The Mirror has Two Sides

If you ever have used a make-up mirror this will make good sense to you why I chose this title.  If you haven't, let me explain. Some make-up mirrors have two sides, one side is just your regular everyday mirror and the other side is a magnified mirror to see up close what you are doing.

With the weight loss I am experiencing the mirror is sometimes my worst enemy. It is as if one day I am looking into the regular side and look fine and beautiful and seeing what others are seeing in my hard work to shed the pounds and then the next day I'm looking into the same mirror but it's magnified and I'm seeing EVERY "flaw" there is to see. "Flaws" being the loose skin, stretch marks ( I have those in places I didn't know you could get them in!), old scars seem to become way more noticeable, even the shape of my belly button.  Which in my self image evaluation looks like the outer space big black hole. To me it's where my belly button has sunken in from my stomach getting so big and the skin around it formed this oblong shape giving it the appearance of the "Black Hole".  Can you tell I do quite a bit of self evaluations of my body?  I am constantly looking for "flaws", things I feel should not be there or if and when I find a companion I feel he will notice and find these things unattractive or nasty looking. Yes, it's that deep for me,these are my demons. I know it is rooted in my self beliefs of inadequacy in many things.I struggle with the old Olay slogan of "Love the skin your in."

Now, I ask how can I love the skin I'm in when I see these list of "flaws"?

1. Two C-section scars.
2. Varicose veins on my legs.
3. Stretch marks on my stomach and now my underarms from the weight loss.
4. A tiny Gallbladder removal scar that look huge now.
5. Three circle scars from that darn heart monitor gel that caused a allergic reaction(so not sexy).
6. Loose skin on my inner thighs.
7. Loose skin under my arms.
8. Back fat.
9. Love handles.
10. Normal shaped belly button with flat stomach.

The comedian Katt Williams made a joke in one of his DVD movies "It's Pimpin', Pimpin'" that men don't pay attention to if a woman's nail and toe polish match and that you had stretch marks cause you had babies but the reality is... I care! and probably way too much.

I care so much that I spent a whole Saturday sitting in front of the television on my couch watching the complete episodes of Dr. 90210 on Netflix!  If you don't know about Dr. 90210 it is a reality show based in Hollywood about people(men and women) getting cosmetic surgery, anywhere from Brazilian butt lifts to liposuction to tummy tucks and face lifts. Yep! cosmetic surgery has crossed my mind SEVERAL times to remove excess skin and getting a tummy tuck.  On one particular episode there was an African American woman my age, built and had children and had lost a lot of weight by herself.  She was now having the same problem I was with image. Her dream was to wear a 2 piece bathing suit for once in her life.  So she went in to have excess skin removed from her underarms and inner thighs, liposuction and a tummy tuck.  When she  healed she looked FABULOUS! I was so ready to start manifesting the money to have this done until... She raised her arm and I saw the scar from her elbow to her armpit and another at her "bikini line". Wow! Reality check. Seriously! I don't need nor want more scars.  This would just be something else I would be adding to a new list, and I don't want ANY list. Ugh! i want to comfortable within me and my skin flaws and all. So now I'm back to trying to "Love the skin I'm in." :-(

There are things I do love about my body and yes I do have a list for that too! List are apart of healing, it's that even balance between good/bad, pros/cons,negative/positive, however you want to phrase it. Here is my list:

1. My breast
2. My Thick thighs (look Great in jeans and fitted skirts) :-)
3. My Round but firm butt
4. My Hips
5. My Smile
6. My Muscle definition (without lifting weights)
7. My Natural curves
8. My Legs
9. My eyes
10. Haven't thought of one yet for here. Hopefully it will hit me by the end of this blog :-)

Sometimes I look in the full length(regular) mirror in my daughter's room and smile with such pride and confidence and dance and sing " She's a bad ma'am a jamma" at what I have accomplished and see myself as this beautiful, vibrant and sexy woman. I am amazed how much my inner beauty is coming out and enhancing my outer beauty (this is my view of myself which is perfectly healthy).If you don't see me that way that's cool and your opinion.
 But yet I still struggle to see what others see in me internally and physically.  A very good friend of mine whom has lost a lot of weight herself and been on the cover of a magazine told me," it takes a while for the mind to catch up to what the body is doing." After several years of keeping her weight off, she went from a size 28 to a size 6/8 and she STILL at times sees that over 200+ woman. She encourages me to stay focused and determined and it will all come together.  But I'm telling it's HARD!  It's like the chorus of the Geto Boys song goes" My Mind Playing Tricks On Me."

I would NEVER lie to you or give you false hope that this will be all a joyous and happy go lucky journey because it's not! It's an awakening journey and dealing with stuff you DON'T want to deal with and changing/breaking old habits and REDISCOVERING this person that God created and it HURTS sometimes. But it is WORTH EVERY BIT OF IT! If you want to be healthy mentally and physically you have to go THROUGH this believing GOD WILL NOT leave you! Your ANCESTORS are guiding you and supporting you and your friends and family are encouraging you to KEEP moving forward.

Soon I will have the regular mirror to look at and see me everyday and ONLY use the magnified mirror for some regular maintenance work.