Losing weight AND keeping it off just isn't a physical thing it is mostly a mind frame change. It begins with you dealing with ALL the issues you have suppressed and working through them for the betterment of you!
From a woman's stand point we are nurture's by nature, we WANT and NEED to take care of others and put ourselves on the back burner. The reality to this is you CAN NOT DO THAT! It's like the saying goes,"If Momma ain't happy NOBODY'S happy" So, why would you want unhappiness for yourself and those around you that you care for and love? You HAVE to love, respect and appreciate who you are BEFORE anyone else will! You CAN NOT give positive love and energy when your all messed up on the inside.
For men. It is your job to naturally protect and provide for your family. If you aren't feeling like the MAN you feel you should be and WANT to be you can't FULLY provide and protect your family. You have to love you and FEEL and KNOW you ARE a GOOD MAN who loves himself enough to want the BEST for himself and for those you love,protect and provide for. By providing I am not only speaking financially I'm speaking emotionally. As a man your manhood is based on ego and feeling needed,wanted, appreciated and that you are "handling your business" Having six brothers, an ex-husband and ex boyfriends I KNOW when a man doesn't feel NEEDED and APPRECIATED he will check out quicker than the self check out line at the grocery store with one item! Women if and when you crush a man's ego you have truly done some serious damage! He may not be drama filled like we are, he will act out in other ways be it eating, abuse, multiple empty sexual relationship, etc. So, watch your words for they do cut like knives!
With that being said, keep in mind that we can not give to others something that we DO NOT have! We can wear a mask all day, everyday but at some point the mask HAS to come off. Instead of dealing with our problems with food and masking the feelings we are having, FEEL THEM. TALK ABOUT THEM. DEAL WITH THEM. and RELEASE THEM. When we continuously try to bury those feelings we begin to eat ourselves alive from the inside out. What do I mean? I'm saying this, we bury these issues deep within our subconscious and say we are O.K. and keep moving all the while when those issues are causing us health issues internally; high blood pressure,depression,anxiety,sexual over/under drive or impotency,diabetics etc. When something in life ignites the memory of those buried emotions we either,eat,act out physically through, drugs,sex, fighting or social withdraw just to cope. Then, we have to attempt to bury what we just did to cope with the new emotion that came up. So we keep stocking piling these emotions til we are obese with all kinds of health issues. We are sleeping around with chances of contracting STD's. We have anger issues. We withdraw from friends and family. We need anti-depressants and anxiety pills just to keep us able to function in everyday life. Funny thing is, if we had just dealt with the issue when it happened we wouldn't have to go through all this mess. All you had to do was LOVE you enough to say, " NO, this hurts and is unacceptable. I am worth more than this. I value me and love me, so I'm going to deal with this and remove this negative energy."
I know its easier said than done. Believe you me I KNOW! I wore my mask for a good 30yrs! Once you take the mask off and deal with these issues your having,be it a death of a loved one, sexual abuse, rape, unhealthy relationships, poor self-esteem or what have you and heal yourself from the inside it will begin to show on the outside. I ALWAYS tell people I have been healing me on the inside for the past five years now and it was only natural for me to make my outside look and feel like my inside does. Which is happy,loving and positive and growing a more loving view of myself.
Love on you from time to time. It's O.K. you're Worth it and Deserve it! Find or go back to the things that make/made you happy, that you ENJOYED doing. Even when it comes to working out, IT'S ABOUT YOU! You HAVE to find a fitness activity that YOU enjoy! You are more likely to stick with it and make it routine if you enjoy it. There are so many things you can do; yard work(planting flowers, cutting grass), cleaning house, dancing, running/jogging, walking or simply playing with your kids, family and friends outside.
JUST MOVE! Stop wallowing in your pain and get off the couch and MAKE A LIFESTYLE CHANGE! By moving you release those endorphins which NATURALLY put you in a better mood and make you feel better about you and put a SMILE on your face and all you did was...LOVE YOU SOME YOU!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Don't Get Discouraged: There is a bigger picture
Every morning at 8am Monday-Friday I send a morning text to my family and friends and this one truly hit home with me and a few of my message receivers as well.
" A person who RESPECTS you will do anything for you. A person who DOES NOT respect you will do anything to you."-Unknown
I started these messages because they were coming to me left and right. I would be lying in bed crying because I was young, already divorced and a single mother of two. I was in an unhealthy relationship that I couldn't figure out why we kept hanging on to one another and ain't happy. My money ain't right,I'm struggling to make rent and keep the utilities on and everything that could happen was happening to me for whatever reason.I was fat, know what I am on the inside but felt like people really didn't care who I was, I wasn't anybody special. I was like DAMN! God PLEASE can you give me a break. You said you wouldn't put more on me than I can bear but let me tell you, you are sure pushing it! It was like God and the Ancestors were talking to me saying hey listen, let me tell you why you feel like this. Let me ask you this? Did you know if you did this that would happen? These thoughts,questions, realizations came and then I started thinking 'I bet someone else is feeling this way too, I'm going to share what God and the Ancestors are giving to me. This will be my service to my community. It became VERY therapeutic for me as I was going through a long distance relationship and it was going down the drain and trying to provide for my growing faster than a raise in my paycheck kids. It was TOO MUCH! So I started sending these messages that came to me through those late night conversations with self. The messages would come and immediately I would get my phone and type what I heard and save it for 8am. Sometimes multiple ones would come and I would just saved them all in my phone and when the hour came pick which one spoke to me that day and hit send. At first, everyone was loving them and thanking me for them and I was again surprised because these were"my" thoughts and I didn't think people would really read them and look forward to them each morning. They were thoughts of love and pain,just saying I love you or saying good morning to a popular song in a funny way. But the glory didn't last that long. First, my partner thought I was just sending them to him but when I explained it went out to others as well my positive task became another issue for us as to who I was sending it to and why this or that person, how did you get that persons number. You said I love you to who? Then I was asked by some people NOT to send them for whatever reason and I became discouraged and wanted to stop all together because some people didn't want to receive them. So I sent out a text (more than once) asking if people wanted to stop getting them from me some said "yes" some said "no". I was still on the fence about it so I went to God and asked what do I do? He said keep going and I did. My thought process was this isn't just about me. It is about the greater good of those around me and those around the people at are around me. I was asked to do a small task to see if I would follow through because I'll be the first to tell you I will walk away real fast when stuff isn't balanced for me. So this was my lesson in learning to not throw in the towel when the not so good happens. Jesus, Buddha,the Dalai Lama, Prophet Muhammad didn't give up because people didn't like or want to hear what they had to say. They as well as I am doing what I was asked to do. I'm being prepped for something bigger.
What you do in this life doesn't JUST affect you it effects ALL those around you. Not everyone is going to be down for the cause. As much as you would like them to be they won't. They will talk about you behind your back, snare up their nose and flap their gums saying,"I can't believe such and such is doing this or that. I would never let that go on with me." When the reality is they have and probably going through the same mess at that very moment. The key is you CAN NOT LET THEM SHAKE YOU! Stay focused on what God asked you to do and what your spirit wants you to do for the betterment of you! Lesson I had to learn was to not look to other to validate who I AM! I am MY OWN SUPER HERO.I AM God's GREATEST creation. The world is mine for the taking. Ask and I shall receive. That is ask God NOT man! Whatever God has for you is for you when the divine time is right. Don't give up on you because of others insecurities. Misery LOVES company. Like the little children's church songs says" Shake, shake,shake, shake. Shake the devil off!" Be of good character for you and for others.
I
Monday, July 16, 2012
BE YOUR OWN SUPERHERO: Setting Goals
Let me be the first to keep it 100% REAL with you. First, EVERYONE WILL NOT SUPPORT YOU! Iyanla Vanzant says it best," It is unhealthy to hold yourself back to make others feel comfortable". Trust when I tell you, you will find out real quick and in a hurry who your REAL friends and Supporters are. That's GOOD because then you can REMOVE the negative energy from your life so that you can keep moving forward. Secondly, DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF! STOP putting negative thoughts in your head that you can not achieve what it is you set out to do! Speak and Do positive things and you will reap positive results. No, they may not come as fast as you will like them to but like the old saying goes," Anything worth having you have to work hard for." Be determined to reach your goal,NO ONE can do this but YOU. It didn't take a few weeks to put the weight on, IT'S NOT going to take a few weeks to get it off! Set small attainable goals for yourself and GO FOR IT! If you fall short, it's cool keep going, you know you have been working your ass off to reach that goal just gotta push harder and dig deeper to reach it. Once you do, you will experience the MOST satisfying feeling that can't be put into words. I cry,dance around like a plum fool and give Thanks to GOD and The Ancestors for guiding me one more time and supporting me spiritually at each goal I hit.
BE YOUR OWN SUPERHERO!
After completing the Urban Mountain Challenge I set myself another goal. I wanted to run a 3K which is just 1.86 miles. So, I registered in February 2012 for the Lexington Shamrock Shuffle. People were beginning to ask what I was doing to loose the weight and when you tell them the hard physical work you HAVE to do some back down real quick. I invited friends to join in this 3K goal and two took me up on it! Those two would be Lemeka and Sarah. Lemeka agreed to do it ONLY if we could walk not run it. Sarah could only walk it because she was recovering from a broken foot. I wanted to get my friends involved in just moving so I agreed to walk the Shamrock Shuffle with them! I wasn't trying to win the race and honestly I wasn't physically at a point to run 1.86 miles. So I amended my goal to completing a 3K. Same result just a different way of achieving the goal. That Saturday morning of March 17,2012 we met in front of Desha's restaurant and got our walk on. That was one of THE PROUDEST moments in this whole journey! I was getting the
people I loved involved and I was completing yet ANOTHER goal!
Words can not express how happy I was to be achieving another goal and this time WITH my friends. BLESSED I tell ya! I have had THE GREATEST supporters a girl could ask for! I NEVER dreamed for one second that My Journey would be inspiring anyone else. I was on this "I'm healing me" journey. As I kept going and reaching goals, setting new ones and coming into work sore as all outdoors and people laughing with me because I was walking funny from working out people started wanting to workout WITH me and wanted to know what I was doing. I am STILL amazed by it all. That "lil Shuntella" as I'm called at work now was inspiring others. What? WOW!! SURE! If God says this is my purpose then who am I not to fulfill it! Next goal run a 5K! OVERDRIVE BABY!
BE YOUR OWN SUPERHERO!
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| Me,Lemeka and Sarah before the 3K |
people I loved involved and I was completing yet ANOTHER goal!
Words can not express how happy I was to be achieving another goal and this time WITH my friends. BLESSED I tell ya! I have had THE GREATEST supporters a girl could ask for! I NEVER dreamed for one second that My Journey would be inspiring anyone else. I was on this "I'm healing me" journey. As I kept going and reaching goals, setting new ones and coming into work sore as all outdoors and people laughing with me because I was walking funny from working out people started wanting to workout WITH me and wanted to know what I was doing. I am STILL amazed by it all. That "lil Shuntella" as I'm called at work now was inspiring others. What? WOW!! SURE! If God says this is my purpose then who am I not to fulfill it! Next goal run a 5K! OVERDRIVE BABY!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
You are What You Eat!
Many of you wonder what it is that I eat? Let me say I DO NOT plan meals ahead. I Don't have meals plans I eat "normal" food just prepare it differently and do it in moderation. I am the type of person who is when dedicated to something I hold fast to it. So, a lot of this is determination and will for me. I hope though what I do practice can assist you in more ways than one. Remember in my last blog I stated that I began portion control with a little green plate, here it is below. I don't use it anymore because I've trained myself to be more aware of how much I'm putting on my plate. You may want to try this as you begin your lifestyle change.
Let me go on record again saying I AM NOT a licensed/certified nutritionist/dietitian. These are ONLY changes I have made to MY lifestyle.
First, don't look at this as a Diet. Diets in my opinion are fads, they quickly come and go! This is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. You literally are what you eat! You fill your body with unhealthy junk your going to feel crappy and sleepy and emotional and mean and whatever emotion there is to feel.
First off, GET RID OF THE SWEETS! Yes, I mean the Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies, the Ho-Ho's, the ice cream, and the sugar. Sugar naturally is your friend and is good for you and those are found in Fresh fruits like grapes and apples. High Fructose Sugar is your enemy! I encourage you to do your research on it don't just take my word for it! It is man made and so,so bad for you. STAY AWAY from high fructose sugar. Read your label ingredients if it has anything that ends in a "tose" don't even buy it. That is just the industries way of trying to trick you because HFS has gone public. If your like most people sweets are your downfall. Here is your pick me up, remove the sweets and replace it with fresh fruit! When you want that sweet taste the fruit has it naturally. My fruits of choice are: blueberries,strawberries,bananas,kiwi,blackberries,apples;Gala apples I've found are always sweet. Where red delicious apples can be a hit or miss.Other favorites include: raisins, mandarin oranges, pineapples and cantaloupe and pears. Yes, I do buy fruit in the can but NOT in heavy syrup!
Surprisingly, High Fructose syrup is even in the wheat and white bread we eat! Again, read your labels if it has it in there don't eat it. I'm not promoting any brands (God knows I'm not getting paid for it ) but I eat the 100% Whole Wheat bread with no high fructose syrup brand of Brownberry( about $3 a loaf) or Arthur 100% Whole Wheat bread.(about $2.48 a loaf) .Both can be found at Wal-Mart or Krogers.They taste really good. Now, some will tell you to "Don't eat bread" but if you READ your food chart you need it unless you have issues with yeast products, in which there are other ways to get what you need. Since I'm not licensed on that I'll let you do the research or speak with your doctor on that. The key is to do EVERYTHING in moderation! Don't just take on the mentality that,"It's 100% wheat bread and no HFS that I can have eight slices and be OK) that IS NOT what I'm telling you! Myself I limit it to two pieces a day. That's enough for a sandwich. Another change I have made is to replace fixing white rice with brown rice. Yes, it has a different taste and a little different to cook but it's GOOD and GOOD for you! I'm going to step on out here and say this," If it's natural state is brown its good." You can still make chicken and rice, just eat brown rice and bake or boil your chicken. I even make stir fry and use brown rice as my base.
Another thing I do is since I make a conscious habit to workout at least six days a week I eat six meals a day. Yes, Six! They are small meals and snacks through out the day so that my stomach is NEVER empty. That roughly evens out to every 2-4hours. When you get totally empty that's when you reach for the bad stuff. I normally eat a piece of fruit on my way to work at 5:30am. Then, at my 8am break I eat cereal with 2%milk, honestly not a fan of skim milk(which is better for you). Although, almond milk or rice milk I will eat when I can afford it! As your know eating healthy can be costly so I make adjustments according to my wallet! With the cereals I also don't buy anything with the "tose" in it! Normally I pick up these brands. I purchase these at ALDI grocery store for around $1.49 a box. Now with the Granola I LOVE to add raisins to it. At 11am I am eating lunch( mind you I go in to work REALLY early). This meal is usually pretty big for me and is typically leftovers from dinner last night and I top it off with a fruit mix (that I cut up of blueberries, strawberries,blackberries,bananas and kiwi) or I eat a Greek yogurt. Between 1-2:30pm I eat another piece of fruit and then dinner and then another snack of fruit or yogurt.
PLEASE don't get me wrong I DO have those craving for sweets and I DO eat them when the craving comes. Here is the thing, once you STOP eating them on a regular bases you begin to want the GOOD stuff as a sweet and every now and then you want ice cream or M&M's and I say eat it when you want it and leave it alone. It's when you attempt to ignore those cravings that you OVER EAT them when you do get it. You will soon realize the artificial stuff doesn't taste all that hot anymore. You begin to just want to, "hit it and quit it" if you will (lol)! I have a friend that comes over and looks in my fridge and ask EVERY time," what you got good to eat?" and my reply is, "nothing you going to eat." and their reply is "Got that right you only got healthy stuff." and sighs and closes the door. It tickles me every time. So start with these little changes and see how that works for you!
First, don't look at this as a Diet. Diets in my opinion are fads, they quickly come and go! This is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. You literally are what you eat! You fill your body with unhealthy junk your going to feel crappy and sleepy and emotional and mean and whatever emotion there is to feel.
First off, GET RID OF THE SWEETS! Yes, I mean the Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies, the Ho-Ho's, the ice cream, and the sugar. Sugar naturally is your friend and is good for you and those are found in Fresh fruits like grapes and apples. High Fructose Sugar is your enemy! I encourage you to do your research on it don't just take my word for it! It is man made and so,so bad for you. STAY AWAY from high fructose sugar. Read your label ingredients if it has anything that ends in a "tose" don't even buy it. That is just the industries way of trying to trick you because HFS has gone public. If your like most people sweets are your downfall. Here is your pick me up, remove the sweets and replace it with fresh fruit! When you want that sweet taste the fruit has it naturally. My fruits of choice are: blueberries,strawberries,bananas,kiwi,blackberries,apples;Gala apples I've found are always sweet. Where red delicious apples can be a hit or miss.Other favorites include: raisins, mandarin oranges, pineapples and cantaloupe and pears. Yes, I do buy fruit in the can but NOT in heavy syrup!
Surprisingly, High Fructose syrup is even in the wheat and white bread we eat! Again, read your labels if it has it in there don't eat it. I'm not promoting any brands (God knows I'm not getting paid for it ) but I eat the 100% Whole Wheat bread with no high fructose syrup brand of Brownberry( about $3 a loaf) or Arthur 100% Whole Wheat bread.(about $2.48 a loaf) .Both can be found at Wal-Mart or Krogers.They taste really good. Now, some will tell you to "Don't eat bread" but if you READ your food chart you need it unless you have issues with yeast products, in which there are other ways to get what you need. Since I'm not licensed on that I'll let you do the research or speak with your doctor on that. The key is to do EVERYTHING in moderation! Don't just take on the mentality that,"It's 100% wheat bread and no HFS that I can have eight slices and be OK) that IS NOT what I'm telling you! Myself I limit it to two pieces a day. That's enough for a sandwich. Another change I have made is to replace fixing white rice with brown rice. Yes, it has a different taste and a little different to cook but it's GOOD and GOOD for you! I'm going to step on out here and say this," If it's natural state is brown its good." You can still make chicken and rice, just eat brown rice and bake or boil your chicken. I even make stir fry and use brown rice as my base.
 |
| I purchase these at ALDI for .89cent each |
PLEASE don't get me wrong I DO have those craving for sweets and I DO eat them when the craving comes. Here is the thing, once you STOP eating them on a regular bases you begin to want the GOOD stuff as a sweet and every now and then you want ice cream or M&M's and I say eat it when you want it and leave it alone. It's when you attempt to ignore those cravings that you OVER EAT them when you do get it. You will soon realize the artificial stuff doesn't taste all that hot anymore. You begin to just want to, "hit it and quit it" if you will (lol)! I have a friend that comes over and looks in my fridge and ask EVERY time," what you got good to eat?" and my reply is, "nothing you going to eat." and their reply is "Got that right you only got healthy stuff." and sighs and closes the door. It tickles me every time. So start with these little changes and see how that works for you!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Operation: I'm Bringing Sexy Back!
I REACHED ANOTHER MILESTONE TODAY!! I have OFFICIALLY LOST 60 POUNDS Since October 2011. Weighing in at 170.8! I am SO Proud of myself. I've had some set backs but I stayed focused and determined NOT to let it get me down! Yay me!!!
Any hoot! The past five years I've been doing West African drumming and healing my heart,spirit and soul. It's time! It's time to have a balance of my emotional/spiritual self and physical self. My starting weight was 232 pounds. The first change I made was to change what I ate! I declared I will no longer by sweets. I will replace it with fruits. For my 35TH birthday I was given a American Express gift card and I marched right to Wally World and purchased a Black and Decker Juicer for $30. I LOVE strawberries,blueberries,blackberries,kiwi,bananas and found a new love for mandarin oranges and raisins. My kitchen STAYS stocked with these fruits.Mostly to eat and at times I juice them. Honestly, it's very costly to juice. I use it as a TREAT for my hard work sometimes. I also declared NO MORE soda or juices that contained high fructose syrup in it Note: I also found by eliminating the high fructose syrup helped with my son's behavior in school he was able to stay focused and on task. So, I only bought apple juice or grape juice that DID NOT contain HFS. I kept with the chicken, fish and ground turkey so no big change there only in how I prepared things. I did learn a lot from my ex-boyfriend about food because he had a trainer at one point so I made sure mine and the kids plate contained a 4ounce piece of meat and the rest of the plate was filled with vegetable. I started off with this little green plate that I ate from to help me control my portion control. It is a little bigger than a saucer but it helped. Joan, had suggested that I start taking walks.I have lived in Lexington my whole life and never knew where the arboretum was but I was making NO EXCUSES and goggled it and found where it was and started walking daily AS SOON as I got off from work. I had the mind set that I would get off come home change into my walking cloths and walk right back out the door! I gave myself
NO TIME to sit down and relax. Walking the arboretum in completion is 2miles. I did it everyday. It kept my mind clear from those days when it was really hard getting over my ex,or i had a sucky day at work, or any stress I was having it took it away. I got to the point where I didn't want to miss a day because it felt good! For the most part I didn't let anything interrupt my scheduled time from 2:30pm-4pm. If it wasn't important you could catch me AFTER my walk. Another great thing my ex gave me before we broke up was this knowledge of a free app to put on my phone called NOOM. I gave my weight and set a goal weight. I told it how much I planned to workout and it told me how many calories I need per day of good(green),bad(red) and ok(yellow) foods I could eat and the percentage on a pie chart. It allows me to log my ALL my meals and tells me if its good,bad or ok. So, now I'm still drumming and healing the inside. I changed the way I eat. Now, I'm actually keeping track of what I eat! At the bottom of the food log on NOOM there are five stars and as you eat you either keep all five gold stars or you start to lose them based on you ideal calorie intake to what you actually took in. Honey, I started really watching it like a little kid I didn't want my stars taken away! I allowed myself ONE cheat day(which is Saturday) to eat what I wanted BUT within reason. Not like it was OK to sit down and eat a gallon of ice cream. Soon the weight started coming off!
I set small goals for myself. The first was to reach my made up club of the Under 200pounds club by New Years. That gave me about 3months to get it together. I kept walking but after a while I felt my body wanted more. I became in sync with my body mentally and physically . Walking wasn't cutting it anymore I needed to do something else. I heard about this Afro-Caribbean class was being taught at Consolidated Baptist Church and was only $3. Honey, that was right up my alley! I love to dance and Afro-Caribbean and it was close to my house and only $3. Thank you Jesus! I went. I got there and there stood Jason Thompson a guy I had grown up with in church I was SO EXCITED because I knew Jason could dance,I'd seen him perform before and was in total awe. I got to moving in that class ya'll non stop and we took a short water break and I ran to the bathroom and straight threw up! I was like dear god he is trying to kill me!! but, I wasn't going to give up. I washed my mouth out and went right back in there and did my thing! After class I told Jason what had happened and he chuckled and said,"Good that means you were working hard!" I came back for the next class ,and the next ,and the next. Oh the scale was coming down. Unfortunately, classes somehow stopped and I was left with nothing but walking again. I kept walking til one day Jason posted on Facebook that he was teaching Zumba at the Legacy Cheer center. I was like YES!!! I'm so there.
I walked in that class on a Monday evening at 7pm and there stood not one, not two but FOUR skinny girls! I was like "Hell Naw why I got to be the fat girl in the class!" My mind quickly went into ego mode. That's when you let your ego flare up and take control like," I'm going to keep up with these skinny girls they ain't going to be laughing and talking about me." Jason started the music and it was on! Going to be honest I COULD NOT do all the hopping and jumping at first. Let me tell you it ain't easy lifting 200+pounds off the floor. Jason kept smiling at me and telling me I was doing a good job and teaching me modifications I could do JUST DON'T STOP and I didn't!! I was there EVERY Monday and Wednesday night. I couldn't do his Tuesday class cause that was Joan's day and you don't touch that day! After awhile the choreography was getting easier and Jason noticed so he began to challenge me more to do those hops and jump and push myself. Don't get complacent with just doing what I could do, do more. I did. For you know it I was rocking it out and people started noticing a change in me emotionally and physically. It was GREAT.
So January 1,2012 came and sister girl didn't make her goal, but was cool. I knew I had been working hard and it would come just had to work harder and it did I MADE the UNDER 200 Club and I was wearing a size 14 in women's! So, I'm rocking Zumba and now Mondays and Wednesday from 7pm-8pm became sacred. Don't you dare fix your lips to ask me to do something on Monday and Wednesday between 7-8pm or Tuesday from 7-9pm!
Once I reached that goal I set another. I set my eyes on the Fifth Third Bank building in downtown Lexington also known as the Big Blue Building. A commercial came on T.V. about the Urban Mountain Challenge to climb the 29story 638stairs! Oh yeah it's on baby!! The registration fee was $45! Man! I don't have that kind of money and I was ready to give up on this goal but remembered Joan teaching me about manifesting and believing in what I wanted and it would come. I remembered my church teachings "Ask and ye shall receive" So I did both and came up with the idea I will ask my brothers to donate so I could pay the fee. I called my oldest brother, Orland and told him what I was trying to do and he gave me the $45! Thank you Jesus! I paid my registration and was ready to go. Then, I got discouraged again because I have never climbed that many floors and the paper said you could ONLY STOP on certain floors for a break during the race! "All Hell what have I gotten myself into!" My goal was NOT to race just complete it. God and the Ancestors stepped in again and I found out you can do the steps at the 5th3rd building ANYTIME they are open for FREE!!!! All you had to do was sign a waiver that they weren't liable if you hurt yourself. Sign my name on the doted line! So I began doing the stairs on my free days of Tuesday afternoon before practice and Thursday. It killed me but thank the lord for Jason's love of doing squats in class my legs were so prepared.
On January 28,2012 I completed the inaugural Urban Mountain Challenge in 11minutes 47seconds! Goal completed next goal set a 3K!
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| My 34th birthday at 232 pounds |
NO TIME to sit down and relax. Walking the arboretum in completion is 2miles. I did it everyday. It kept my mind clear from those days when it was really hard getting over my ex,or i had a sucky day at work, or any stress I was having it took it away. I got to the point where I didn't want to miss a day because it felt good! For the most part I didn't let anything interrupt my scheduled time from 2:30pm-4pm. If it wasn't important you could catch me AFTER my walk. Another great thing my ex gave me before we broke up was this knowledge of a free app to put on my phone called NOOM. I gave my weight and set a goal weight. I told it how much I planned to workout and it told me how many calories I need per day of good(green),bad(red) and ok(yellow) foods I could eat and the percentage on a pie chart. It allows me to log my ALL my meals and tells me if its good,bad or ok. So, now I'm still drumming and healing the inside. I changed the way I eat. Now, I'm actually keeping track of what I eat! At the bottom of the food log on NOOM there are five stars and as you eat you either keep all five gold stars or you start to lose them based on you ideal calorie intake to what you actually took in. Honey, I started really watching it like a little kid I didn't want my stars taken away! I allowed myself ONE cheat day(which is Saturday) to eat what I wanted BUT within reason. Not like it was OK to sit down and eat a gallon of ice cream. Soon the weight started coming off!
I set small goals for myself. The first was to reach my made up club of the Under 200pounds club by New Years. That gave me about 3months to get it together. I kept walking but after a while I felt my body wanted more. I became in sync with my body mentally and physically . Walking wasn't cutting it anymore I needed to do something else. I heard about this Afro-Caribbean class was being taught at Consolidated Baptist Church and was only $3. Honey, that was right up my alley! I love to dance and Afro-Caribbean and it was close to my house and only $3. Thank you Jesus! I went. I got there and there stood Jason Thompson a guy I had grown up with in church I was SO EXCITED because I knew Jason could dance,I'd seen him perform before and was in total awe. I got to moving in that class ya'll non stop and we took a short water break and I ran to the bathroom and straight threw up! I was like dear god he is trying to kill me!! but, I wasn't going to give up. I washed my mouth out and went right back in there and did my thing! After class I told Jason what had happened and he chuckled and said,"Good that means you were working hard!" I came back for the next class ,and the next ,and the next. Oh the scale was coming down. Unfortunately, classes somehow stopped and I was left with nothing but walking again. I kept walking til one day Jason posted on Facebook that he was teaching Zumba at the Legacy Cheer center. I was like YES!!! I'm so there.
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| Jason Thompson Zumba instructor ,mentor and friend and I Legacy Cheer Center 261 Ruccio Way Lexington,Ky Mon-Wed from 7-8pm |
So January 1,2012 came and sister girl didn't make her goal, but was cool. I knew I had been working hard and it would come just had to work harder and it did I MADE the UNDER 200 Club and I was wearing a size 14 in women's! So, I'm rocking Zumba and now Mondays and Wednesday from 7pm-8pm became sacred. Don't you dare fix your lips to ask me to do something on Monday and Wednesday between 7-8pm or Tuesday from 7-9pm!
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| January 2012 under 200 pounds wearing a size 14! |
Once I reached that goal I set another. I set my eyes on the Fifth Third Bank building in downtown Lexington also known as the Big Blue Building. A commercial came on T.V. about the Urban Mountain Challenge to climb the 29story 638stairs! Oh yeah it's on baby!! The registration fee was $45! Man! I don't have that kind of money and I was ready to give up on this goal but remembered Joan teaching me about manifesting and believing in what I wanted and it would come. I remembered my church teachings "Ask and ye shall receive" So I did both and came up with the idea I will ask my brothers to donate so I could pay the fee. I called my oldest brother, Orland and told him what I was trying to do and he gave me the $45! Thank you Jesus! I paid my registration and was ready to go. Then, I got discouraged again because I have never climbed that many floors and the paper said you could ONLY STOP on certain floors for a break during the race! "All Hell what have I gotten myself into!" My goal was NOT to race just complete it. God and the Ancestors stepped in again and I found out you can do the steps at the 5th3rd building ANYTIME they are open for FREE!!!! All you had to do was sign a waiver that they weren't liable if you hurt yourself. Sign my name on the doted line! So I began doing the stairs on my free days of Tuesday afternoon before practice and Thursday. It killed me but thank the lord for Jason's love of doing squats in class my legs were so prepared.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Healing through the Drum
Things are getting worst between he and I. We could days without talking to each other weeks even a month without seeing each other. I soon STOPPED putting our( the kids and my) life on hold to accommodate his when he wasn't for us. So the kids started playing sports and I started slowly enjoying life again. Positive people were coming into my life and helping me find the old Shuntella that had been buried for many,many years now. He didn't really like the fact the that his friends were becoming my friends as well. The fact that I was having conversations without him being around didn't sit well with him. He would constantly ask,"So when did ya'll get so close?", "So how long ya'll been talking?". I had reached a point were I wasn't happy but I STILL was in love with him and determined to make it work, but we called it quits for the one millionth time. We were going to still try to fix this and make it work and we weren't going to see other people,but our title of boyfriend/girlfriend was gone.
In the mean time,I ran into an old middle/high school friend who was apart of "his" circle and we became close again like we were back in the day. We talked about what was going on and how people who KNEW me didn't really care for the Shuntella they saw now. I wasn't smiling, I wasn't glowing, I wasn't laughing like I ALWAYS did. I was emotionally unhealthy. I didn't do any of those things anymore because if I did it would lead to him questioning, Why?, which would lead to "why you laughing with them you don't laugh with me." but he failed to realize he created this atmosphere with between us,serious all time gotta look good when we in public you have to look and act a certain way. If you know me I will cut up in a minute and as friendly as I can be. Hell, I would speak to a stranger in the mall with a simple Hello and a smile and it was "who is that? where you know them from?" Really? Vicky was so surprised by the stuff going on and wanted to help me. So she sent me this email about a Healing Vibration and West African Drumming workshop. Seemed interesting and looking at the photo on the email it was the same lady that approached me at the Sweat lodge that was leading the workshop. Hmmm... I'm in!
I headed over to Southland drive one night to attend this Healing Vibration and Drum workshop not knowing what to expect. Praying Vicky would be there like she said she was going to be so I had my comfort zone. I walked in there are candles and the smell of sage burning. There were four other women there and I felt at peace didn't matter if Vicky came or not I was where God needed me to be EXACTLY at that moment. I will never,never,never,never forget that day as long as my memory will stay strong. This was the first time I sat in mediation and felt so much stuff come up and out I swear it was scary but it felt GOOD,AMAZING,RELEASING.Ya'll I did the ugly,ugly, my momma just died cry!!! My chest hurt from releasing so much that night and the fact that there were these BEAUTIFUL woman there to support me with positive,loving, healing energy blew my mind. I wanted more!
So, I made time in my schedule to start drumming with this AMAZING woman Joan. Every Tuesday night was the highlight of my week! It started with only Vicky and me. But slowly Vicky dropped off. I figured God got her to do what he needed her to do with me and moved her along to something else. I STRONGLY believe everyone is in your life for a reason. Some get to stay for extended period some don't. When they have done their part and you have learned what they were there to teach they move on. So then came these other amazing women that are STILL there on Tuesday night with me today. They consisted of a ballet/modern dance instructor in her late 40's, A massage therapist in her late 40's, A teacher/artist/realtor/free spirit woman in her late 40's. Later came another teacher/poet in her 40's, a teacher and artist in woman studies in her 60's and a government worker/singer,lover of Egypt in her 40's and me a 30year old single mother of two!. Some have left the Tuesday night group so only five of us remain, but let me tell you this, EACH one of these women are parts of me inside. What do I mean? When I was little I wanted to be a choreographer, I'm free spirited and wanted to be a teacher (English was my major), and the healing of people and making them feel good has always been there. I write poetry, I sing and I love art. I LOVE,LOVE,LOVE these women !!!! We began to share and heal our lives every Tuesday night. We grew as individuals and as sisters. Tuesday night with Joan became SCARED! Don't plan anything on Tuesday cause I WON'T be there!!!
Joan allowing the Ancestors to guide her has touched my life in ways I can't even explain in words. Through the drum(djembe) I began to heal ALL this mess and self esteem issues and love and feeling of unworthiness of blessings in my life. Before our hands touch the drum we talk,we mediate and focus the energy that needs to be dealt with all while listening to the rhythm of the DoonDoon(West African drum). I have been drumming with Joan now for five year! Even was asked to join her group Scared Sisters of the Drum. This is where my transition into womanhood began! Joan is working with me and enlightened me and helped me see me with my own eyes not with someone else's eyes that I am beautiful, I am funny, I am joy, I am love, I am loved, I am a Goddess. I'm growing stronger spiritually,mentally and physically everyday. Joan encouraged me to step outside my box, my comfort zone. She got me to sing in front of people I didn't even know and it felt GREAT! The poet of the group encouraged me to read my poetry in front of people on a Tuesday evening after drum practice at Poetry In Motion(then held at Mia's)
They even came to support me. He came too but was late,even though he knew I was going to do this that day ahead of time. He decided to go get a hair cut after he got off work at 5pm knowing the event started at 8pm and he had to drive hour to get here.(typical behavior). Later, after I read a poem about him he said,"He didn't know me anymore. It was good the growth he was seeing but he didn't recognize me anymore." I was growing right before his eye.
I wasn't sure how my mother was going to react to all this because she is heavy into the Baptist church and anything else is of the devil! So, I started to grow my dreadlocks in 2007. Mom didn't understand it but accepted it with her"your hair looks like you have little turds all over it."jokes. Then when I started to go to Sweat lodges(Native American Spiritual tradition of cleansing) she really was like are, "you joining a cult!" "No mother it isn't a cult these a merely different religious traditions that I am embracing and it's healing me."My brothers thought I was loosing it and cracked jokes but it was all good. I was healthy enough now to laugh and be secure in who I was to not allow it to effect me. Before, I would've cried and stopped embracing what made me happy to please others. and substituted my happiness with food.
In 2009, Joan decided to get all her drum classes(Tuesday and Saturday) together and have a drum share at one of her students home.So, I invited my mother and sister-in-law, and my kids to my first drum share. My mother LOVED IT!!! Mom even bought me my own djembe! My children loved it, my sister-in-law enjoyed it still something to get used to for her at this point but they embraced it with open arms and hearts and that just took me to the next level.
In the mean time,I ran into an old middle/high school friend who was apart of "his" circle and we became close again like we were back in the day. We talked about what was going on and how people who KNEW me didn't really care for the Shuntella they saw now. I wasn't smiling, I wasn't glowing, I wasn't laughing like I ALWAYS did. I was emotionally unhealthy. I didn't do any of those things anymore because if I did it would lead to him questioning, Why?, which would lead to "why you laughing with them you don't laugh with me." but he failed to realize he created this atmosphere with between us,serious all time gotta look good when we in public you have to look and act a certain way. If you know me I will cut up in a minute and as friendly as I can be. Hell, I would speak to a stranger in the mall with a simple Hello and a smile and it was "who is that? where you know them from?" Really? Vicky was so surprised by the stuff going on and wanted to help me. So she sent me this email about a Healing Vibration and West African Drumming workshop. Seemed interesting and looking at the photo on the email it was the same lady that approached me at the Sweat lodge that was leading the workshop. Hmmm... I'm in!
I headed over to Southland drive one night to attend this Healing Vibration and Drum workshop not knowing what to expect. Praying Vicky would be there like she said she was going to be so I had my comfort zone. I walked in there are candles and the smell of sage burning. There were four other women there and I felt at peace didn't matter if Vicky came or not I was where God needed me to be EXACTLY at that moment. I will never,never,never,never forget that day as long as my memory will stay strong. This was the first time I sat in mediation and felt so much stuff come up and out I swear it was scary but it felt GOOD,AMAZING,RELEASING.Ya'll I did the ugly,ugly, my momma just died cry!!! My chest hurt from releasing so much that night and the fact that there were these BEAUTIFUL woman there to support me with positive,loving, healing energy blew my mind. I wanted more!
So, I made time in my schedule to start drumming with this AMAZING woman Joan. Every Tuesday night was the highlight of my week! It started with only Vicky and me. But slowly Vicky dropped off. I figured God got her to do what he needed her to do with me and moved her along to something else. I STRONGLY believe everyone is in your life for a reason. Some get to stay for extended period some don't. When they have done their part and you have learned what they were there to teach they move on. So then came these other amazing women that are STILL there on Tuesday night with me today. They consisted of a ballet/modern dance instructor in her late 40's, A massage therapist in her late 40's, A teacher/artist/realtor/free spirit woman in her late 40's. Later came another teacher/poet in her 40's, a teacher and artist in woman studies in her 60's and a government worker/singer,lover of Egypt in her 40's and me a 30year old single mother of two!. Some have left the Tuesday night group so only five of us remain, but let me tell you this, EACH one of these women are parts of me inside. What do I mean? When I was little I wanted to be a choreographer, I'm free spirited and wanted to be a teacher (English was my major), and the healing of people and making them feel good has always been there. I write poetry, I sing and I love art. I LOVE,LOVE,LOVE these women !!!! We began to share and heal our lives every Tuesday night. We grew as individuals and as sisters. Tuesday night with Joan became SCARED! Don't plan anything on Tuesday cause I WON'T be there!!!
Joan allowing the Ancestors to guide her has touched my life in ways I can't even explain in words. Through the drum(djembe) I began to heal ALL this mess and self esteem issues and love and feeling of unworthiness of blessings in my life. Before our hands touch the drum we talk,we mediate and focus the energy that needs to be dealt with all while listening to the rhythm of the DoonDoon(West African drum). I have been drumming with Joan now for five year! Even was asked to join her group Scared Sisters of the Drum. This is where my transition into womanhood began! Joan is working with me and enlightened me and helped me see me with my own eyes not with someone else's eyes that I am beautiful, I am funny, I am joy, I am love, I am loved, I am a Goddess. I'm growing stronger spiritually,mentally and physically everyday. Joan encouraged me to step outside my box, my comfort zone. She got me to sing in front of people I didn't even know and it felt GREAT! The poet of the group encouraged me to read my poetry in front of people on a Tuesday evening after drum practice at Poetry In Motion(then held at Mia's)
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| Reading At Poetry In Motion |
I wasn't sure how my mother was going to react to all this because she is heavy into the Baptist church and anything else is of the devil! So, I started to grow my dreadlocks in 2007. Mom didn't understand it but accepted it with her"your hair looks like you have little turds all over it."jokes. Then when I started to go to Sweat lodges(Native American Spiritual tradition of cleansing) she really was like are, "you joining a cult!" "No mother it isn't a cult these a merely different religious traditions that I am embracing and it's healing me."My brothers thought I was loosing it and cracked jokes but it was all good. I was healthy enough now to laugh and be secure in who I was to not allow it to effect me. Before, I would've cried and stopped embracing what made me happy to please others. and substituted my happiness with food.
In 2009, Joan decided to get all her drum classes(Tuesday and Saturday) together and have a drum share at one of her students home.So, I invited my mother and sister-in-law, and my kids to my first drum share. My mother LOVED IT!!! Mom even bought me my own djembe! My children loved it, my sister-in-law enjoyed it still something to get used to for her at this point but they embraced it with open arms and hearts and that just took me to the next level.
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| Mom participating in the drum share |
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| The djembe my mother bought for me. |
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| First Drum Share with all Joan's classes Through all this Joan and the women I drum with on Tuesdays showed me what LOVE is! They taught me what LOVE is! They let me FEEL WHAT LOVE IS!!!!!!!!! and I realized what I had with him wasn't love. It was unhealthy and it hurt. I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU LOVE DOESN'T HURT!!! LOVE DOESN'T HURT! LIFE ISN'T A BITCH. Life is the journey of lessons once you learn them you move on. You don't get the lesson it will KEEP coming back til you do! Life isn't fucking you, you are! Stop for a minute and look and see what's going on and change it! Watch you begin to move forward. I remember when I felt LOVE in it's purest,unconditional state I absorbed it so that I would NEVER forget this feeling. Once I got it, after 8yrs I walked away from him. He wasn't ALL at fault we both had our issues with one another. He felt as if I emasculated him, I wasn't supportive of his needs and wants, and he wanted his own children that I couldn't give him because my tubes were tied. I love him dearly and always will, but I do it from a distance. I am BLESSED to have my time with him. I learned so much and met the most Awesome people,gained some wonderful friends and learned valuable lessons in self,love and life. Without him I wouldn't have made it to this point in my life and my kids lives were blessed as well. I had to love me more than him and I have to teach my children this isn't healthy and it's ok to walk away and be happy. Your happiness matters. I'm 232pounds wearing a 18-20women's it's time to bring the healing from the inside to the outside! |
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Meeting my Soul Mate
So when I met my ex-husband I was around 140pounds. For him that was too small, I was the first woman he had been with under 200pounds. He quickly changed that with going out to restaurants,late dinner and having me fry up the food. By the time we got married I was well over 200pounds. Then came the babies which added more weight and more emotional issues for me being so BIG. I had to eat because I was breastfeeding had to keep my milk coming in. But, I was eating all the wrong things. Our marriage was falling apart I wanted to leave(and did) but was second guessing this decision based on my kids. I had to take self out of this and look at it for what it was."do you want you daughter to grow up and think this is how a man should treat her? " Answer: Hell No! "Do you want your son to think this is how you treat a woman?" Answer again: Hell No! So, I left and filed for divorce.
During all this I went out and met a few guys, but emotionally I wasn't healthy. I was overweight, I had two babies not teenagers,but babies in diapers. My thought process was,"what man is going to want a fat,divorced,single mother of not one but two babies." NO ONE! At this point I just gave up a sat at home with my kids and took care of my sick mom. My life became work,kids,mom. Work,kids, mom. Work,kids,mom. I was depressed. Then, one of my childhood friends called on Sunday afternoon and told me I was getting out of the house. "How you gonna meet someone sitting in the house?" I gave EVERY excuse in the world not to go but she wasn't having it! She came and picked me up and off to Super Sunday in Douglas Park we went! July 2002,Michelle,Devin (who was 1 1/2 then) and myself hit the park. It was nice being out and seeing people I hadn't seen in years. We ran into Michelle's co-worker and she introduced us and he was just my type. A little taller than me, a beautiful smile and stocky. Here was this light skinned brother in front of me and I was drawn to him as well as my son. We exchanged numbers and honestly I thought he would NEVER call because of my "situation". He did!
Our first date was at O'Charley's I will never forget it. I laid everything one the table. I'm in the process of getting divorced, I have two babies and they come first in my life. So, I can't just jump and move whenever you want to(he doesn't have children) so I need you to understand that and give me notice so I can find a babysitter. My tubes are tied permanently and I can't have kids. I have a sick mother that I have to take to doctors appointments and what have you. So, if you can deal with this cool, if you can't that's cool too we can end this now and I don't waste your time and you don't waste mine. Blunt, I know but it is what it is. He was taken back but respected my honesty and we went forward. We enjoyed the same music, he was spiritual in a different way that I always wanted to explorer but never did because of how I was raised. He loved African art and history. He worked out regularly so now I can be taught a different way of maintaining my weight. He didn't eat pork or beef so I adapted the Chicken, Fish and Ground turkey diet with vegetable and fruit. He opened me up to different foods, like Indian food (which is his favorite).We worked out together sometimes on Saturday morning. His best friend worked at a gym and he went there when she worked and I came with him. It was beautiful. Months in I KNEW he was my soul mate and I was going to marry him. He made me feel sexy and loved and my "situation" wasn't a situation at all he loved and wanted to be with us.
He was a country boy from Hopkinsville, Ky so he liked to eat and he was the only boy out of three children. So much in common. He introduced me to his friends which happened to be people I knew for years and some were my family, but I never met him somehow. His lifestyle was one that I always wanted but never could seem to get in that circle of people. That circle being the Afrocentric,Spiritually Conscious, incense burning people.That read books and wrote books and wrote poetry. They got together to discuss politics over potluck dinners and had elders come and spit mad knowledge of enlightenment to the young folk. I loved the way my life was making this positive turn. Devin adored him! Kira not so much. Why? because she had spent time with her father and felt he wasn't suppose to be there. She wanted her father. Devin never was around my ex like that so he was the only father figure Devin knew from the age of two.
Things changed, he moved away to Louisville to "make his mark on the world" and left us here and was very ambitious that this long distance thing would work we just had to be dedicated to making this work. So, I "Made it work" despite my begging to go with him and how much this hurt me and the kids I went along because I loved him more than anything. Heck, I loved him more than I did when I married my husband! But things started to change. We were good because most of his friends were married and had children so we fit the image. But, as his friends were going back to college for master degrees it became pressure on me to go back to school. My little factory job wasn't fitting the image of everyone else in his circle of doctors,lawyers, teachers,writers,entertainers and accountants. Factory worker. Doesn't fit. We stopped working out of course because he wasn't here except on the weekends. So, I started eating again because I was hurting. I could talk to friends but they weren't married and didn't have kids so they really couldn't give advise. I couldn't talk to my mom because her answer to everything was God and the Bible. Not that that's wrong but sometimes you need and want the worldly advice. So, I was alone to deal with this mess and the bed and ice cream and a movie became my friend during the week. He was starting to really make a life for himself in Louisville teaching kids on a drum line(he used to be in the drum line in high school). So now our time was even more invaded upon. Not to mention him still stressing me about going back to school.
I finally gave in and enrolled in Sullivan University Louisville campus in the Baking and Pastry Arts program. it was a 18month program. which required me to drive back and forth from Lexington to Louisville (that's 70miles each way) 3-4times during the week and every Saturday morning I had to be at school for labs from 8am-3pm.Not to mention sometimes I had to work Saturday morning on my job going in at 3:30am and work til 6:30am to drive one hour to be in Louisville by 8am for class. So, i made it work. He watched the kids while i went to school. He would meet me at Sullivan and we did a hand off and I would race into class. He was so proud to tell people that I was working a full time job 40+hours and going to school and raising my kids and being his woman. He was proud I was proud I was making him proud but it was killing me physically. My seizure activity increased( I started having those right after the birth of Devin) and financially it was killing me with gas back and forth and trying to feed the kids and bills, my check and child support just wasn't cutting it. He helped when he could but hell he wasn't making that much more money than me and he had a college degree. Things were getting even tougher between us. He was gaining weight, I was gaining weight then he began to displace his weight issues onto me. "Be mindful of the things you put in your mouth." "Babygirl "We" need to do something about this weight.", " Since you stopped cooking healthy I have gained all this weight" Hell, how is that my fault I wasn't in the same city as him! and my favorite,"I need you to look your best when we step out because how you look is a reflection on me." Can you feel my self esteem shrinking into the black hole of nothingness. So now I'm really self conscious but I gotta make this work.
He joined gyms in Louisville but never really went but that was my fault too because in his free time he was here in Lexington. I took it all. But one day it all changed. We were at a Sweat lodge and there was this beautiful dark skinned woman with these long salt and pepper dreadlocks that came down to her butt there that I have seen numerous times, but for some reason never talked to her. For some reason she doesn't even know why she approached me that day because it was out of character to just walk up to someone and starting talking, but she did. I remember the conversation vividly. Joan approached me and asked if I was his wife. I said."No, just his girlfriend". She asked if I lived in Louisville too? I said,"No." Joan says so you date long distance and how is that going for you? Shocked by this personal question from someone I didn't know I replied,"It's hard. I don't like it but hey." Quickly she responded "then why are you still here?" I had no answer. She showed mercy on me and said ,"I'm not trying to be in your business but that's something you should think about." and gracefully walked off. The look my face must have been something to look at because he quickly came over to ask what was said. I didn't reply, mostly because I didn't want to argue with him and I didn't want any drama with him and her.See, he had this imagine of being this loving king and "father" to this group. but behind closed doors it was something different.That bothered me so much. I even told him about it. i told him he was always changing around certain people and that's not good you should be the same person all the time. His explanation was(summed up as) that he had to because of his surrounding and different people. With one group he was funny and laid back and Dog, man this and Naw, man that he didn't articulate like he did with the other group. With another he was Holistic and spiritually conscious and Queen this and Queen that.He was only known by his spiritual name.
That Sweat was changing point in my life. I cleared a lot of thing and saw things that then didn't make sense to me but now are so self explanatory.
During all this I went out and met a few guys, but emotionally I wasn't healthy. I was overweight, I had two babies not teenagers,but babies in diapers. My thought process was,"what man is going to want a fat,divorced,single mother of not one but two babies." NO ONE! At this point I just gave up a sat at home with my kids and took care of my sick mom. My life became work,kids,mom. Work,kids, mom. Work,kids,mom. I was depressed. Then, one of my childhood friends called on Sunday afternoon and told me I was getting out of the house. "How you gonna meet someone sitting in the house?" I gave EVERY excuse in the world not to go but she wasn't having it! She came and picked me up and off to Super Sunday in Douglas Park we went! July 2002,Michelle,Devin (who was 1 1/2 then) and myself hit the park. It was nice being out and seeing people I hadn't seen in years. We ran into Michelle's co-worker and she introduced us and he was just my type. A little taller than me, a beautiful smile and stocky. Here was this light skinned brother in front of me and I was drawn to him as well as my son. We exchanged numbers and honestly I thought he would NEVER call because of my "situation". He did!
Our first date was at O'Charley's I will never forget it. I laid everything one the table. I'm in the process of getting divorced, I have two babies and they come first in my life. So, I can't just jump and move whenever you want to(he doesn't have children) so I need you to understand that and give me notice so I can find a babysitter. My tubes are tied permanently and I can't have kids. I have a sick mother that I have to take to doctors appointments and what have you. So, if you can deal with this cool, if you can't that's cool too we can end this now and I don't waste your time and you don't waste mine. Blunt, I know but it is what it is. He was taken back but respected my honesty and we went forward. We enjoyed the same music, he was spiritual in a different way that I always wanted to explorer but never did because of how I was raised. He loved African art and history. He worked out regularly so now I can be taught a different way of maintaining my weight. He didn't eat pork or beef so I adapted the Chicken, Fish and Ground turkey diet with vegetable and fruit. He opened me up to different foods, like Indian food (which is his favorite).We worked out together sometimes on Saturday morning. His best friend worked at a gym and he went there when she worked and I came with him. It was beautiful. Months in I KNEW he was my soul mate and I was going to marry him. He made me feel sexy and loved and my "situation" wasn't a situation at all he loved and wanted to be with us.
He was a country boy from Hopkinsville, Ky so he liked to eat and he was the only boy out of three children. So much in common. He introduced me to his friends which happened to be people I knew for years and some were my family, but I never met him somehow. His lifestyle was one that I always wanted but never could seem to get in that circle of people. That circle being the Afrocentric,Spiritually Conscious, incense burning people.That read books and wrote books and wrote poetry. They got together to discuss politics over potluck dinners and had elders come and spit mad knowledge of enlightenment to the young folk. I loved the way my life was making this positive turn. Devin adored him! Kira not so much. Why? because she had spent time with her father and felt he wasn't suppose to be there. She wanted her father. Devin never was around my ex like that so he was the only father figure Devin knew from the age of two.
Things changed, he moved away to Louisville to "make his mark on the world" and left us here and was very ambitious that this long distance thing would work we just had to be dedicated to making this work. So, I "Made it work" despite my begging to go with him and how much this hurt me and the kids I went along because I loved him more than anything. Heck, I loved him more than I did when I married my husband! But things started to change. We were good because most of his friends were married and had children so we fit the image. But, as his friends were going back to college for master degrees it became pressure on me to go back to school. My little factory job wasn't fitting the image of everyone else in his circle of doctors,lawyers, teachers,writers,entertainers and accountants. Factory worker. Doesn't fit. We stopped working out of course because he wasn't here except on the weekends. So, I started eating again because I was hurting. I could talk to friends but they weren't married and didn't have kids so they really couldn't give advise. I couldn't talk to my mom because her answer to everything was God and the Bible. Not that that's wrong but sometimes you need and want the worldly advice. So, I was alone to deal with this mess and the bed and ice cream and a movie became my friend during the week. He was starting to really make a life for himself in Louisville teaching kids on a drum line(he used to be in the drum line in high school). So now our time was even more invaded upon. Not to mention him still stressing me about going back to school.
I finally gave in and enrolled in Sullivan University Louisville campus in the Baking and Pastry Arts program. it was a 18month program. which required me to drive back and forth from Lexington to Louisville (that's 70miles each way) 3-4times during the week and every Saturday morning I had to be at school for labs from 8am-3pm.Not to mention sometimes I had to work Saturday morning on my job going in at 3:30am and work til 6:30am to drive one hour to be in Louisville by 8am for class. So, i made it work. He watched the kids while i went to school. He would meet me at Sullivan and we did a hand off and I would race into class. He was so proud to tell people that I was working a full time job 40+hours and going to school and raising my kids and being his woman. He was proud I was proud I was making him proud but it was killing me physically. My seizure activity increased( I started having those right after the birth of Devin) and financially it was killing me with gas back and forth and trying to feed the kids and bills, my check and child support just wasn't cutting it. He helped when he could but hell he wasn't making that much more money than me and he had a college degree. Things were getting even tougher between us. He was gaining weight, I was gaining weight then he began to displace his weight issues onto me. "Be mindful of the things you put in your mouth." "Babygirl "We" need to do something about this weight.", " Since you stopped cooking healthy I have gained all this weight" Hell, how is that my fault I wasn't in the same city as him! and my favorite,"I need you to look your best when we step out because how you look is a reflection on me." Can you feel my self esteem shrinking into the black hole of nothingness. So now I'm really self conscious but I gotta make this work.
He joined gyms in Louisville but never really went but that was my fault too because in his free time he was here in Lexington. I took it all. But one day it all changed. We were at a Sweat lodge and there was this beautiful dark skinned woman with these long salt and pepper dreadlocks that came down to her butt there that I have seen numerous times, but for some reason never talked to her. For some reason she doesn't even know why she approached me that day because it was out of character to just walk up to someone and starting talking, but she did. I remember the conversation vividly. Joan approached me and asked if I was his wife. I said."No, just his girlfriend". She asked if I lived in Louisville too? I said,"No." Joan says so you date long distance and how is that going for you? Shocked by this personal question from someone I didn't know I replied,"It's hard. I don't like it but hey." Quickly she responded "then why are you still here?" I had no answer. She showed mercy on me and said ,"I'm not trying to be in your business but that's something you should think about." and gracefully walked off. The look my face must have been something to look at because he quickly came over to ask what was said. I didn't reply, mostly because I didn't want to argue with him and I didn't want any drama with him and her.See, he had this imagine of being this loving king and "father" to this group. but behind closed doors it was something different.That bothered me so much. I even told him about it. i told him he was always changing around certain people and that's not good you should be the same person all the time. His explanation was(summed up as) that he had to because of his surrounding and different people. With one group he was funny and laid back and Dog, man this and Naw, man that he didn't articulate like he did with the other group. With another he was Holistic and spiritually conscious and Queen this and Queen that.He was only known by his spiritual name.
That Sweat was changing point in my life. I cleared a lot of thing and saw things that then didn't make sense to me but now are so self explanatory.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Background History
Most asked question is,"What got you started to losing weight?" My answer is this: I have been through a lot in my 35yrs of life. Once I started working on healing the wounds inside me it was only natural to allow myself to heal outwardly as well. Basically to match my outside appearance to the growth and love I was feeling on the inside.
So what was happening on the inside? Wow! a lot a lot of hurt from childhood experiences. Failed marriage of five years. Failed eight year relationship. Raising two beautiful children on my own and questioning if I'm doing a good job? do they even love me? would they rather live with their dad and stepmother? Just feeling as if "my life is so fucked right now why am I here?" This is NOT how I saw my life being at age 35. Right about now I would be happily married to a man that loved me unconditionally and adored me and I loved and adored him. We would have beautiful children and I would be the "Soccer Mom" and all my kids friends would find me to be the "Cool Mom" but that's just now how it has gone in the least bit!
I was born the fifth child out of six children, five of which were boys! Yes. I'm the ONLY girl my mother gave birth to. After raising boys, Mom wasn't very girly. She didn't wear make up ONLY lipstick. When she painted her nails it was clear nail harder. She was VERY strict with me. I couldn't leave the circle in Oakwood Estates unless accompanied by a childhood friend and I BETTER be home by the time the street lights came on and I BETTER had been where we said we were going! Myrtle didn't play. Going on date required the leaving the house advise of, " Keep your panties up and dress down. Don't come back with no babies. I'm doing good enough to raise ya'll." Lucky me I made it through high school and two semesters of college with No babies!
Then, I met my ex. He is the cousin of my best friend and was home on leave from the Navy. We hit it off, he went back to California and we continued our relationship. Two years later we married, July 1998. Two years later I gave birth to my daughter Kira. Two years later we were separated. One year later back together and I'm pregnant with our son Devin. Eight weeks after his birth I leave and it's done filed for divorce. Yes. Food and stress became my best friends!
So, with all this mess going on inside of me after my divorce September 29,2003 my life really went crazy. Raising a 3yr old daughter, Kira and 1yr old son,Devin and having to move back home with my mother who had just had triple bypass heart surgery I was a WRECK but I put on a damn good front and smiled and went on with my life. I FINALLY moved out on my own with absolutely NOTHING. I gave my ex-husband everything and left. So my "father" (my two middle brothers father) Bennie aka Dunk took me out to Hoover's and told me pick whatever I wanted. What did I do? Went to the very back in the clearance section and found the cheapest couch I could find and I was going to "make it work" because that's how I do. Make stuff work no matter how much it hurts me, I don't like or approve of it I, "Make it work". So, I picked out a white couch cause it was only a little over $100 I believe and Dunk was like,"Are you sure? with the kids it gonna get awful dirty and I get the feeling you just looking for something cheap." He was right. I convinced him to get it and I still have it today! I happened to get my little brother Terral's old bunk beds so the kids had a bed and then Dunk was going moving to Louisville,Ky so he gave me his bed. I had to go to God's Pantry for food to put in my kitchen. I never felt so humiliated in my life! Although, it wasn't about me anymore it was about feeding my kids. So"Make it Work".
I believe I was weighing in then around 247pounds wearing size 24! I had NEVER been that big IN MY LIFE! I always was self conscious about my weight. So, as a teen I became anorexic. I would go days without eating but I would walk the college campus to classes and the LexTran transit center and walk to and from work sometimes. Terrified that if I ate I was gonna get fat. All I could hear in my head were the fat comments my Aunt used to make to me when I was little. So,I didn't eat. Then, it caught up to me when I hadn't eaten in like three days and I passed out at work and was dehydrated and that's when my mom found out. I was wearing like a size 6 and that was too big but it hid my real size!After the divorce and being on my own for the FIRST time and now with two mouths to feed I stressed and started to lose weight (unhealthy of course) but none the less I was losing. I got down to a THICK SEXY size 16 and finally had guys looking at me again. Felt GREAT. So, I reverted back to my old ways of slipping meals. Except this time I would at least eat once a day.
So what was happening on the inside? Wow! a lot a lot of hurt from childhood experiences. Failed marriage of five years. Failed eight year relationship. Raising two beautiful children on my own and questioning if I'm doing a good job? do they even love me? would they rather live with their dad and stepmother? Just feeling as if "my life is so fucked right now why am I here?" This is NOT how I saw my life being at age 35. Right about now I would be happily married to a man that loved me unconditionally and adored me and I loved and adored him. We would have beautiful children and I would be the "Soccer Mom" and all my kids friends would find me to be the "Cool Mom" but that's just now how it has gone in the least bit!
I was born the fifth child out of six children, five of which were boys! Yes. I'm the ONLY girl my mother gave birth to. After raising boys, Mom wasn't very girly. She didn't wear make up ONLY lipstick. When she painted her nails it was clear nail harder. She was VERY strict with me. I couldn't leave the circle in Oakwood Estates unless accompanied by a childhood friend and I BETTER be home by the time the street lights came on and I BETTER had been where we said we were going! Myrtle didn't play. Going on date required the leaving the house advise of, " Keep your panties up and dress down. Don't come back with no babies. I'm doing good enough to raise ya'll." Lucky me I made it through high school and two semesters of college with No babies!
Then, I met my ex. He is the cousin of my best friend and was home on leave from the Navy. We hit it off, he went back to California and we continued our relationship. Two years later we married, July 1998. Two years later I gave birth to my daughter Kira. Two years later we were separated. One year later back together and I'm pregnant with our son Devin. Eight weeks after his birth I leave and it's done filed for divorce. Yes. Food and stress became my best friends!
So, with all this mess going on inside of me after my divorce September 29,2003 my life really went crazy. Raising a 3yr old daughter, Kira and 1yr old son,Devin and having to move back home with my mother who had just had triple bypass heart surgery I was a WRECK but I put on a damn good front and smiled and went on with my life. I FINALLY moved out on my own with absolutely NOTHING. I gave my ex-husband everything and left. So my "father" (my two middle brothers father) Bennie aka Dunk took me out to Hoover's and told me pick whatever I wanted. What did I do? Went to the very back in the clearance section and found the cheapest couch I could find and I was going to "make it work" because that's how I do. Make stuff work no matter how much it hurts me, I don't like or approve of it I, "Make it work". So, I picked out a white couch cause it was only a little over $100 I believe and Dunk was like,"Are you sure? with the kids it gonna get awful dirty and I get the feeling you just looking for something cheap." He was right. I convinced him to get it and I still have it today! I happened to get my little brother Terral's old bunk beds so the kids had a bed and then Dunk was going moving to Louisville,Ky so he gave me his bed. I had to go to God's Pantry for food to put in my kitchen. I never felt so humiliated in my life! Although, it wasn't about me anymore it was about feeding my kids. So"Make it Work".
I believe I was weighing in then around 247pounds wearing size 24! I had NEVER been that big IN MY LIFE! I always was self conscious about my weight. So, as a teen I became anorexic. I would go days without eating but I would walk the college campus to classes and the LexTran transit center and walk to and from work sometimes. Terrified that if I ate I was gonna get fat. All I could hear in my head were the fat comments my Aunt used to make to me when I was little. So,I didn't eat. Then, it caught up to me when I hadn't eaten in like three days and I passed out at work and was dehydrated and that's when my mom found out. I was wearing like a size 6 and that was too big but it hid my real size!After the divorce and being on my own for the FIRST time and now with two mouths to feed I stressed and started to lose weight (unhealthy of course) but none the less I was losing. I got down to a THICK SEXY size 16 and finally had guys looking at me again. Felt GREAT. So, I reverted back to my old ways of slipping meals. Except this time I would at least eat once a day.
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