So, this is what healing feels like?

"Dear God, teach me to love myself beyond the distorted perceptions and false beliefs I have created about myself." ~ Iyanla Vanzant


The last few weeks have been full of pain, re-living hurt feelings from my past and dealing with pain that isn't even mine. I have made terrible decisions in my life. Things that can't be undone, but they are lessons none the less. Through pain there is growth if you allow it.

I have spent 37 years of my life living and feeding the dark shadows inside me. They are shadows of lies I have self imposed and things so called friends and family have said about me at one time or another in my life that I accepted into my heart as TRUTH. By not dealing with these issues of the years I have let things fester in one form or another,be it over eating, not eating,or depression. None of it has been healthy for me. I am at a place in my life where I MUST face my demons and step away from the shadow into the light.


I am at a point in my life where I want to heal and grow and walk in my magnificent light, but I am afraid. What terrifies me is this life of pain, self doubt and feeling like I don't matter to myself or anyone else.This is the only life I know, if I let go of this old life and way of thinking what will I do?What do I do without it?
Who am I, really? What if the new me doesn't like me? What kind of people will I attract into my life and will my kids, family and friends accept me? What if I fail? People will laugh and talk about me, again.

I sat down one day and wrote a list of the lies I have told myself and the hurtful things people have said about me over the years. The list came to a total of twenty-five. I sat with this list for a little bit and put it away. One day, on my way home from a movie I had a breakdown/break through. I cried all the way home.I cried and screamed cried and cried and cried some more. I cried and screamed to the point I made myself sick. As I sat there on my knees with my face in the toilet I cried some more between the purging sessions. When I finally got up, my stomach felt light and it was pulsating. For those of you who do or don't know anything about chakra's the stomach area is your third chakra that deals with self esteem, personal power and will. Exactly what I have been working on healing! which explains my stomach feeling light and pulsating.
 As I got up from the floor I looked in the bathroom mirror at my red face,swollen eyes and thought to myself...I'm beautiful. Despite what I look like right now I am beautiful.  I went back to my bedroom and laid across the bed and was exhausted, but yet I cried some more. You know what I wanted to do so bad? Run to my daddy's arms and cry in his arms. Never felt like that before. I didn't go to him I just stayed in bed and eventually fell asleep.

There is nothing like dealing with all this hurt and pain and feeling so alone with no one to talk to. Although, I am blessed to have two ladies that have been guiding me through this.

Going back to this Lie List I wrote. After all the purging I just did, I decided I had to let go of the lies or I will never heal and move on. So, I set fire to the list! Yep!  Burn baby burn! They no longer own a place in my heart or mind. I watched them burn and I released ALL the hurt and pain.  I have now replaced that list with a 30 day Appreciation list. For 30 days I will write down what I appreciate about myself. I am replacing the self hatred, doubt, feeling worthless, like I don't matter to anyone and undeserving of life's blessings with ALL THE GOOD there is within me! I have written eight little affirmations and taped them to my mirror:
1) I am beautiful.               (5) I am worthy.
2)I am love.                      (6) I matter.
3)I am God.                      (7) I deserve to be happy.
4) I am whole.                   (8) I am worthy of love.
  They are there so that I remind myself EVERYDAY how beautiful I am inside and out. This is what healing is about. It isn't easy and God knows it is painful but I will rather hurt now and heal than spend the rest of my life and future lives in pure misery.

Painful but worth it!

Yesterday's work out numbers 11/18/13:
4sets of 5 assisted pull ups
5sets of 10 squats with 25pound weight.
Elliptical for 20minutes
2.64 miles
Level 3
285calories burned

After two days of doing my nemesis of pull ups it HURTS and is VERY difficult to raise my arms above my head! My biceps hurts. My deltoids and triceps(shoulder and arm muscles) hurt. My latissimus dorsi (back muscles around rib area) hurts. My thighs hurt so bad it is difficult to stand up! I woke up this morning at 5am holding my ribs and cursing. I know this will all pay off when I get that beautiful V in my back! Not to mention the definition in my arms and it help strenghten my abdominal muscles.
 I honestly can't wait til I can do them alone. Practice makes perfect! If there is no pain, then I'm not working hard enough!
My poor trainer Willie had to listen to me whine about my hands hurting from the four callouses I now have! Plus, I was whining about how painful and hard it was to pull myself up and then having to go back down. Willie was just there to help assist me back up. He laughed at me but let me know he has assisted grown men doing pull ups! My daughter was laughing but yet saying "you can do it mommy!" She took the pictures. I tell you what as much as I wanted to give up I had to keep going because I didn't want to throw in the towel while she was there what kind of example would that set for her? But I tell you I'm feeling it today!  I'M PROUD OF MYSELF!
I took today off but I will be back at it tomorrow! No rest for those whom wish to compete in the NPC physique division next year! GO HARD!

Freeze It!

Yesterday's workout numbers November 18,2013:
 I only had 1 hour to spare(had to pick my daughter up from colorguard practice, a mother's work is NEVER done) so I had to GET IT IN fast and GO HARD!
So excited I did assisted pull ups yesterday!
4 sets of 5, my hands are killing me I am developing callouses on my hands :-(
Then, I ran on the treadmill.
SETTING:
 leg shaper
 level 4
 15 minutes
 burned 216 calories!

I know a lot of you have issues about buying fresh produce and worrying about it going bad before you get a chance to use it. FREEZE IT! Yep! What I have learned to do is invest in some half gallon or one gallon freezer bags(you can wash and reuse them at least 6 times) and freeze my produce.

I just recently purchased a pineapple on sale brought it home peeled it and cut it up into chunks and in the bag to the freezer it went for when I am ready to make smoothies with it. It is cheaper to do it this way as well! A fresh pineapple on sale was $1.99 a frozen bag was $3.48!  

 

You can do the same with any fruit! I also have done it with watermelon.

If you are anything like my daughter and I we like to just eat pieces of frozen pineapples sometimes as a snack.When you freeze it in small portions you can take out only what you need.  You don't even have to unthaw it when you are ready to use it in your smoothie. Just drop it right on in your blender! As a caution when it comes to watermelon I advise that you lower the amount of liquid you add to your smoothie because when blended watermelon adds extra water itself on top of being frozen. Another great thing about freezing is, it has a shelf life in your freezer for 3-6months. Therefore, you can buy fresh fruits when they are in season and freeze them so that you can have them throughout the year! Surprisingly, you can freeze bananas! I have seen people just put the whole banana in the freezer peel and all but, the problem with that is when you go to peel it you're not really sure if you are removing the whole peel because the banana will turn a dark brown/black color. I prefer to slice and freeze. They will turn slightly brown but they are still good!

With vegetable most freeze very well cooked or raw, although I have found that  raw baby spinach gets a wilted look to it. It has the appearance like it has gone bad while frozen but it hasn't. I still do it for the purpose of using it in my green smoothie because it doesn't matter how it looks it's just going to be blended up anyway! If you decide that you want to cook your vegetables first then freeze them PLEASE make sure that you allow them to cool COMPLETELY before putting them in your freezer bag and freezing them. If you place them in the freezer before they are completely cool you run the risk of bacteria growing from the bag being closed up and sweating creating a warm environment for bacteria to grow and spoiling the food because it went from hot to cold so quickly. 

Hope this has encouraged you to go out to your local Farmer's Market and get you fresh produce and freeze it! 

Take a moment to go to the Lexington Farmer's Market website to find out where the closest one is to you and their times www.lexingtonfarmersmarket.com Or find your local farmer's market website where you live and pay then a visit I'm sure they will LOVE to see you!

Reflection: A Reminder To Self

For Osunlade; Thanks for the encouragement.

"If I didn't define myself for myself,  I would be crushed into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive."~ Audre Lorde

Reflection: A Reminder To Self
written by: Shuntella Sweat-Whitfield

I am a warm beautiful smile.
I am dimples.
I am laughter.
I am free spirited.
I am smart.
I am loving.
I am caring.
I am supportive.
I am strong willed.
I am determined.
I am created in his image.
I am a Goddess.
I am a Beautiful Goddess.
I am me.

Who are you to try to take away pieces of me or attempt to take away ALL of what I am to cage me into a simple box of simplicity?
To mold me into who you think I should be, how I should act, feel and think.

I AM an inspiration.
I AM fun.
I AM Me.
I LOVE me and ALL of my infinite perfections and imperfections.
I am greater than I think I can be.
I am trying to be as great as God said...
I AM.

Rest assure I will live each day as if I have reached my goal.
I will make myself and others proud of the woman,mother and friend I have become,
so that when I ascend from this earth we all are proud in knowing not only I am these things
but I grew into so many more.

God's Plan: All In Preparation

Over a year ago I started this weight loss journey and it wasn't easy and still isn't. Although, I was very determined that I was going to make it happen. Determination is one of the fine qualities I love about myself. When I make up my mind to do something, nothing and no one is going to stop me! Not even my health :-) I must admit that determination can turn into and be viewed as being hard headed but hey, I got goals to reach and I can't let stuff stand in my way, right? It has now been two weeks since my pacemaker surgery and I feel GREAT! I mean I felt the difference as soon as the pain went away. I feel even more vibrant and like I can take on the world! That is when Dr. Lamiy takes me off these darn restrictions! lol.

I went in for my post op check up yesterday. Dr. Lamiy was very pleased with how I was healing and I should have very little scarring. My pacemaker is functioning as it should. They did a little adjusting to the rhythm and I could feel it beating (weird feeling)but, Dr. Lamiy said it was normal and I would get used to it and I have. My restrictions are STILL in place. NO zumba, aerobics, weight lifting,running or vigorous activities.:-( Although I did get him to give in to walking to a light jog. :-)

 Today I finally got back into the gym! I went Monday all excited and dressed ready to see Purple Rain, Marvin, Mrs. Vanessa and Get It In! but, when I got there at 5:55pm they told me they were closing early at 6pm! Not happy. I missed Tuesday because I was trying to teach my 11 year old son and 13 year old daughter how to cut grass, since that is considered a vigorous activity I can't. So, I make it today at 5:30pm and there is a note they are closing at 6:30pm! What! Really? Mind you William Wells Brown Community Center gym normal hours are 5-9pm Monday -Friday. Different stuff going on so the director decided to close the weight room early :-( Anyway, I got in there and got on that treadmill and set it on 30 minutes, Leg shaper mode, Level 5 with incline adjusting between 1.5-6, speed on 4(which is a nice fast pace)and I got to movin'!!! I can't put into words how wonderful it felt to workout. I was literally starting to get depressed because I felt good and was restricted. I completed my workout on the treadmill with these numbers:
30 minutes 
2.05 miles walked
245 calories burned 
  Then, with 15 minutes left until the gym closed I got on the stationary bike and did;
Level 8, hills 
58 calories burned 
2.8miles rode 
 Woot!Woot! I feel GREAT! I can't wait to go back tomorrow!

 I have had a lot of time to sit and think about things and reflect. What I understand now is this, that year of weight loss and losing 72 pounds and healing from the inside out was all in God's plan. Over a year ago I wasn't in a healthy place at all. But, through spiritual healing through the drum with Joan and then the physical healing through zumba,running etc. it was preparing my body for what it was about to undertake on April 17, 2013.

 God knew what I needed to do beforehand to get ready for this moment. The spiritual was to prepare my mind and believe and know God was going to bring me through and to loose my ego and pride so that I could allow friends and family to help me and even to be strong enough to cope with those that haven't been there like I thought they would be,Oh well.

 Physically, the running,zumba,aerobics and weight lifting was preparing my body for a quick and healthy recovery. I recently posted on my Facebook status that "I wish I knew and understood God's plan for me. It would make it so much easier to accept and understand." I didn't know then but I understand God's plan now!

 Thank you God. Thank You Universe. Thank you My Enlightened Ancestors for your love, support and guidance through this all!

Sprinting towards the Light!

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health-food,people,things,situations and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is Love of self~ Charlie Chaplin Today hasn't been the best so far. Full of tears,hurt,purging and questions. I had to pull out my book of positive morning quotes I send to my friends and family each morning at 8am. Had to remind myself what I had been through and come through and the person it has made me. Sometimes we have to take a step back, momentarily, and see how far we have come! I told a dear friend yesterday after she asked how I was feeling since the surgery."I feel great! Everything that I have been through was in preparation for this moment." I probably wouldn't have made it if I was in the unhealthy place I was almost 2years ago. My mind,body and soul was sick. I had to heal those things first so that I could be strong enough to weather this storm. Some of people feel like I'm strong but I don't want to be strong all the time. I want to vulnerable. I want to be held. I want to cry in someone's arms and have them reassure me that this to shall pass. Being "strong" is over rated. Today a very dear friend gave me the most inspiring and soothing words of encouragement that I desperately needed. It read as follows: Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.~Brene' Brown Thank you Marcus. I must stop looking back in the darkness the light is just ahead and I got my running shoes on and sprinting my way towards it!

It's Been Awhile

Wow! It has been awhile since I last wrote on my blog. Let's see I believe when I last wrote I had just finished the UMC(Urban Mountain Challenge). I had decided to pursue my dream and enter a body building competition come fall. Well, things have changed since February. Training was going so well. Willie had me running the treadmill on level 5,speed 7 and walking on 5(a jog) for 30minutes. I was burning over 400calories a day doing that. Marvin had me lifting weights with light and heavy weeks. Heavy weeks consisted of heavier weights (got up to 15pounds) with less reps. I was beginning to lift my own body weight with push up and working on doing pull up. Light lifting weeks were lighter weights (about 10-12pounds) with more reps. Rob was working my abs. I am seeing the definition come up in my body and waist getting smaller, down to a size 8/10! 34inch waist. Booty is right and tight. I started drinking green smoothies, spinach or kale, mixed with fruits; such as mangos,pineapple,apples,blueberries and almond milk. My goal was/is to do this ALL natural,meaning no protein shakes and pills. I want to challenge my body and see just how far my body would go on it's own and I was doing pretty good. If you noticed I am switching back and forth between past and present tenses. It's not because my English is that bad,it's because things have altered my goals temporarily. 6months ago I tried to be a participant in an experimental drug for my seizures. Part of the testing required I do psychiatric questioning and a heart test. A side effect of the drug was a possible heart problem so you had to do a EKG beforehand. Well, I was rejected. Why? Because they found that my heart at some point was stopping. I had no clue. I felt nothing different, I felt wonderful! I have lost 72 pounds on my own and was feeling good, looking good and loving and healing me. My neurologist sent me to a cardiologist. He was amazed I was walking around and not feeling a thing and doing the things I had been doing( zumba,running,climbing stairs,lifting weights) and not passed out. I was amazed and in complete awe by what he was saying to me. The cardiologist then tells me I need a pacemaker. What?! Have you lost your mind?! I'm 36years old! I'm healthy. My response to him was simple, "No!" If you only saw this on one test I'm not doing it I don't care what you say. He goes on to say he wants to run more test which would require me to wear two heart monitors. The first was for two weeks. I had those sticky pads in five different places on my body;one my heart,three on my left side under my breast/rib area and one up by my collar bone right side. They test reviled nothing. Then, I had to wear another for a month,again nothing. Healthy. Then, he decided I needed to do a Echo/Stress test. I had to go to the hospital and run on the treadmill as long as I could with the techs increasing the speed every so often. The highest it went to I believe was 12. I made 11! Then, I had to quickly jump off and have dye put in my IV so they could take pictures of my heart to see if there were any blockage or other issues. Nothing. Healthy. Cardiologist tells me if this happened once it will happen again! He says," I don't even think your having seizures it's your heart. Your heart is stopping and then starting again and throwing your body in shock so it's appearing to be a seizure." He explains the only way to fix it is to put the pacemaker in. I still say "No" I'm healthy otherwise,I'm not doing it. The next day after the stress test I pass out on my kitchen floor. As a mother, you know how it goes, despite how you feel you MUST keep going! No excuses. I have kids to take care of and a sick mother I need to tend to. Plus, I have a goal to reach and nothing is going to stop me! That was six months ago. The past month I have been experiencing chest pains when I was doing nothing but sitting still. Literally, sitting watching tv, the chest pains were tight enough to make me cough I was trying to catch my breath. So, I go back to Cardiologist and tell him what is going on, they run another heart test in the office and they we what saw 6months ago. He again tells me I need the pacemaker and if I don't do it the symptoms will get worst and I run the risk of just passing out while driving or worst. I agreed to the pacemaker. That was on a Monday April 8,2013 surgery was scheduled for Wednesday April 17,2013 at 6am at St.Joseph Hospital. Shocked. Scared. What if I die? Ways going to happen to my kids? I don't want to leave my kids. I wasn't worried about me, I was worried about my kids. I came home and sat my 13year old daughter and 11year old son down and told them what was going on with me. I don't sugar coat things for my kids I explained exactly what was going to happen to them. They took it well. My daughter said," We will just pray about it and let God handle it. Your going to be ok mommy." And gave me a hug. My son, asked if I was going to die. I said ,"no" and was praying I was telling the truth. We talked for about an hour about"what ifs" and how long I would be in the hospital, surprisingly it was only overnight. I got my ducks in a row. Got my little brother to come stay with them at my house for that one night. I told some friends and family what was going on. My wonderful drum sister,friend and fellow mother Elizabeth Beck jumped in and prepared food for my babies to eat for days and we eat lasagna and chicken and rice for days and it was so good! The day of the surgery my sister-in-law picked up me and one of my older brothers,who was going to stay at the hospital with me during surgery and we headed off. Surgery took about an hour. They found the upper chamber of my heart stopped working causing my lower chamber to work harder which was the pain I was feeling. A dual pacemaker was put it on my right side(since I'm left handed, they put the pacemaker in on your nondominate side) There are leads that run to my heart to the upper and lower chambers,hence dual pacemaker. To set my rhythms in synch with one another. and I was out the next day. I am on restriction of no vigorous activities for 6-8weeks. So, that means I can't do what I love to do for awhile. No drumming. No running. No lifting. I am not happy about it but I understand I have to heal. Therefore, I have reset my body building competition has been reschedule for next year! I have not been to the gym in over a week now and I am dying to get there! Let me tell you about my William Wells Brown workout family! Purple Rain, Mrs. Tracy,Marvin,Rob,Mrs. Vanessa and Katrina have called sent messages came to see me in the hospital and is keeping a sister in prayer and can't wait for me to get back. I tell you they have made me feel so loved and showed me what I mean to them. Wow! I love,love,love you guys so very much! To everyone that has called,texted me, stopped by to see me,offered to help me, I love you and appreciate you so very much and it means so much to me! To my family Thank You so much for being there for me. Come Monday I'm back to work and back to the gym! Ain't no stopping me for real. I can not undo all the hard work I put into myself. I will continue to heal physically and mentally and spirtually!