So when I met my ex-husband I was around 140pounds. For him that was too small, I was the first woman he had been with under 200pounds. He quickly changed that with going out to restaurants,late dinner and having me fry up the food. By the time we got married I was well over 200pounds. Then came the babies which added more weight and more emotional issues for me being so BIG. I had to eat because I was breastfeeding had to keep my milk coming in. But, I was eating all the wrong things. Our marriage was falling apart I wanted to leave(and did) but was second guessing this decision based on my kids. I had to take self out of this and look at it for what it was."do you want you daughter to grow up and think this is how a man should treat her? " Answer: Hell No! "Do you want your son to think this is how you treat a woman?" Answer again: Hell No! So, I left and filed for divorce.
During all this I went out and met a few guys, but emotionally I wasn't healthy. I was overweight, I had two babies not teenagers,but babies in diapers. My thought process was,"what man is going to want a fat,divorced,single mother of not one but two babies." NO ONE! At this point I just gave up a sat at home with my kids and took care of my sick mom. My life became work,kids,mom. Work,kids, mom. Work,kids,mom. I was depressed. Then, one of my childhood friends called on Sunday afternoon and told me I was getting out of the house. "How you gonna meet someone sitting in the house?" I gave EVERY excuse in the world not to go but she wasn't having it! She came and picked me up and off to Super Sunday in Douglas Park we went! July 2002,Michelle,Devin (who was 1 1/2 then) and myself hit the park. It was nice being out and seeing people I hadn't seen in years. We ran into Michelle's co-worker and she introduced us and he was just my type. A little taller than me, a beautiful smile and stocky. Here was this light skinned brother in front of me and I was drawn to him as well as my son. We exchanged numbers and honestly I thought he would NEVER call because of my "situation". He did!
Our first date was at O'Charley's I will never forget it. I laid everything one the table. I'm in the process of getting divorced, I have two babies and they come first in my life. So, I can't just jump and move whenever you want to(he doesn't have children) so I need you to understand that and give me notice so I can find a babysitter. My tubes are tied permanently and I can't have kids. I have a sick mother that I have to take to doctors appointments and what have you. So, if you can deal with this cool, if you can't that's cool too we can end this now and I don't waste your time and you don't waste mine. Blunt, I know but it is what it is. He was taken back but respected my honesty and we went forward. We enjoyed the same music, he was spiritual in a different way that I always wanted to explorer but never did because of how I was raised. He loved African art and history. He worked out regularly so now I can be taught a different way of maintaining my weight. He didn't eat pork or beef so I adapted the Chicken, Fish and Ground turkey diet with vegetable and fruit. He opened me up to different foods, like Indian food (which is his favorite).We worked out together sometimes on Saturday morning. His best friend worked at a gym and he went there when she worked and I came with him. It was beautiful. Months in I KNEW he was my soul mate and I was going to marry him. He made me feel sexy and loved and my "situation" wasn't a situation at all he loved and wanted to be with us.
He was a country boy from Hopkinsville, Ky so he liked to eat and he was the only boy out of three children. So much in common. He introduced me to his friends which happened to be people I knew for years and some were my family, but I never met him somehow. His lifestyle was one that I always wanted but never could seem to get in that circle of people. That circle being the Afrocentric,Spiritually Conscious, incense burning people.That read books and wrote books and wrote poetry. They got together to discuss politics over potluck dinners and had elders come and spit mad knowledge of enlightenment to the young folk. I loved the way my life was making this positive turn. Devin adored him! Kira not so much. Why? because she had spent time with her father and felt he wasn't suppose to be there. She wanted her father. Devin never was around my ex like that so he was the only father figure Devin knew from the age of two.
Things changed, he moved away to Louisville to "make his mark on the world" and left us here and was very ambitious that this long distance thing would work we just had to be dedicated to making this work. So, I "Made it work" despite my begging to go with him and how much this hurt me and the kids I went along because I loved him more than anything. Heck, I loved him more than I did when I married my husband! But things started to change. We were good because most of his friends were married and had children so we fit the image. But, as his friends were going back to college for master degrees it became pressure on me to go back to school. My little factory job wasn't fitting the image of everyone else in his circle of doctors,lawyers, teachers,writers,entertainers and accountants. Factory worker. Doesn't fit. We stopped working out of course because he wasn't here except on the weekends. So, I started eating again because I was hurting. I could talk to friends but they weren't married and didn't have kids so they really couldn't give advise. I couldn't talk to my mom because her answer to everything was God and the Bible. Not that that's wrong but sometimes you need and want the worldly advice. So, I was alone to deal with this mess and the bed and ice cream and a movie became my friend during the week. He was starting to really make a life for himself in Louisville teaching kids on a drum line(he used to be in the drum line in high school). So now our time was even more invaded upon. Not to mention him still stressing me about going back to school.
I finally gave in and enrolled in Sullivan University Louisville campus in the Baking and Pastry Arts program. it was a 18month program. which required me to drive back and forth from Lexington to Louisville (that's 70miles each way) 3-4times during the week and every Saturday morning I had to be at school for labs from 8am-3pm.Not to mention sometimes I had to work Saturday morning on my job going in at 3:30am and work til 6:30am to drive one hour to be in Louisville by 8am for class. So, i made it work. He watched the kids while i went to school. He would meet me at Sullivan and we did a hand off and I would race into class. He was so proud to tell people that I was working a full time job 40+hours and going to school and raising my kids and being his woman. He was proud I was proud I was making him proud but it was killing me physically. My seizure activity increased( I started having those right after the birth of Devin) and financially it was killing me with gas back and forth and trying to feed the kids and bills, my check and child support just wasn't cutting it. He helped when he could but hell he wasn't making that much more money than me and he had a college degree. Things were getting even tougher between us. He was gaining weight, I was gaining weight then he began to displace his weight issues onto me. "Be mindful of the things you put in your mouth." "Babygirl "We" need to do something about this weight.", " Since you stopped cooking healthy I have gained all this weight" Hell, how is that my fault I wasn't in the same city as him! and my favorite,"I need you to look your best when we step out because how you look is a reflection on me." Can you feel my self esteem shrinking into the black hole of nothingness. So now I'm really self conscious but I gotta make this work.
He joined gyms in Louisville but never really went but that was my fault too because in his free time he was here in Lexington. I took it all. But one day it all changed. We were at a Sweat lodge and there was this beautiful dark skinned woman with these long salt and pepper dreadlocks that came down to her butt there that I have seen numerous times, but for some reason never talked to her. For some reason she doesn't even know why she approached me that day because it was out of character to just walk up to someone and starting talking, but she did. I remember the conversation vividly. Joan approached me and asked if I was his wife. I said."No, just his girlfriend". She asked if I lived in Louisville too? I said,"No." Joan says so you date long distance and how is that going for you? Shocked by this personal question from someone I didn't know I replied,"It's hard. I don't like it but hey." Quickly she responded "then why are you still here?" I had no answer. She showed mercy on me and said ,"I'm not trying to be in your business but that's something you should think about." and gracefully walked off. The look my face must have been something to look at because he quickly came over to ask what was said. I didn't reply, mostly because I didn't want to argue with him and I didn't want any drama with him and her.See, he had this imagine of being this loving king and "father" to this group. but behind closed doors it was something different.That bothered me so much. I even told him about it. i told him he was always changing around certain people and that's not good you should be the same person all the time. His explanation was(summed up as) that he had to because of his surrounding and different people. With one group he was funny and laid back and Dog, man this and Naw, man that he didn't articulate like he did with the other group. With another he was Holistic and spiritually conscious and Queen this and Queen that.He was only known by his spiritual name.
That Sweat was changing point in my life. I cleared a lot of thing and saw things that then didn't make sense to me but now are so self explanatory.
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