my English is that bad,it's because things have altered my goals temporarily. 6months ago I tried to be a participant in an experimental drug for my seizures. Part of the testing required I do psychiatric questioning and a heart test. A side effect of the drug was a possible heart problem so you had to do a EKG beforehand. Well, I was rejected. Why? Because they found that my heart at some point was stopping. I had no clue. I felt nothing different, I felt wonderful! I have lost 72 pounds on my own and was feeling good, looking good and loving and healing me. My neurologist sent me to a cardiologist. He was amazed I was walking around and not feeling a thing and doing the things I had been doing( zumba,running,climbing stairs,lifting weights) and not passed out. I was amazed and in complete awe by what he was saying to me. The cardiologist then tells me I need a pacemaker. What?! Have you lost your mind?! I'm 36years old! I'm healthy. My response to him was simple, "No!" If you only saw this on one test I'm not doing it I don't care what you say. He goes on to say he wants to run more test which would require me to wear two heart monitors. The first was for two weeks. I had those sticky pads in five different places on my body;one my heart,three on my left side under my breast/rib area and one up by my collar bone right side. They test reviled nothing. Then, I had to wear another for a month,again nothing. Healthy. Then, he decided I needed to do a Echo/Stress test. I had to go to the hospital and run on the treadmill as long as I could with the techs increasing the speed every so often. The highest it went to I believe was 12. I made 11! Then, I had to quickly jump off and have dye put in my IV so they could take pictures of my heart to see if there were any blockage or other issues. Nothing. Healthy. Cardiologist tells me if this happened once it will happen again! He says," I don't even think your having seizures it's your heart. Your heart is stopping and then starting again and throwing your body in shock so it's appearing to be a seizure." He explains the only way to fix it is to put the pacemaker in. I still say "No" I'm healthy otherwise,I'm not doing it. The next day after the stress test I pass out on my kitchen floor. As a mother, you know how it goes, despite how you feel you MUST keep going! No excuses. I have kids to take care of and a sick mother I need to tend to. Plus, I have a goal to reach and nothing is going to stop me! That was six months ago. The past month I have been experiencing chest pains when I was doing nothing but sitting still. Literally, sitting watching tv, the chest pains were tight enough to make me cough I was trying to catch my breath. So, I go back to Cardiologist and tell him what is going on, they run another heart test in the office and they we what saw 6months ago. He again tells me I need the pacemaker and if I don't do it the symptoms will get worst and I run the risk of just passing out while driving or worst. I agreed to the pacemaker. That was on a Monday April 8,2013 surgery was scheduled for Wednesday April 17,2013 at 6am at St.Joseph Hospital. Shocked. Scared. What if I die? Ways going to happen to my kids? I don't want to leave my kids. I wasn't worried about me, I was worried about my kids. I came home and sat my 13year old daughter and 11year old son down and told them what was going on with me. I don't sugar coat things for my kids I explained exactly what was going to happen to them. They took it well. My daughter said," We will just pray about it and let God handle it. Your going to be ok mommy." And gave me a hug. My son, asked if I was going to die. I said ,"no" and was praying I was telling the truth. We talked for about an hour about"what ifs" and how long I would be in the hospital, surprisingly it was only overnight. I got my ducks in a row. Got my little brother to come stay with them at my house for that one night. I told some friends and family what was going on. My wonderful drum sister,friend and fellow mother Elizabeth Beck jumped in and prepared food for my babies to eat for days and we eat lasagna and chicken and rice for days and it was so good! The day of the surgery my sister-in-law picked up me and one of my older brothers,who was going to stay at the hospital with me during surgery and we headed off. Surgery took about an hour. They found the upper chamber of my heart stopped working causing my lower chamber to work harder which was the pain I was feeling. A dual pacemaker was put it on my right side(since I'm left handed, they put the pacemaker in on your nondominate side) There are leads that run to my heart to the upper and lower chambers,hence dual pacemaker. To set my rhythms in synch with one another. and I was out the next day. I am on restriction of no vigorous activities for 6-8weeks. So, that means I can't do what I love to do for awhile. No drumming. No running. No lifting. I am not happy about it but I understand I have to heal. Therefore, I have reset my body building competition has been reschedule for next year! I have not been to the gym in over a week now and I am dying to get there! Let me tell you about my William Wells Brown workout family! Purple Rain, Mrs. Tracy,Marvin,Rob,Mrs. Vanessa and Katrina have called sent messages came to see me in the hospital and is keeping a sister in prayer and can't wait for me to get back. I tell you they have made me feel so loved and showed me what I mean to them. Wow! I love,love,love you guys so very much! To everyone that has called,texted me, stopped by to see me,offered to help me, I love you and appreciate you so very much and it means so much to me! To my family Thank You so much for being there for me. Come Monday I'm back to work and back to the gym! Ain't no stopping me for real. I can not undo all the hard work I put into myself. I will continue to heal physically and mentally and spirtually!